So, it appears I have turned fifty-six years old. My birthday was yesterday, November 2nd. Another year has passed since I was spit out into this world. Another calendar tucked into history. I suppose it's also a year closer to my demise. And so it goes.
This birthday was a little different than usual for me. Not only do we have the Feipel five still living with us, but the wife and daughter then left for the weekend to celebrate with my mom in Illinois (I was born on my mom's birthday). So, in a way, I suppose my "present" this year was NOT having to celebrate my birthday. :) I rather like that.
My day started at the weekday-usual 3:55 am. I left for work at 4:30 and had the YMCA ready for the 5 am crowd. I worked until 11 am, then ran 5+ miles on a front-row treadmill (at work) followed by a shower (also at work). I arrived back home around 1 pm. After lunch I drank a beer (All Day IPA) and took a somewhat long, hard nap. Jane arrived home later in the afternoon, followed by Carrie and the kids. When Drew got home, the ladies left for Illinois, and it was me, Drew, and the crew of Anna, Bennett, Caleb left to fend for ourselves. We had supper (chicken soup and/or chili), watched some cartoons, and before long the kids were in bed. Drew and I shared a couple beers before he went to bed (actually, I had a couple glasses of wine), and I'm guessing I nodded off in the basement recliner somewhere around 10 pm. No Tombstone frozen pizza this year, but I didn't mind.
This morning Drew took the kids to some friends of theirs to play while he goes to work. So I guess this is my real present: alone time in the house. Thus far I've spent it drinking coffee, I just ate like 6 sugar cookies for breakfast, and I've been reading the "news" (Illini basketball news) on the computer while looking out the living room window at the glow of red and gold leaves fluttering from the trees (pictured). It has been quite grand so far.
So... how am I feeling at 56 years of age? Well, I think I'm doing okay, actually. Maybe even surprisingly. Yes, I still have my down days - sometimes feeling sorry for myself; sometimes believing life has passed me by - but for the most part, I am feeling fairly content. Not necessarily "comfortable"... not that I'm uncomfortable... but I'm quite alright with where I seem to be at the moment. A good summation was last night... sitting on the couch with one grandchild dozing on my right shoulder and another cuddled up into my left. In moments like those Metallica nailed it - nothing else matters. :)
As far as work is concerned... I suppose I sort of have the job of a retired person. It is mundane and petty by many people's standards. I make coffee, fold sweat towels, scan people into the Y and make chit-chat. It is not difficult or in any way challenging on the surface.
My spiritual life is equally stress-free and simple. We attend a worship gathering most Sundays, I meet with my longtime friend and mentor/mentoree Tom most weeks, and I still read, pray, and study pretty much as I have for several decades now (though now almost solely by myself). I am just about done with the discipleship coach training I started 6 months or so ago.
Personally, even though the marathon is still yet to sink in, I feel good physically. I'm still working out several days a week, and back to the 50mg of zoloft a day, which has me feeling pretty good emotionally. Dare I say I find myself quite liking my life right now? Egad! I know, it's odd, isn't it?
I've had Eugene Peterson's "Subversive Spirituality" on my mind quite a lot lately (even before his death). I recall one of my seminary prof's sharing that servant leadership would require of us a 'downward' mobility, rather than the business-like upward trajectory most people think of. In other words, using pulpit pastors as an example, each church we worked at/for would get smaller and smaller, instead of bigger and bigger. That always stuck with me - so much so that I never had much desire for bigger at all. So, in a way, outward responsibility shrinks, but inwardly it is growing...
Not being in a 'paid-pastoral' role any longer really makes no difference in my thinking now. I still identify with the subversive mentality - in my work, church life, and life in general. Yes, there are times I get frustrated at work because I am not trusted with any responsibility and get little-to-no respect. However, seeing my work as "for the Lord" rather than for my boss should make it all the more meaningful. So, on my better days, I try to take the subversive mindset of "how can I bless these people today"? "How can I serve my boss?" "How can I be an invisible representative of the Kingdom of God?" Even if it's a little thing like writing a thought-provoking quote on the white board, or in how I fold the towels just right, how I try to be sensitive to the look on people's faces as they come in and go out and try to react in kind. There is much we can do inside each moment if we can connect it to eternity and see within it a thousand years magnified into every thought, movement, and act. Simple nods of the head have potential to elevate an afternoon from sleepy wonder into untold power over the forces at work in this dark world. Thinking like that has no room for responsibilities and workplace hierarchy, but subverts the entire system seen on the surface, and is, really, the stuff of life from the heavenly realms available to us now.
I suppose this same line of thought works in the rest of life for me as well. I hold no formal position within our church community, but my interactions are no less important. Perhaps this is what I lacked when I thought I was paid to do ministry. I felt responsible for so many things that did little more than keep me from seeing my real calling. I envy those who can do both, but for me, I simply cannot. And that's okay.
Even with my family. Now that my kids are older I don't feel the weight of responsibility as an obligation. In fact, I am more inclined to say I LIKE my wife; my kids and their spouses; my grandchildren. Yes, I love them too, but somehow love sounds more like that's just what you're supposed to say. But I honestly do LIKE them all. I like who they are... as people. I like how we get along. I like to think that we would all be friends in much the same way even if we WEREN'T family. I kind of think that's a much greater bond than merely being a spouse, dad, and grandpa (not that I don't like those things as well). I don't know... it's hard to explain.
Anyway... this is getting waaaay longer than I anticipated. It's a lot of words to say... I'm feeling pretty good about life as I slide into 56. My stress level is low. My mind seems strangely clear even if I can't formulate proper thought to put it into words. My dreams are not of yesterdays or tomorrows, but the eternity of the now. I feel quite blessed. And... being given this morning by my family and... God, I feel strangely loved. It's like I could just sit here in front of this computer screen in front of this window and look out at the trees and squirrels and blue skies forever. Happy Birthday to me! I honestly feel I have been gifted with this morning. It is perhaps the most emotion I've felt in some time. Yes, fifty-six feels pretty good right now. :) Thank you.
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