So much

 

"Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin' 

Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'"

- Bob Dylan

2020 was supposed to be the year of the "new normal." Yet for some reason 2021 seems to keep right on a-changin'.

So many things; so many people. So much.

I just don't feel like writing anymore. Or reading. I'm exhausted most of the time. Numb the rest.

Jane is still transitioning to her new job. It seems to be going okay, as long as her old boss eventually comes to realize she no longer works for her (and they hire someone to replace Jane).

I never knew how much I would miss my old boss. We were quite different, but did have some things in common. I miss chatting with him about college sports, music, and running. It's weird. 

I also just found out the bike mechanic at my work is leaving. She's been here since before I was. I like her. We rarely talk, but she's a very calming presence around the place. I will miss her, mostly because it will change the bike shop.

The physical therapy office inside my workplace continues to change. It seems there are different staff people every day. I can't keep up.

Supposedly I have several new bosses at work. Reality would lead me to believe I don't have any. And it's difficult when none of my 'superiors' know as much about my workplace as I do, yet I get no say. At least one seems to be a good listener (the two times I've seen her); the other two seem to have something to prove. None of them, though, really have anything to do with me. I just keep doing more and more and pretty much work most days like I am the boss. There's no one here to tell me what to do, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm doing right, what I should be doing, or... anything. I'm mostly alone, and working my a** off for some odd reason! At the end of the day I am worn out. This week, with no running, I just go home and sit and stare into space.

Yesterday I got news that an old friend from my pastor days is having to bury his son (I think he was 37). Another covid death. How many more will there be? Why? And, yes, I know there is that one single person everyone seems to share on social media who died from the vaccine. I bet none of the people sharing it know who she is. It seems every day I hear of another anti-vaxxer who has been hospitalized or died.

I don't even have the energy to be upset anymore. Well, that's not true. I'm plenty upset. Shit, I cried at the front desk yesterday when I heard about my friend's son. Why do I care? How much longer can I?

I suppose that's why I run. It's a chance to leave it all behind and not have to think, or feel, or care about the rest of the world.

I was a bit caught off guard this morning though. People are always bringing things for my coworker. It helps that she's female and 22. No one brings me anything. Okay, rarely. This morning one of our group exercise classes gave me the card pictured above. I was speechless, and while I didn't outright cry, I got a bit misty-eyed. They all signed it, and the instructor MADE the card. It's to wish me well for the marathon I'm running this weekend. I'm still not sure what to say. I never thought a simple gesture could mean so much.

And now I have nothing more to say. There are too many emotions anymore. Too much change. So much...

***

Isaiah 55:12

 "When you are set free, you will celebrate and travel home in peace. Mountains and hills will sing as you pass by, and trees will clap."