Resentment, humility, little girls, and books

Yesterday would have been my dad's 89th birthday. The first one where he wasn't physically with us. You're probably wondering what that has to do with the sprawling title above. Well, pull up a log, partner, and let me tell you a story...

I never got along with my dad. At least not as far as I can remember. Sure, when I was young we played catch, and wrestled, and I suppose I sat on his lap on occasion while watching the Lakers or Lawrence Welk on the black and white TV in the corner of the living room. But I don't recall ever having a conversation with him. You know, where we talked each other. He was always talking at me. Either telling me what I did wrong, trying to teach me how to hunt, or sharing some bit of information I couldn't give two diddles about. I'm sure that's how it was for a lot of kids who grew up in that era. Shoot, my kids would likely say the same about me. The problem was, neither one of us ever changed. I never matured, and he never seemed to understand that I wasn't a child anymore.

Of course there is more to the story (including him being the principal and all), but as you might guess, this contributed to how I developed as an adult. I was never listened to or 'heard,' and I became resentful not only of authority figures, but anyone who wouldn't take the time to at least try to understand me (and why I am so loyal to the few people who do). It's why it drives me crazy even today with feelings of alienation at work when I'm disregarded and ignored! Instead of maturing, I've continued to let it eat away at me and build up to the point where I feel like now I'm constantly waiting for someone to say just the right thing so I can unload it all over them with a barrel full of expletives!!

I've been thinking about this the past couple days. Why am I so resentful? Where does it come from? And what can I do about it? 

Well, this morning I read N.T. Wright's 'Matthew for Everyone' commentary on Matthew18:1-7. I love his paraphrase of the text:

At that time the disciples came to Jesus.

'So, then,' they said, 'who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?'

Jesus called a child and stood her in the middle of them.

'I'm telling you the truth,' he said. 'Unless you turn inside out and become like children, you will never, ever, get into the kingdom of heaven. So if any of you make yourselves humble like this child, you will be great in the kingdom of heaven. And if anyone welcomes one such child in my name, they welcome me.'

'Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to trip up,' he went on, 'it would be better for them to have a huge millstone hung around their neck and be drowned far out in the deep seas. It's a terrible thing for the world that people will be made to stumble. Obstacles are bound to appear and trip people up, but it will be terrible for the person who makes them come.'

I tell you what, my friend, this hit me like a ton of bricks! Just reading the text... but then even moreso Wright's comments.

He talks of the difference between children living in poverty and the rich and spoiled of the world, then says this:

What we do with our children - and what we do to them - is a worryingly accurate indication of what we think about the world, God and ourselves. To many adults, children are just a nuisance. But the point is that they're a nuisance (if they are) because they matter. They disturb our organized adult world because they are real people. If they were toys or machines we could put them away in a cupboard. But we can't. They have their own dignity, their own questions, their own future, their own unique identity.

Wright points out that the language this was written in only had one word for children - neither masculine nor feminine - because children weren't considered 'he' or 'she,' but an 'it.' So he guessed the 'it' Jesus would have used to be a little girl, as he says, "not least because a girl would make with special clarity the point Jesus was wanting to get into the disciples' minds: that the weakest, most vulnerable, least significant human being you can think of is the clearest possible signpost to what the kingdom of God will be like. God's kingdom - the future time when 'heaven' rules on earth - won't be about the survival of the fittest. It won't be the result of some long evolutionary process in which the strongest, the fastest, the loudest, the angriest people get to the front ahead of everyone else....... Jesus tosses all that out of the window, and instead calls out a little child: shy, vulnerable, unsure of herself, but trusting with clear eyes, ready to listen, to be loved and to love, to learn and grow. This is what true greatness is like, he says. Go and learn about it."

Holy cow! I don't know what that does to you, but in my mind that is some powerful stuff!! He goes on...

"...humility is what counts in God's kingdom, because pride and arrogance are the things which, more than anything else in God's world, distort and ultimately destroy human lives - their own, and those of the people they affect."

Then Jesus gives just as powerful of a warning against those who take advantage and exploit these 'little ones.' He suggests a far sterner punishment than he ever said about such sins as murder, adultery, or theft. They were harsh words to address a harsh reality. Wright ends with this sentence:

"Learning about God's kingdom means facing the real evils of the world and realizing that God hates them far more than we do."

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So much could be said about all of this. I'm sure others are way more capable. Here are some things it triggered in me though:

• Humility=maturity. Humility, for me, is coming to the place where I can speak up in a mature manner. It is overcoming my timidity, and the tendency to draw within myself, and be able to have conversations without sarcasm or other coping mechanisms. It is admitting when my feelings are hurt, or when something doesn't seem right to me, but without getting defensive and letting it stew into resentment. It's the innocence of a child without the rebelliousness of a teen.
  
• I don't know why, but this really kind of broke my heart for children and other vulnerable people (sorry for the sappy wordage, I couldn't think of any other way to say it). Honestly, I don't have much respect for anyone anymore, and I don't like that about myself. This was a real "warmed my heart" moment for some reason. And it's something that I have the opportunity to do - at least with vulnerable people, maybe more than children. I can change (I think).
• Immediately after reading this I opened up my weekly 'Gravity Leadership' email links, and they talk about the difference between thinking the current polarization in the world is "more of a problem than the power structures that are actually causing real harm to human bodies. Racism, for example." They say, "The politics of Jesus is thus not just to make everyone 'get along,' it is to stand in material, bodily solidarity with the marginalized and oppressed, and let the 'polarization' chips fall where they may." Anyway, all that to say, they suggested two helpful books:
• How to Have an Enemy: Righteous Anger and the Work of Peace, by Melissa Florer-Bixler
• ​Scandalous Witness: A Little Political Manifesto for Christians, by Lee C. Camp

 

So, there ya go. Lots of stuff. Maybe my anger is not wrong, but more misplaced. And there's gotta be a better way to deal with it... I hope.

***

 Exodus 36:26-28
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.