Let us begin: advent

I woke up this morning and, lo and behold, it's December! What brought me to this realization was opening the book I use for my daily devotions. I use the book "Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals" (online link:  http://commonprayer.net/). It follows the Christian calendar, so the last day of November was the end of the book, and the first day of December the beginning. This is because the season of Advent is the beginning of the "Christian year" (for those mindful of such things).

I don't put a lot of stock in such things, but I have found the liturgy to be helpful to me personally. Advent, Christmas, Lent, Easter, and all the periods that fill in the gaps are good reminders for me in living out my faith - which is probably what the whole point of liturgy is.

Anyway, we are now at the beginning of the season of Advent. My devotional for today began with this:

"Everything in our society teaches us to move away from suffering, to move out of neighborhoods where there is high crime, to move away from people who don't look like us. But the gospel calls us to something altogether different. We are to laugh at fear, to lean into suffering, to open oursleves to the stranger. Advent is the season when we remember how Jesus put on flesh and moved into the neighborhood. God getting born in a barn reminds us that God shows up in the most forsaken corners of the earth."

As the authors write later, "Advent, meaning 'the coming' is a time when we wait expectantly. Christians began to celebrate it as a season during the fourth and fifth centuries. Like Mary, we celebrate the coming of the Christ child, what God has already done. And we wait in expectation of the full coming of God's reign on earth and for the return of Christ, what God will yet do. But this waiting is not a passive waiting. It is an active waiting..."

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I've been thinking about that this morning... this 'active waiting.' It seems my waiting has been much more passive for a good while now. As has my listening, and pretty much everything about me.

I was immediatly struck by this prayer from the devotion, written by Charles de Foucauld: "Father, I abandon myself into your hands, do with me what you will. For whatever you may do, I thank you. I am ready for all, I accept all, let only your will be done in me, as in all your creatures."

Dang, that's a scary prayer. To me. So I've decided to begin this Advent season with an active confession... Yes, confession. And it's active because I want to expect something will come from it. I am not even in a position to repent as of yet - where I could actually change direction - because that would be beyond my abilities. Confession is where it must begin.

So, I confess, Lord, that I cannot pray the above prayer. Yet. I want to be able to, but I am too passive; too timid; too... afraid. I seem unable to yeild myself into your hands and your will. That's all I know to do right now, and I wait for You to show me how to repent. Amen.

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This is where I find myself today. One can't begin if we don't know what we're to begin to do. Perhaps the beginning should be before... in seeking guidance, and confessing our need. At least that's where it is for me... today.