The ying of tryang

"Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves -- slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future; live the actual moment. Only this moment is life." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to continue trying. I've tried making myself available at church - I offered 10+ hours a week wherever needed; I've asked to help out with a couple different things; been asked to participate in a few ways - but it seems like nothing ever pans out and in the end it kind of feels like maybe my help isn't really wanted.

I've also tried to make myself available for more duties at work (at the Y). I have administrative/clerical skills that I think are quite helpful. Again, though, my gestures are most often met with indifference (with possible eye rolls involved).

Eventually it's tempting to say "screw it" and just move on. I actually haven't been attending the "Bible Study" that I'm occasionally asked to lead on Sunday mornings, because I'm only asked to help when a last-minute replacement is needed, and I'm starting to feel a little 'used.'

I've also developed a bit of an attitude (I know, hard to believe, right?) towards volunteering at the concert hall. We offered to help in an area that seemed to always need help, and we tried to bring a little organization to it, but again, it seems that was met with some light 'resistance.' Now our services are not requested in that department and we're told that if we want to help to "just show up and see if there's something to do." Yeah...

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Boy am I pathetic, huh? I know. Just throwing myself a bit of a pity party. So I've been meditating on phrases like the one above. Quite literally, even. I've also been trying to meditate in general more, as well as simply being more mindful (practicing mindfulness).

In addition, I've been intentionally setting aside time to read each day. I've been doing a couple different things devotionally - one on the bible app on my phone and another in book form - but I've been working slowly through a church history book as well. I've found I needed a little brushing up on my bible, and I think it's good to just retrace some of the basics now and then... like sipping tea.

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There are plenty of biblical references to perseverance and enduring to the end and whatnot. Many seem geared toward holding on so we will somehow "win the prize" or "grab hold of that which we hope for." Honestly, I'm not sure there's even anything I'm hoping for at the moment. Right now it's more a Proverbs 3:5-6 thing:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

God knows I don't trust my own understanding anymore, so my solace comes from simple trust in Him. That's about all I've got left...... and, you know, that just might be all that's necessary.

I dunno...