When I cross the finish line

As this first marathon of mine gets closer, I admit there are times I try to visualize different parts of the race. One, in particular, is crossing the finish line.

A prominent scenario in my mental role-play is blazing across the line with fists raised, as well as the middle finger on both hands! There's a large part of me that is motivated to finish this marathon as a big "F U" to all the people who have given up on me! From teachers and schoolmates who never thought I'd amount to anything, to church leaders that think I couldn't 'cut the mustard,' to more recent friends who turned their back when the going got a little rough...

I've never been afraid to admit my imperfections. They are many. Unfortunately, one of the worst is not being able to handle criticism and rejection very well. I can be loyal to a fault, but I can also turn on a dime. I am not proud of this part of my psyche.

As I thought about this in a different 'light' so-to-speak - the idea of crossing the Great Finish Line of life - it changed my perspective rather dramatically though. Is that really how I want things to end? I don't want to be bitter and vengeful. I want to be thankful and gracious when my journey slows and begins to fade.

So, in my dreams of racing across the finish line at Parkview Field, I hope to be able to remember all those who helped and supported me along the way. The encouragers and supporters; those who took the time to offer advice or ask about the training; even just the people who DIDN'T give up on me. There are many in my life who quietly stand behind me and wish me well - even if they aren't overly vocal about it. And, honestly, many of the people who seem to have dropped out of my life over the past few years may have actually felt more 'pushed' out of my life. I'm not an easy person to deal with under normal circumstances, let alone this recent stretch of heavier than usual drinking fits.

Maybe that's what this marathon is more about: me giving the F U to my old self. Perhaps it's proving to myself that I CAN set my mind to something, and actually do it! More than a simple confidence boost, but a real out-and-out achievement!

Yes, when I cross this finish line (the marathon... and it's a "when" with fingers crossed still), I hope I can muster a smile... at the thought of all those I appreciate and depend on; as well as putting to rest some demons. And, in the event I don't make it, I can at least celebrate the fact that it is, in fact, possible for me to accomplish something still. You know, maybe it's less about the finish line, and more about learning to enjoy the journey. Now wouldn't that be something? ;)