So yesterday was Palm Sunday. It was also an emotional rollercoaster for me. Ugh.
I'd actually been feeling fairly fine about the whole Lenten season thing - even though I didn't really get into it all too much. I did, however, secretly put on a yellow t-shirt underneath my long sleeve shirt for church yesterday... you know, because "I know" how this thing turns out (I don't think I've ever done that before).
Even when we got the text messages shortly after waking up, wondering if we could both help with communion and one of us could handle the prayer time, I was okay with it.
It was during and after the morning worship service that things took a little turn. First off, after telling him not to do this very thing, the pastor made a pulpit announcement urging people to sign up to help work the parking lot for Tincaps games. At the time it didn't bother me... until the end of the service and I saw that it resulted in EXACTLY what I told him it would result in... because it ALWAYS results in this: someone who has no business working the parking lot, and in all likelihood will not even show up, signed up to work the next game! And I'm not going to get into details here, but the people who make this the most difficult are the people who are trying to help -- BUT WHO REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME -- and it's frustrating!!
To top things off, as soon as the service was over, we were also approached by another person who was asking us to be involved in some plan of hers to help the pastor by sharing the load of some of his duties. For starters, while it was a nice gesture, it was nothing but a nitwit idea that I'm positive was thought up by someone who has absolutely ZERO experience with such things! I didn't respond at all, I let her tell us we could think about it, but I'm sure the look on my face told her how stupid I thought the idea was. What made it even worse is that I have tried to connect with the pastor several times already because supposedly he wanted my help in making some of these decisions. So I don't know if he doesn't know about this ladies plan, or if he is just saying "yes" to anyone and everyone in hopes of finding someone to help. I can sympathize, but I also think it's this sort of chaotic thinking/organization that has led to things being like they are.
And... to top things off... when I was leaving I glanced at the sign-up sheet for the parking lot, and someone had written "Vote for Tim Smith" in big letters across the top of it (Tim Smith is running for mayor of Fort Wayne, and I am not a fan). I had a pretty good idea who it was, and sure enough, here he came with a sign taped to the back of his army jacket with the same message. I said, "Joe, are you the one who wrote that on the sign-up sheet?" He was all giddy and happy and proud of himself. I simply said, "Don't do that anymore." Then he started going off about how great TS was, and how terrible the current mayor is... and I finally lost it and said, "I wouldn't vote for Tim Smith if he was the only person running!" It was not a proud moment and I'm sure several people around us heard the exchange. I'd had it though.
Everything kind of rolled together and I found myself ready to burst. I'd had it with the chaos, the idiots, the loudmouths, the total lack of concern by anyone for any semblance of order or worship or the making of disciples or helping people get 'better' or..... Yeah... then I realized I was just like the Pharisees. While everyone was all excited about Palm Sunday (or something), I was upset that things weren't "just so." I just wanted to bury my head in my hands.
We had the granddaughter with us all afternoon so I just kept things to myself mostly - which is not usually a good thing for me (though it probably is for everyone around me). Later in the evening, when my 8-o'clock bedtime came and went, I even said to Jane that while I was tired I didn't want to go to bed because I didn't want the next day to come. I didn't want to go to work (because it frustrates me), and I didn't want to deal with the church stuff.
Why does there have to be "church stuff" to deal with anyway? I know... I know the answer. But I don't want to have to go through all the crap of leaving a church, and trying to find another one, and having to answer to the kids and grandkids and anyone else who might feign concern. Plus I'm not all that sure we even COULD find another church to be part of. My frustration had gotten to the point, and the chaos so great, that I couldn't ever foresee anything good coming out of it. It seemed a hill too high to climb.
I finally did go to bed (around 9 pm). Then I tossed. And turned. And tossed and turned some more. And looked at the clock until well past midnight. 3:50 am was going to come mighty early.
However, during my snit of snooze-less sumersaults, I did a lot of talking to God. I confessed my anger and discouragement. I wondered to Him whether this was the result of me wanting to "do" something for myself, or the Holy Spirit convicting me it was time to put my organizational/administrative gifts and skills to use? I prayed "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want" over and over and over... And... oddly enough, my mind started whirring with ideas... yet my heart began to settle. I felt a peace, and soon sleep came...
I anticipated a long, tired morning at work, but when I arrived at 4:45 a.m. I was full of energy. I got the opening procedures done, and went to work on a list of things to do. By 6 a.m. I almost had my list complete. Unfortunately - or maybe "fortunately" - Monday is the pastor's day off, so I didn't talk to him. But I felt like I made some positive strides. And, better yet, I felt better about things. Dare I say even "hopeful."
So, in the end, I did many a face-palm this Palm Sunday. While some of my indignation may have been warranted, most of it was embarrassingly petty. Such is my life. I honestly don't know what this week holds. Which puts me in pretty good company with the original disciples, I suppose.
I guess we'll have to go into Easter Sunday playing it by ear...
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