I'm writing this on Wednesday, August 10th, from my thousand foot hole of darkness (and at work). It's one of those days. Those days when I hate myself.
I don't really know what caused it. Maybe nothing did. But I started feeling down last night. Then I got up and went for a jog with Jane this morning. That didn't really help. Just made me miss the days when I could run by myself; when running was 'my' thing.
Anyway, I got to work and started my day job. I was putting air in the golf cart tires when the GM pulled in. That is rarely ever a good thing for me. Interestingly enough, he had some really good news to share with me about a pretty sizable raise. Unfortunately it was delivered in such a way, and taken by me in such a way, that it was anything but joyful. How messed up does someone have to be to not even want a raise?
I hate it when I am hard to talk to. I hate it when I'm hard to get along with. I hate it when I can't get someone to understand what I'm thinking, feeling, saying. I hate it when *I* don't understand what I'm thinking, feeling, saying. I hate it when I get frustrated, and then angry, and then I hate myself some more and then I want to just go hide from the world and have everybody leave me alone.
I so hate to be like this. I hate to be difficult. I hate to draw attention to myself. I hate to make others feel uncomfortable. I hate when the darkness closes in and my eyes narrow and my head feels like it's going to burst. It makes me feel hopeless. Like I will never not feel this way. Like no one will ever understand me. Like I will forever be a burden to people and will be a source of pain and confusion to them. Like I will never be normal. I so do not want to be like this.
Right now I am listening to the Bob Dylan station on Pandora and giving a thumbs down to anything not slow and quiet.
So far I've managed to not have to talk to very many people today. I hate talking to people when I hate myself. I also hate listening to people when I hate myself. The last thing I want to hear are "nice" things when I hate myself. I really, really, really hate being patronized, in this condition or any. It ranks right up there with people trying to figure me out. I hate being asked questions. I hate hearing noise. I hate everything.
So... this is the way it is right now. If and when I get around to posting this it means I am no longer in this hate-filled hole. Until then, I'm trying to minimize the damage to others.
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Okay, this is today. Whew, I'm glad that's over. Yesterday was a miserable rotten day. I stayed that way until well into the evening. Then it finally lifted. It was almost like a fever breaking. I could suddenly relax.
I went to bed and slept well last night. Interestingly enough, when I got up this morning, the pain I'd been having in my neck was completely gone. That makes me wonder if I'd had some kind of a bug or something, and yesterday it fought its way out of my body. I don't know. Regardless, today I have a better outlook, even though I actually am a bit physically worn from the stress of yesterday.
I don't remember the last time I'd gotten that depressed/stressed. It's been awhile. And I hope it's a good long while before it happens again. Gah... I hate it when that happens. ;)
Sorry for the little dalliance into my psyche. I felt it personally worthwhile to write it down WHILE I was feeling that way though - for later consideration.