Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Running on empty

I'm just not feeling it right now. It's not depression; I don't think it's physical; I can't really even point to any one thing that has me feeling down. I just have no motivation; no gumption; no reason to hope.

I know I am a difficult person, but I still don't understand how people can just ignore me - especially in a professional and/or ministry sense.

A friend and co-laborer (of sorts) just had his ordination removed in the most gutless, heartless, and ridiculous manner I can imagine. My heart hurts. Not only for him, but for the people who share in the responsibility of the act, and for the church and world as a whole.

I am having trouble getting back into the habit of running. I just can't seem to do it. I can't get out of bed in time in the morning, and by the time I get home from work I don't feel like doing anything. It's very discouraging.

I have a pile of pallets in my back yard, and I have zero interest in making anything else out of them. It was great fun making the picnic table, but now that I've done that... I don't really care anymore.

That's probably my biggest fear in life..... I am hesitant to get excited about anything because I'm afraid once I do, it will soon fade. It's like I am destined to be unsatisfied. It's not the same thing as being unhappy. It's just... I dunno... it's different. I don't trust myself. And that can really throw a wrench into ones outlook.

Well, I'm running out of things to say. I actually just received an email from someone wanting to know if I would write some blog posts about a specific content (running). Ha! Right. I would like to... but I know once I agree to, I will lose interest. That's just how it goes.

It's a slow day at work today. I think I will do some reading. Yesterday I started Eugene Peterson's 'Eat This Book: A Conversation in The Art of Spiritual Reading.' I didn't realize it was the 2nd in a series, but I'm going to read this one before the first one anyway because I don't have the first one. At least I'm going to start. We'll see if I can finish it. He is one of my favorite writers, but I noticed yesterday that I seem to be getting dumber. It's harder for me to hold thoughts in my mind; I have to read and re-read more and more, and I'm still not sure I understand. That's kind of depressing too. I have become conditioned to not thinking deeply. Ugh. Oh well.

Anything is possible, I suppose.