Repent/reframe

We had an exceptional weekend taking our granddaughter to Cincinnati. I plan to tell you about that one of these days. This morning, though, our cat woke us up...

I don't know why our cat was meowing at 2-something this morning. She almost NEVER meows. We usually don't even see her. But today she came upstairs and wandered down the hall to our bedroom (which she also almost never does) and was meowing. And not only once, but several times.

It was after the first or second time that my mind began to meander. Apparently I was going to be awake for the day, so I decided to write this stuff down. Not at first, mind you... but as I lay there I was finally able to convince myself to do so, because I knew if I didn't it would be lost forever along with all the other early morning thoughts I'd had that I was sure I would recall later... only to have absolutely no recollection of even thinking anything, let alone something worth remembering.

So... this was my thought. At least the bare bones of it. I decided to go ahead and jot down the tidbits first, hoping to someday expand on it more fully. You know, unlike all those unpublished drafts I've started that have gone the same way as my early morning ruminations.

Here it is...

I need to repent. I'll explain what repenting means when I get around to the full post, but what I mean more specifically is not just a changing of my mind, but a reframing of my thinking. I'm tired of living the way I have been, and of the shape my life has taken. And it's because of how I think about life and my place in it. I don't like it, and it's about time I did something about it!

I believe this repenting/reframing involves three specific areas for me:

1. INTEGRITY: WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING

It's not enough to just say I want to be different. It's not even enough to tell someone else about it! I need to be different even when no one is watching or knows about it. This is about being honest with myself. And I'll throw God in here as well...

2. HUMILITY VS. PASSIVITY

There's a big difference between the two. I've been living passively for waaaaay too long. Long before I stopped pastoring. In fact, I can remember when I consciously started. Not the specific date, but I remember thinking to myself that perhaps I was being to intense and controlling, and I needed to just let people do what they wanted to do. Not only in the church, but around me in leadership, and pretty much everywhere. Who was I to interfere or interject anything? Well, I kinda/sorta think now maybe God gave me a brain and certain giftings because there are/were certain things he wanted me to do and say... and I just quit doing and saying them. This passivity is not only killing me, but it's deadened my relationship with God too. That's why I say the counter is humility rather than activity... (more on this later).

3. SINCERITY VS. SARCASM

This one has a lot to do with the last one. I've relied too heavily on sarcasm as a coping mechanism for my passivity. And I hate it! I hate using sarcasm and I hate hearing it! I especially hate how my grandchildren have become subject to such sarcastic cynicism as they have. They don't understand it the way adults do, and I hate seeing it eat away at their innocence. I want to be sincere again. I want my 'yes' to mean 'yes' and my 'no' to mean 'no.' And I want my grandchildren to know the difference and know that they can trust what I say and not have to guess or wonder if I'm being serious, sarcastic, or silly. It's a terrible way for them to grow up.

Anyway... so that's what I was thinking when the cat woke us up this morning. I finally did sit with her a bit, and even held her for awhile. She actually cuddled in my arms. She never does that either. So I don't know what's up with that.

Afterward, I opened my morning devotional (Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals) and the daily reading was from Psalm 119 (below). It concluded with this written prayer:

"Lord, thank you for using the foolish to confound the wise and the weak ones to shame the strong. Help us live with the shrewdness of serpents and the innocence of doves. Keep our feet from fatigue, our spirits from despair, and our hands from failing to rise in praise to you. Amen."

So, hopefully I can expand on this some day. If not, it's at least written down here, instead of lost along with all those other morning dreams.

***

Psalm 119: 121-25

"I have done what is just and right: do not deliver me to my oppressors.

My eyes have failed from watching for your salvation: and for your righteous promise.

Deal with your servant according to your loving-kindness: and teach me your statutes.

I am your servant; grant me understanding: that I may know your decrees.

Make us one with your poor, O Lord: that we might see the salvation of our God."