If only

 

Apparently there is a song called "If Only." I don't believe I've  heard it, but Google says the first line is...

A million thoughts in my head
Should I let my heart keep listening

That's a good line. I can relate.

If only there weren't so much hate in the world...

If only people didn't suck...

If only we could believe what people said...

If only I could keep it together...

If only we didn't need money...

There are a million 'if onlys' out there. Nothing seems to matter, and yet it does. 

***

I'm feeling a bit down. I don't understand how people can be so hateful. How people can seemingly relish the thought of others pain and suffering. 

I think capitalism sucks as an economic system. For capitalism to work someone has to lose. Someone has to capitalize on something or someone at someone else's expense. You know, in a dog-eat-dog world of "only the fittest survive," and "you get what you deserve," and "earning your keep," and "you don't work, you don't eat," and such... where does that leave the down and out, the less fortunate, the has-beens, never-were, disabled, unable-to-function folks of the world? Where does that leave poor children, addicts, the unlucky, not to mention someone with a healthcare bill that bleeds their back account...? Oh, and what about the artists? Do we just throw these people away? Discard them like yesterdays coffee grounds...? "Not my problem," you say. "They should have thought of that when they chose their path." ...

There is so little fucking compassion in the world. What's worse... there seems even less compassion in the church of today. (And by "church" I mean people who say they are Christians).

And who decided money should decide everything?!? Huh? Who???

***

I've also been thinking about... home security. How much money is spent on home security nowadays? I have no idea, but some schmuck talked my mom into buy some home security cameras for her house. You know, so she can now watch her phone and see when the neighbors cat comes up on her porch for a nap! What the hell?!

I realize there are different reasons people have these things, but why is it such an industry? What are we so afraid of? I'll tell you what: We're afraid someone is going to come and take our STUFF! 

I have stuff too. Books, musical instruments, and Jesus pictures. Most days I wish I didn't have anything. A few sets of clothes and some shoes. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything happening to my 'stuff.' 

I know people who can pack everything they own into a garbage bag. I see them every day. Are they worse off? I don't know.

***

Anyway, I started thinking about the 'if only' because I sometimes think, "If only I didn't spend so much time running, then I'd have more time." Or, "If only I didn't take so much time out of my day to write on this stupid blog, then I'd have more time." And, of course, "If only I didn't have to go to work, then I'd have time to..."

It occurred to me the other day, though... More time to do what? What would I do if I didn't run, or write, or work? I don't know. I'd probably just drink more.

So maybe that's what I am. I am a runner, a writer, and a... well, I don't know what to call my work. Do I do these things well? Heck no. But it's what I do. What else would I do? 

***

Meh, I had other thoughts. Better thoughts. But my heart is tired. Of listening.

***

"I have also learned why people work so hard to succeed: it is because they envy the things their neighbors have. But it is useless. It is like chasing the wind" (Ecclesiastes 4:4)