Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Rhythm, goals and what if's

I've been pondering the idea of goals since the end/beginning of the year. I know I should set some goals. I think goal-setting is a great thing. It gives one something to work towards, helps motivate, and provides a sort of benchmark for your life.

I was ready to write out some 2016 goals the other day... but I had trouble pulling the trigger. After contemplating this conundrum, I've determined that goals are not my friend right now. And that's okay.

Honestly, I just don't have the confidence to set any goals at this time. Sure, I'd like to run a marathon (one of my few goals last year - unmet, of course), but then when I don't... it just reinforces my sense of failure. I love reading my daughter's list of goals that includes running x number of 5k's, reading books, etc.; however, again, when I start to think about myself, I develop this nerve-ball in my gut and my confidence goes to pot (or beer).

I suppose the truth is, as much as I hate to admit it, I still haven't gotten over the whole "Fairview thing." Which is so frustrating, because I WANT to. As I've said before, it's not about being asked to resign, but more the betrayal and being ignored; never being given the opportunity to put closure on a huge chunk of our lives; the total and complete rejection. I don't dwell on it like I used to, but it is keeping me from moving forward.

Jane and I have talked about starting a small group in our home, but then I find myself shrinking into the thought "what if it happens again?" We have felt compelled to help our friends as support people in their small church, but I think it is just too similar to our situation at Fairview, and just when I think I can dip my toe in... I find myself panicking. We have lately entertained the possibility of moving to another area and assisting in a ministry there. It's the same thing: "what if?" I just can't seem to shake it. Gah!!!

So... putting all that aside, I've decided, okay, if I can't set goals, how about if I establish some intentional RHYTHMS? It's not so much about achieving something, as simply saying 'This is how I want to live. I believe this can help me get from here to there.'

So, here are some rhythms I want to pursue in 2016:
  • Continue reading through the Bible. Scripture reading to start the day, every day. 
  • Praying with Jane before we go to bed each night. We've always struggled to maintain praying together. Plus neither one of us feels like we can pray anymore. So we simply take turns making one or two sentence prayers mostly asking for direction.
  • Exercising and eating right (again). There are some things I'm going to need to stop doing in order to make exercise a priority, but it's simply too important for me to not do it. It's not just about losing weight, but more about feeling better. I DO feel better when I get under a certain weight, but it has to do with fitness and overall physical health too. And that helps with my mental health and how I feel about myself.
  • Prayer/meditation/silence. This is more of a 'listening to God' prayer time than 'petitioning' God. Simply quieting myself; slowing things down internally, in my mind; being present and available for the Holy Spirit, and attentive to the "still small Voice." Where it goes from there, I don't know. But I want to at least start there. 
I think that's about it. It is intentionally brief; intentionally directed more 'up' than 'out,' and purposely not exactly measurable. I guess I believe this is where God wants me to start, if you will, and so I am hoping he will take my meager effort and move me beyond where I can go on my own. So, here's to 2016.