Sad

I am sad. There, I said it! Maybe a little lonely too.

I've been off work and self-isolating at home for about 2 1/2 weeks now. While it's true that I kind of like part of it - sleeping in, easing into the day, reading a lot, no expectations - it's also starting to wear on me.

I'm kind of tired of trying to be productive and...

Last night I was sitting in my recliner in the basement and I started to get mad. I thought about that. What was I so mad about? I'd just watched a couple movies with m'Lady, I was listening to Dave Matthews do a live stream concert from his house, what was my problem? I think it was the isolation; not seeing people or hearing from people.

This morning it dawned on me that I am simply sad. And I don't want pity, or 'cheered up' or anything like that. I am hoping, and I think, that by merely naming what I'm feeling, and writing it out, it will help me avoid the anger.

One of my biggest fears and frustrations, that I don't talk about much, is being ignored. That can hit me whether it is physical absence, emotional distance, patronizing comments, or just downright... ignoring me. I mean, it's like I am afraid of being alone, but I also love to be alone. I'd say it has more to do with a fear of abandonment. It's not that I'm afraid of being alone, but of being left alone. I'm sure there are some control issues dappled in their as well.

Anyway, I suppose this is confounded because I am paradoxically extroverted as well as introverted. There are times I NEED to be alone, and just as many times I NEED to be around others. Some people say I am wrong, or call me crazy, but I know of others who feel the say way, and we know each other. Of course, being how we are means we also don't talk about it or hang out together. :)

So... here I am. This did help a little... this stream-of-conscious posting. I am simply sad. That's how this covid-19 pandemic is affecting me at this time. It will pass, and probably come around again. I am ready for this to all be over, but I honestly don't know how it's going to end. If it will.

Peace out, friends; and in.