Cologuard

Since I can't seem to find a writing groove lately... let me tell you about my Cologuard test. [This is when Jake from State Farm is supposed to step in and say "You don't need to get that personal for our Personal Price Plan"]...

When I went for my first visit with the new doctor he was adamant that I get a colonoscopy. He couldn't believe I'd never had one. I was like, man, I've never had any issues, and I don't want to start messing around 'down there' if I don't have to (I didn't tell him I also thought it was all part of a big scam the insurance and medical industries have sucked us into to make oodles of money for themselves). He finally settled on letting me do an at-home test.

Now, I'm no advocate for crapping into a cup and taking it to UPS, but it's way easier than having to take a day and a half out of my life and having a camera shoved up you-know-where. And even though it is recommended for every 3 years (instead of every 10 for a clear colonoscopy), it is still supposedly 90-some percent effective at detecting colon cancer even in the early stages. It's also super simple and easy to do.

So, as far as my experience with Cologuard.... the worst part was putting up with all the text and phone messages asking if I had any questions and reminding me to do it. Geez. I wanted to wait until after the marathon to do it, because sometimes running higher mileage can, you know, cause chaffing issues and whatnot (the test will supposedly detect any blood from anywhere in the vicinity, and I didn't want to risk it). They finally gave me a week to turn it in. Fortunately it was the week after the marathon. So I finally did my business and mailed it back in the box it came in. It really was easy-peasy.

Then early last week, when I was feeling down from being sick and my foot hurting, I got a message from my doctors office to call them as soon AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I knew right away it was the results from the test, and immediately thought the worst! Why else would they call? Why else would it need to be as soon as possible!?!

Well, it was them... but the results were negative. Which I double-checked to make sure that meant there were no signs of colon cancer detected. And I breathed a sigh of relief. I don't have to do it again for 3 years.

Of course I say all this knowing it is nothing to joke about. If I had had any problems or had a family history, I would definitely feel different. Until then, though, I'm good with the ease and comfort of the at-home testing.