Friday, July 28, 2017

I quit my job

So... I quit my job today. I am writing this on Monday, July 24, 2017, but will not likely post it until later. I just wanted to write what I was feeling at the time.

They say people don't quit jobs, they quit bosses. To a large degree I liked what I did, but in the end it just seemed to be sucking the life out of me. I'd asked for a transfer to a different facility; I requested some changes; In the end it was simply too chaotic a work environment for me to function in. So I thought and prayed about it for a long time. Finally, after talking to my wife and a few others, I decided it was something I needed to do. I suppose there was a part of me that thought it was the 'noble' thing to do as well.

Around 11:15 in the morning I sent my supervisor this short email:
"I am writing to inform you that I am resigning from my position as ___________ for _________________. My last day will be Friday, August, 11. I appreciate the opportunity provided for me over the course of my tenure. Sincerely...."
It was interesting because as I typed it, but before sending it, I almost simultaneously got a text message from my wife and my sister wondering if I had done it yet. I took that as confirmation that I should go ahead and send it, so I did.

I heard right away from my supervisor saying how sorry she was and whatnot, and that she would forward it on to the owners. About an hour later I got an email from one of the owners asking to use the moving truck. I don't know if that was his way of letting me know that he'd seen my resignation but he was not going to acknowledge it or not. Maybe it was his way of letting me know he wasn't taking it personally.

Anyway, it is now almost 5 hours later. I was hoping that after I finally pulled the plug I would feel better. I do not. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fool. My stomach is in knots and I imagine everyone is laughing at me because I can't even work a job at a self-storage place. Ugh. I feel like I've let everybody down. Again.

Hopefully this feeling will pass with time. I'd had a peace about it last week when I first decided to do it. I wanted to wait through the weekend though so I didn't do it out of frustration or anger. I know it was the right thing to do. It's hard for me to recall all the struggles and frustrations I've had over my almost-four years here. It was simply time to move on. But, for now, I am feeling pretty low.


Added today...

I can't really say that I feel much better about quitting today than the day I did it. I haven't heard from anyone I work with or any of the owners or GM. I'm not really surprised by that and it's not what I was looking for, but everyone talks about how we are such a "family," so it's honestly a little disappointing. Not one person from the company has even asked me why I quit! I guess they just need another machine...

So, I don't know, what's done is done. Part of me wonders if I shouldn't have just taken another week off. I mean, I used to like the job, I made good money, had great hours, and still... I guess it doesn't matter now.

There are parts of the job I will miss but, overall, what bothers me is not that I won't be working here anymore. It's more the feeling of not being wanted or valued. I thought I did a good job, but I guess I thought I was an okay pastor too. Mostly though I think what worries me is my lack of confidence has taken another shot. What if I never recover and can never find a job and keep it again? I don't need to make a lot of money, but I do need to make some. And I'm still 11-15 years from retirement age (if I ever can retire). Ugh.

So, I'm wondering if I made a mistake. Now I'm stressed out because I DON'T have a job! What a miserable lot I am. I honestly thought it would be different. I thought there would be a sense of relief. Maybe that will come once I actually stop working. I dunno. Probably not. I'm an idiot.