Lately I've found myself running low on sorts. You know, I've been off-kilter, unsettled, unbalanced... mentally and emotionally "out of sorts." The thing is, when my life gets like this, then it's hard for me to make sense of things, and not only do I not have any sorts, but it seems I don't have a lot of sense either (and I do stupid stuff). I don't like it.
I have always been a creature of habit. Not because I necessarily like to be like that, but because I somewhat need to be - for everyone's sake. I would love to be one of those spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants type people, but I can't seem to keep my 'stuff' together for long when I do. I need a regimented routine to keep my head on straight.
I've been trying to earn my keep lately by working two jobs; and I've been trying to regain some sense of self-respect by volunteering for too many things. Unfortunately, not only am I probably not succeeding in either case, but I feel like I am internally unraveling. I'm having a hard time remembering where I'm supposed to be and on what day, and what I'm to be doing and.... sometimes I wake up and have no idea what day it even is.
My job at the Y, while it requires nothing of me mentally, does not come with very many scheduled hours. I am able to pick up hours quite easily though, so you'd think that would be good. But when I work the closing shift one night, and then open the next morning at 5, and do that a couple times a week (plus several other shifts thrown in - between membership and wellness)... it leaves me a bit off.
On top of that, while you would think Uber driving would be easy-peasy (you just drive around, after all), it has also been confusing the issue. I have set a random goal of simply trying to make $100 a week driving, but it's not always that simple. There are times and places that are better and worse for driving, and sometimes I honestly just don't feel like talking to anyone, so it makes it hard to want to drive. Plus sometimes I'm simply exhausted from lack of sleep. Perhaps the most difficult thing, though, is once I start making money driving... it then becomes difficult to stop! It's like an addiction. It's like gambling. There have been days I've worked 8 hours at the Y, then went out and drove for another 6... because I just couldn't stop myself!
Throw in the volunteering at church - working concerts (usually late), serving food to the homeless, bible study groups, coaching meetings, etc. - and for someone who seemingly has no life -- I have to wonder how I got here. How did my life get so busy and I become so ragged? Or is it even busy? Does it just seem like it because it's all so.... random???
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I suppose it's funny, but as I sit here and type this out, it's seems quite obvious what the problem is: It's my lack of self-esteem. I'm running myself ragged not because I'm accomplishing anything, but because I'm trying to justify my existance. I can't seem to work a regular job, so I dabble in several. I feel insecure about who I am, so I try to prove I'm somebody. What has actually happened, though, is that all this striving, is leaving me out of sorts, and sense, and my 'stuff' is falling apart.
So, I think I'm going to contact my counselor and set something up. It's not like I couldn't do the things I'm doing and be a regularly functioning sort of person. I need to get a grip though. And I need someone to help me get it.
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I'm reminded of the sermon on the mount from chapter 5 in the book of Matthew. Particularly verse 3. Jesus said,
"You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."THAT'S what I need. Less of me, and more of God. That's the sort of sense I want to make... God-willing.
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