When passion looks like anger

I was reading the new next-wave ezine this morning. A good article on "The State of Emergent 2006". Addess: http://www.the-next-wave-ezine.info/issue85/index.cfm?id=8&ref=COVERSTORY

One thing that soudned good and bad was... there won't be many emergent books published this year. That's good in that maybe I can finally catch up; and if all goes well even re-read some of the ones Ive wanted to re-read. The bad news is... no new books from certain autheors.

So, why the title? I am depressed today. Once again I have been passionate about something, but for some reason when I get passionate about things, it often sounds like I am angry. And I'm not. I don't think. But then I thought, "Well, maybe I have some unresolved issues that I need to deal with and I really am angry." Certaily I have issues. But I don't think I'm angry.

I emailed someone an apology the other day... because I thought I may have offended them in my passion. They accepted my apology, but said they don't really ever pay attention to anything I say anyway because they've "learned to disregard me." Wow. That kinda hurt. Especially since I thought I was the one making the grand gesture of apologizing - when I really thought they were the one who had offended me.

Then I read a message I posted elsewhere yesterday, and it looks a little like maybe I was angry when writing it. But I WASN'T at all. In fact, I was in a very GOOD mood when I wrote it. Sometimes even my humor looks like anger. What the heck is wrong with me?

So... should I act more, or let things slide more? I don't know.

One thing I think I'm going to do... I'm going to start a Bible-reading program again. I know I've been against "programs" lately, but I NEED to start reading it regularly again. I think at one time I had read the Bible through like 5 or 6 years in a row. Then I stopped a couple years ago. I want to restart. But instead of one of those 'One Year Bibles', I think I'll use this other guide from ABS and read the Contemporary English Version.

I really wanted to be more positive. Trying. Had someone tell me several tidbits of gossip this morning though that are making it tough. I don't know why when people leave a church - why can't they just leave? Why do they have to spread gossip and lies? Should I confront or just let it go? I dunno.

I have so much to do. My mail pile is about 8 inches high now. They're to start on the pavilion next week. Premarital counseling. Paperwork. Junk. Junk. Junk.

Where's the passion? I want to get excited about something. I need to get involved in something. I need a fix. What to do.

Better is one day. One day will be better. One day. Better day. One. Will. Be.

peace