Disappointment lurks

I was surprised by how excited I was... and then how let down.

It seems to happen any time I let myself be happy, get my hopes up, or think I'm having a good time. I end up being disappointed either in myself or someone else.

My brain immediately rewinds to the motorcycle magazine I bought with my own 2nd-grade pop bottle collection money. My dad disgustingly made me return it because there was a woman in a bikini on the cover (which I hadn't even noticed). Or when we went on family vacation to Dallas and, since I was such a diehard young Cowboys fan, my dad actually drove us into the parking lot at Texas Stadium. Oh, there was no game or anything, I was ecstatic just to see the place. We got out of the car in the empty lot and I inhaled all its glory. I may have even been smiling. There happened to be a broken padlock laying on the ground. I picked it up for a souvenir (which would have been my most prized). But dad yelled something about it being stealing and to put it down, and he sucked years of joy from my life as our Galaxy 500 peeled back onto the highway.

According to psychologist Alice Miller, what most adults learn from childhood is "the art of not experiencing feelings." And I've had plenty more unmet expectations since to harden me further into self-protection. Just go through the motions. "I shall not want." Have another drink. Die another meaningless phone-game death.

So, when I woke up this morning and had a messenger notification from one of our former friends at the church I had pastored, I was surprised by how hopeful I got. "Finally," I thought to myself. It's been over 9 years since we've heard a word from any of them (the leaders/"friends" who had supposedly agreed to give me a sabbatical and then completely alienated us). Perhaps reconciliation is still possible, I thought... After all the failed attempts we've made... Unanswered emails... Prayers to no avail. Maybe... Possibly...Could this be the day???

You know I'm an idiot, right? Of course I am. Yeah, apparently his Messenger account must have been hacked. Hell, it wasn't even a message to ME! It was some spam-shit sent to a group chat. Why am I so stupid? So gullible.

Honestly, I felt like God had played a cruel joke on me. And I told him so.

Sometimes that's all we can do: Yell at God. Then get back up, put on our clothes, and wander into another day.

So here I am. This job I love/hate. My routines which both drive me crazy and keep me sane. Wait for work to end so I can drudge through another afternoon run for my temporary adrenaline fix. I suppose it's these things that keep the blood flowing so my heart doesn't freeze over entirely. One more day.

***

Psalm 38:9-10

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
    my sighing is not hidden from you. 

My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
    even the light has gone from my eyes.