Legs and a lack of passion

Not that I'm singing any ZZ Top, but it is nice to report that my legs have been feeling better after a couple weeks wondering if I was going to be done running this summer.

What started with some left heel pain developed into sore calves and lower legs. I began to fear it was an achilles problem, so I have been quite diligent about stretching, soaking in epsom salt/baking soda/apple cider vinegar baths, wearing compression socks and sleeves, and taking it slooooooow with the running. I also just started doing legs-up-the-wall following runs. I'm beginning to think maybe me legs will survive after all.

What has left me wanting is a lack of interest in holy week this year. This has typically been one of my favorite times of the year - between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday - but I haven't felt.... anything this year. We aren't planning to observe Maundy Thursday or Good Friday in any way, and Sunday will be just another Sunday.

I'm kind of sad about that. It honestly feels a little like I don't care about Jesus anymore. I don't think that's true but... it's almost like there is no more glue to hold things together ("You used up all the glue on purpose!"). I dunno... I'm trying not to think about it too much. Maybe it's just a temporary thing; it goes along with this season; it's not the end of the world. I don't think you can force passion, so I'm trying not to. Maybe it will one day return on its own.

--------

So, sort of a "where I'm at" summary for right now:

• I'm still working 30-ish hours a week at the Y. It's mindless work. My schedule is all over the place too: early morning, mid-day, some nights... four-hour shifts, eight-hour shifts, and some four-hours in the morning and four-hours at night on the same day...
• I actually haven't driven Uber since St. Patricks Day. I've not been in the mood for people much, and I felt I needed to cut back somewhere for my sanity. It's a weird sort of stress and I think sometimes I just need to step away for a bit.
• I really think I'd like to have just one 'regular' job again, but I have zero confidence I could do it. I know I COULD do a lot of things, but it's keeping my interest that's the problem. It's kind of depressing to think maybe I can't hold down a job. Is this what that is like? Ugh.
• I have started running on the treadmill again. Slowly. I only run 3 or maybe 4 times a week, and I slowed down because I felt like trying to run too fast is what was hurting my legs. I am not going to be very well prepared for this half marathon in 38 days. Jane will probably need to slow down if she intends to run with me. This is a little depressing too, but I feel fortunate that my leg pain seems to be subsiding.
• I am starting to dread minor league baseball season. For some stupid reason I said I would be in charge of the church parking lot for the games. There are 70 home games!!! Why in the world did I do that? I don't think it will be a ton of work, but it will be time-consuming, and often. Ugh.
• Church itself has been a bit of a downer too. And I don't think it's this particular church, but just in general. I used to think I had something to offer - be it church, work, or anything. I'm not so sure anymore.
• All that said, I don't really feel "depressed." Maybe I am, but I just feel sort of... I don't even know what. My life seems to consist of going to work (and doing nothing), working out, and sleeping. I suppose I spend too much time reading about University of Illinois sports, but other than that I have no desire to read, write, or talk to people. I'm sort of just here.

---------

Well, okay, there will be no major award today. I'll just be basking in the glow of mundane-ity (I don't think that's a word). Time to get on the treadmill and work up a sweat; quit thinking so much. It is what it is, after all...