I've been reading the book of Job lately (from the Christian bible). My daily bible reading routine involves reading a section from the Old Testament, the New Testament, a Psalm and a Proverb. So I'm only in like chapter 20 of Job. Ugh... it is depressing stuff, to me.
If you're not familiar, the devil challenged God to see how Job will respond to different situations. So all these catastrophes happen to the poor guy, and his friends basically blame Job for it. Job does not understand why God allows these things to happen to him, but in the end all is restored. Well, I'm still in the part where Job doesn't understand.
I feel very much like that. I don't "not believe" in God; I don't disagree that the ways of Jesus seem right and good and true; I don't even have a problem with the church being full of half-baked sinful people such as myself. But geez... sometimes things just make no sense to me.
So, that's where I am right now. Wondering. Wandering. Passively watching the river flow. Certainly I am not delusional enough to put myself in Job's category. I am not an upstanding man of righteous God-character. I'm simply trying to find my way right now. The 50's are such an odd age.