You know that feeling when everything is going good, and unexpectedly so, and even with regret nipping the air, it is momentarily swallowed by imagined glee?? Then all of a sudden... flump!
Yeah, it happened again.
Why does it always happen?
Yesterday I was gliding along. We’d had the grandkids overnight. They’re so easy anymore. Though I was worried they wouldn’t want to come because we don’t have video games or a dog or friends. We’re just two old farts. But they did. It made me happy.
I had been a little down because though I/we had basically stopped drinking for 6 weeks or so, I/we kind of fell off the wagon again. She can have a coupla drinks and be fine. Not me. I’m an alcoholic. Once it’s open it’s going to be gone. Thursday I bought a bottle of brandy and... I missed my workout Friday. Missed mostly everything til evening. Still, it was just a weekend.
I had a little hair o’ dog into Saturday afternoon. My Illini were actually playing basketball on TV that we could watch. I made a deal out of it. Watched the whole game, and we won big time!! It was great. I silently celebrated with all the people I don’t know on the message boards. It feels/felt so good to be on a winning swing. I was in heaven.
We then watched a coupla movies. Jane suggested Nomadland. I thought it looked good and I like the Fargo lady. It was swell, in the saddest of ways. Pretty gut-wrenching tear-jerker makes you think. Sad good. Then we just let it play and another movie came on about this teen who lived for music - the ultimate playlist of noise - and the horror not only of losing his hearing, but all his beautiful memories as well. Life completely turned upside down.
My emotional swing set off. I guess it was too much. Joy and sadness and drinking and fear and dunking gladness and... I don’t know. I can’t handle much.
Anyway, I glanced Facebook to sort of avoid my mind, and for some stupid reason it seemed like a good time to change my profile picture. I’ve been going to do it for a month. It always seems to be such an ordeal though. But I thought I’d survived so much on this day. The heights and depths hadn’t killed me yet... or so I thought.
Well, I put what I thought was a good pic of myself. I showed the above to you last month when I took it. I like my smile and the ease on my face. Do you know how amazing it is that I LIKE something about myself?!? I was happy. Or so I thought.
Then... a family member (sister-in-law) comments “Yikes! Looks like Einstein!” I was... a little stunned. I mean, I’ve had people mention the Einstein likeness before... But “yikes!”! WTF?!?
I steamed and brewed for days over the next few minutes. Finally, with nary a sound and certainly no consultation, I replied with an honest “fuck you.” I’m sure she was drunk, but “yikes” seemed entirely inappropriate and uncalled for. Like telling someone they’re fat, or ugly!
It got worse though! Then my MOM sends me a text telling me I better delete that comment “because it’s family, and what will she think.” I know what I’m thinking! YOUR DAMN RIGHT ITS FAMILY, AND WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK, AND WHY ARE YOU - MY MOM - SIDING WITH SOMEONE ELSE!?!
I was shaking mad. So I eventually just unfriended the sister-in-law and changed the setting to only friends and now the comments are both gone. I thought about unfriending a bunch of people, or just deactivating my account entirely. Screw everyone. I never want to go back "home." I don't HAVE a home anymore!!
And now I’m gone. The day was too long. Too much. I’m in that mind where I don’t know if I can function in this world. Like, am I really insane? Is this one of those things - and there seem to be so many - where someday years from now I will think back and feel like such a fool? Or that I totally misunderstood and realize how wrong I am? Have I literally gone mad!?!
I don’t know. The thrill is gone. As is the smile. I've yet to talk about it with anyone but you, because I don't really know what to even say. But I feel like the moon dripped all over my sunshiny day. And I don’t like it.
Maybe this world is just not my home.
***
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” -Matthew 8:20
1 comment:
As I said, I'm glad you left the picture. That was my thought exactly when I saw it, love that smile and the happy look on your face. Still do. Always will.
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