Todd Rundgren's, "Hello, It's Me" seems the perfect title and parameter for this first truly post-Sertraline post (Youtube link). It has forever been one of those songs that from the first note puts me back in the Keds of my youth, running free and easy with seasons in the sun in the nine-teen seventies (re: Terry Jacks/Neil Young/etc).
I am now one week removed from my Sertraline (Zoloft) addiction. I have weaned my mind and body from a high of 100 mg a day, down to 50mg, to 25 mg, and the last one was last Saturday (or thereabouts).
The week was a bit long(er) and strang(er) than I'd anticipated... but I do believe I have survived. It should now be entirely out of my system, and... I feel (fairly) fine.
I was hoping there would be no withdrawal symptoms at all, but after taking it non-stop for 6 years or so, I guess my mind and body did need some time to adjust. The worst of it was the dizziness/unsteadiness/jerkiness and minor flu-like feelings. I also had a bit of the prickling/tingling sensation, and a couple irratibility episodes. Oddly enough, my head felt alright, but my body had a harder time. Something I didn't expect was my blood pressure jumping all over the place. I am thinking random feelings of anxiety/anxiousness contributed to this. Fortunately I was able to keep an eye on it at work several times a day, but it went pretty high for a couple days, then dropped kind of low. At any rate, it has evened back out, and the feelings of weirdness have grown less and less each day.
To be honest, Thursday night I had a bit of a fit where I got overly irritated about something that didn't matter. I think it was a combination of being in a noisy/chaotic environment (small bar/restaurant) and letting myself get worked up. I was super bummed when it happened, because flashing before my eyes were all these thoughts of, "Dammit, I was really hoping I could do this," to "I should have known I can't ever be normal again." Say what you want, but I'm wondering if the biggest stigma of depression and anxiety issues isn't among the sufferers. Those feelings of being broken, and not good enough, and having something forever wrong with you... They can be pretty overwhelming.
I think, though... I think... I just might be alright... maybe. I've been working at reading helpful articles and books, meditation, exercise, and positive self-talk/thought. I'm searching for the Silence at the center of sound again. God knows I'm not there... but I hope. I really hope. I'm going in the right direction.
So, yeah, this past week... I got mad a couple times. I also cried a couple times at things that touched my heart (you have no idea how great that felt). Is it because I stopped my mood 'stabilizer'? I fucking hope so!!! I feel like I can feel again! I can't describe it, but I have missed that feeling. Because... I kind of think... that's who I am, who I was, and who I'm supposed to be. I just hope everyone else is okay with it.
One other thing of note: I told a few significant people in my life about what I was doing. Jane was obviously one, as well as a friend I talk with about the deeper things of life on a regular basis, and a co-worker. I wanted opinions other than my own as to whether I was doing okay or not. That's one of the bad things about not trusting yourself - you're usually not a good judge of yourself. I felt I needed to be as vulnerable and open and honest as I could be. And, hopefully, I can continue to do so.
Anyway, so, this happened. It probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme, but it's a big deal to me. It feels like progress. Almost like resurrection. Repentance for sure.
We'll see what happens.
No comments:
Post a Comment