Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Stop this crazy thing

The main reason I married my wife is so I could quote this line from the Jetsons: "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!" Well, maybe not, but it didn't hurt.

I take 100mg of Sertraline (generic Zoloft) every day as a "mood stabilizer." It's supposed to even out the high's and low's. I know it's been working, but it still seems I've been taking two steps back for every one forward lately.

I have been doing pretty well emotionally. I feel like I've been quieter and not near as excitable as sometimes. Yet it seems every time I start to think maybe I'm making some headway in this struggle to get my feet back under me, something happens that sends me spinning again.

This past weekend was pretty good. We had the pastor's family and the Feipel's over Friday evening and that went well. When we went roller skating Saturday I determined to enjoy myself. I pushed into my head the idea that life is meant to be lived, so I laced up the skates and laughed at myself heartily every time I fell. It was great fun. Sunday morning I found myself thinking of ways I could possibly lend a hand at/through our church. Jane and I even discussed a couple small group and ministry ideas. I felt that strange warmness I'd long ago forgotten.

But, you know, there's always something. Facebook does not help me. I can take it in stride for a time, but for some reason it will jump up and punch me in the nose now and then. I hate when I start to feel the angst creeping in. I've been trying to stop drinking - or at least drinking so much - for some time now. Part of the challenge, though, is I don't like myself when I'm completely sober. I get too excited and intense about things. I honestly justify drinking to keep from getting too overly intense again. I know that doesn't help, but...

Then there's also work. Ugh. As I've said before, I LIKE what I do. I like the mix of administrative/relational; alone/together; but if there is such a thing as an 'organizational' mood stabilizer, this company needs it. Sometimes I feel pretty good just doing my thing and contributing in my areas of strength, but then before I know it someone has pulled the rug out from under me and I can't seem to get back up.

I realize these are all mere symptoms of a restless soul. My house is not built on solid rock, but the shifting sands of a world other than the Kingdom of God. So today's writing is the honest uploading of that recognition, in hopes that naming it may frighten it away.

Some things I'd like to put my mind to (in no particular order and with no determination they necessarily need to be done):
  • Start exercising at least 3-4 times a week
  • Lose 20 lbs by June, or so
  • Renew my coaching license for at least this year
  • Continue reading the Sermon on the Mount
  • Begin looking for a new job
Yeah, this is a somewhat random ramble, but it's a start.