I am forcing myself to write today... Because yesterday was a rough one. I'm not sure that this will help, or what I think it will accomplish, but I guess it's worth a try.
I started off yesterday feeling great! I woke up early, meditated for 10 minutes to Ps. 23:1 sitting cross-legged on the living room floor, I did my plank workout, walked/ran 4+ miles, and wiped several things off my to-do list (way more than usual)! It should have been a good day, so I am perplexed as to why I was nagged by insecurity all day and it ended so poorly.
I think part of the problem could be that I stopped and saw a former co-worker earlier this week. I was driving by the downtown storage facility (where I worked occasional Saturdays) and chatted with the manager there. It was an okay conversation, but I left feeling like a loser - I couldn't even maintain a job at a self-storage place. I felt stupid for quitting but when I tried to imagine going back to work there I felt even worse. Ugh.
Another thing, as I was running errands yesterday, was seeing all the "help wanted" signs throughout town. There seem to be plenty of jobs available, but none that I want to do. I've had good jobs, and I'm sure there are even better jobs to be had, but I feel pretty hopeless and overwhelmed at the thought of trying to find one. I just keep picturing myself trapped somewhere doing something I don't want to do! Double ugh.
I know it sounds ridiculous and many of my thoughts are not true, but still, there they are. I know I shouldn't feel worthless or hopeless or anything of the like as well... yet I do. And... while I want to be around people - I also don't! I want to talk with people, but I don't. I want to feel needed, but I don't. I want to be left alone, but I don't. Yada, yada, yada... It's all very frustrating, and I eventually find myself saying to myself what I imagine everyone else wants to say to me: "Why don't you just get over it!?!" I don't know...
So this morning I turned my alarm off and slept in. I decided against setting an agenda for the day and was resigned to it being a wash. It is now 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm still sitting here in what I slept in last night and have yet to brush my teeth. I have, though, had breakfast and 3 cups of coffee; raw veggies and spinach with a glass of water for lunch; and I've been watching/reading stuff on the internet.
First I watched a rather long video on Options Trading which caught my eye. It's probably a scam. Besides, I know very little about money, and have never liked to gamble, but for some reason it interested me.
The other thing I did was sign up for a class on Udemy. Tom has talked about this before - they have all kinds of online classes you can take for not a lot of money - but I'd never checked it out. With just a quick glance through their site I was immediately drawn to the 'personal development: self esteem' category. THAT seemed to be what I needed. So I signed up and started the course: Radical Acceptance with Tara Brach. I'm not very far into it yet, and it does teach a lot of Buddhist mindfulness stuff, but so far it seems to be helpful.
I guess that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying not to think about all the things I 'should' do, or 'need to' do, or worry about what people will think about me if I do or don't do this or that. I think that's where I get myself into trouble. I am feeling pretty lazy and worthless already, and it doesn't help to think about it. So... well... I guess that's about all I've got to say.
Peace out; and in.
