By a thread

I almost titled this "Who Am I Kidding?" Ugh...

Last week I wrote about my progress running again. Ever since then I've only been able to walk; and even that is a chore. My left calf has started bothering me again. I may have to break down and see a doctor. It's so freaking discouraging I haven't even told anyone.

And, let's see, wasn't it just yesterday I was feeling all positive about writing...? Yeah, never mind. Who am I kidding thinking I could write something helpful for anyone? I can't maintain positivity. Every day as I drive to work at 4:30 in the morning I remind myself I'm just a useless old man with a worthless miserable job.

Of course part of this feeling is BECAUSE OF my job. Right now my bosses boss is on this big "teamwork" kick, because she wants us to all get excited about the annual fundraising campaign. This year she apparently decided to take over the 5k I've done the past two years... And failed to include or consult me about it!!! I mean, whatever, I know that's how the business world works. But teamwork? Really?? The indoor 5k was my idea. I put a lot of work into planning and organizing it each year, and LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! Why? Because it's the only thing that's ever made me feel like I was a part of the Y in the three years I've worked there! I felt like I was finally making a contribution... and now they don't want me to. Which, call me crazy, but excluding me kind of seems the exact opposite of teamwork!! But what do I know?

So, I'm just sitting here holding on by this thread. The funny thing, I suppose, is that every time I go to type "thread," I actually type "threat" instead. Haha. That would probably send Freud into a freaky froth. Which kind of makes me feel better. Because it is not a threat. It's just another day.

I honestly do not care. It's no one's fault. Nothing is going to change. I don't even know how I would want things to change if they could.

I'm trying to be more gentle and patient with myself. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes it's all we've got to hang on to.

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“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” -Colossians 3:12