I was working the parking lot last night for a baseball game. There also happened to be an event taking place at the church (in addition to the employees of a couple other companies who use the lot). Anyway, I was getting annoyed because it actually can get a little complicated sometimes. There are people coming and going, and some of the people aren't always the most... gracious and/or helpful.
Of course, the worst people seem to be just a handful of those volunteering with the youth organization using the church building (who don't have to pay to park). Why do "Christians" have to be like that? And, don't they realize that if I wasn't there, there would be no place for them to park because baseball people would fill the lot in a matter of minutes!?! I eventually find myself cussing at these people (in my mind, or to Jane). It's so irritating and gets my blood to pumping!
To top it off, last night I also had two car-loads of young women pull in, the first of whom said they were there "for work." I asked for specifics and they motioned towards the church, so I mentioned that ministry, and they said, "Yeah!" So, naturally, I let them park for free. Well, after lollygagging around for awhile, they kind of moseyed toward the church entrance, but then started across the street toward the baseball field! Well, I hollered at them and said they had to pay to park if they were going to the game. The one girl paid right away, but the other one got mad. So both carloads ended up leaving in a huff. I felt justified... but then...
Well, if you know me, you know I eventually felt bad about it. I should have just let them park for free. Whether they "got away with something" was not my concern, and we didn't make a ton of money on the lot anyway, what with all the people there for the youth event at the church.
This also then set me to thinking about how upset I had been earlier in the day at work. The person who is supposed to keep us stocked with towels has not been doing so this week; and the boss is gone, and for some reason I therefore think I need to be in charge, and...
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I don't like myself when I lose my temper, or start to think bad thoughts about others, or feel myself getting intense about anything. I know these are just emotions, but I also know I have faltered and failed so many times when I let these emotions get the best of me. It's happened as a child, parent, spouse, pastor, at work... I guess, ultimately, I've come to not trust myself in how I will deal with these emotions.
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Lately I've also been haunted by an atrocious error I made back when I was pastoring. There was a family who had left the church, and I'd had a few run-ins with the wife in particular. She had been a teacher, and she'd also had a lot of crap in her childhood and younger years, so she had some issues of her own. Once we started butting heads though, and they left the church, I think I got a little paranoid. Or something.
I used to keep tabs of people who visited my blog, and though blog trackers aren't known to be overly reliable, I could see that someone from her company was reading my blog every day. So, as I kind of started 'losing it' just before my "sabbatical," I made some pretty blatant passive-aggressive posts directed towards her. I eventually even went so far as to confront her via email. I was upset, and it was not pretty.
To make matters worse, it was several months later - if not even years - when I discovered... there was someone else that worked there who actually WAS the person reading my blog every day! For all I know, she didn't even know I had a blog. I was humbled, horrified, and humiliated. How could I have been so wrong? Why hadn't I realized this (I should have!)? Why didn't someone say something at the time?!?!
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It's things like this that make me question myself. Certainly I know I am not perfect. I never will be, and neither will you! Yet, I wish these thoughts didn't leave me feeling so insecure and vulnerable.
So, I suppose this is why I am quieter than I used to be. I'm trying to be careful, more humble; listen and gain awareness; think...
I'm trying.
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