This is both about me and not about me. On the one hand, yesterday was a bad day. I felt the breath being sucked from my bones and there was an emptiness inside as deep as space. I hate those days.
I opened at work, and though I'd been told about it (briefly) just the afternoon before, I was not prepared for how my morning would go. It was the usual business until 8 am. My boss had told me a volunteer was going to come in and do some cleaning for us. I had seen the person once and was aware they were a bit challenged. I was not aware just how severely autistic they were though.
There was an aid with the teen, and she looked almost as uncomfortable as I felt. Fortunately, I guess, there was no one else in the facility. They started out having him try to clean some machines. Then she came and asked me if there were more things she could have him do. I was like, "I don't know." And I don't know if this guy didn't like me, if it were something else agitating him, or what, but then he started being a little crazy. It kind of freaked me out, and next thing I know the girl is saying they are leaving. Fifteen minutes later the guy's father comes in and wants to know where he's at and how things went. I had no idea what to say, how things were supposed to go, or what exactly was even going on for sure just yet.
The rest was kind of a blur, and then my boss comes in and starts asking me about a transaction I'd apparently made a couple weeks ago. I remembered it vaguely but wasn't sure what the deal was. He wanted to know specifics because the Metro office wanted to know them. Apparently I should have done something that I never had any idea that I could do, let alone was supposed to do. So I was still shaking from the interaction with the volunteer, and now I'm being made to feel stupid for something I was never made aware of.
I left work and drove home stripped of self-confidence and feeling inside-out hopeless. The Y (at least where I work) does a terrible job of training people, therefore it leaves a lot of us feeling less than stellar about our jobs. Not that anyone cares...
So, anyway... you know how some people like to think we all have the same potential to get an education, a job, make a living and do 'whatever we put our mind to'? Yeah, I think that's bunk. My issues yesterday were temporary (I think/hope). I know 'this too shall pass.' Some people never get out of that hollow hole. They're born there, and may not even be aware there is any other way of life. Sometimes, when you're so far down, it is almost impossible to see the light. There are no 'better days' to draw back on.
And... there ya have it. That's what was on my mind yesterday, last night, and this morning. Another day has, indeed, dawned upon us (well, once the sun comes up - assuming it will); and I did, in fact, apply for another job last night. I don't really have the desire to do any job right now, but I know I must, so I likely will.
Of course, the ironic thing is... we have this "motivational white board" in my boss's office at work. I am usually the one who ends up putting quotes on it. This weeks quote (which I put up) is from Henri Nouwen:
"The greatest temptations are not money, sex, and power, but self-rejection -- because self-rejection contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved."
I keep looking at it... and waiting to hear the voice.
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