Opposite of advent

The Christian season of Advent is usually one of my favorite times of year. It's the four Sundays before Christmas, normally filled with a sense of anticipation and expectation; looking forward to the arrival of the Savior of the world (or the incarnation, if you will). This year, though...

• a president who still refuses to leave without making as much of a mess as he can (including potential civil war)
• a pandemic that is as out of control 10 months in as it's ever been
  
• a rushed vaccine that raises as many questions as answers
• 300,000+ dead Americans and counting
• still processing the death of my dad to covid (I will forever blame trump - he didn't cause it, but he also didn't address it with any degree of integrity)
• family adjustments
• the Exodus House closing (lack of donations)
• no social life (no hobbies, music, events, church gatherings, restaurants, or anything)
• no Christmas gatherings (including the boy not coming home - which is understandable)
• not getting paid for 24 of the last 70 work hours of the year because of holiday closing
• MY.JOB.SUCKS. 

 And a merry fucking christmas to you too!

Oof. I'm sorry. It's getting to me, and there seems no outlet for my frustration. All I do is go to work and come home, then eat, play games on my phone, watch GRIT TV, and go to bed so I can do it all over again the next day. And my work totally sucks right now (I know I already said that, but it needs emphasized a couple thousand times).

Actually, it's not even my job. While, yes, it is a total bullshit job with no meaningful value (or benefits)... My employer is who really sucks! I feel like I am being used and abused. I work at the branch more than anyone else (35 hours), and my supervisor is now there only 15 hours (at most). I am expected to answer the rest of the staff's questions and take care of day to day operations, yet I get no say in anything, have no authority, no control, can give no input... and the only person I have to talk to or who will talk to me is my supervisor who I see maybe 5 minutes a week (and I doubt he listens anyway, and, honestly, I don't even bother saying anything anymore because of it)! They won't make me full-time but want me to do all this so the full-time staff can work from home! I feel isolated, ignored, neglected, and disrespected. So, I've basically just quick caring. I would quit working there but I'm too depressed to find another job, so I guess I'll just wait until they fire me.

Yes, I know what you're thinking: it's the same everywhere. And it probably is, and I probably don't deserve a better job. It's just really frustrating. Oh, and not to mention THE ADDED STRESS OF WORKING EVERY DAY IN ONE OF THE MOST LIKELY PLACES TO CATCH COVID!!!!

Yesterday I found myself actually hoping someone would give me crap about having to wear a mask... Because I literally wanted to pound the shit out of someone! I am not a violent person, and I don't know that I've ever even punched anyone in my life, but I have this strange desire to do it now (almost all the time), and I don't necessarily like it.

Aaaaaaaanyway... sorry again for the rant. I just needed to tell someone.

I don't know if it's ironic, or totally fitting, that my daily devotions in Luke have me going through Passion week right now. It kind of is the opposite of Advent in a way. And I know they say "Sunday's coming"... I don't know if it will get here soon enough...

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"So they arrested Jesus, took him off, and brought him into the high priest's house. Peter followed at a distance. They lit a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat around it, and Peter sat among them..." - Luke 22:54-55