Everyday, making a way

The worst part of my day is either the first hour I'm awake, or the last hour at work. Those are probably not my best times to be around people.

The first hour probably depends largely on how much I've had to drink, how much sleep I got, and what condition my workplace is in when I arrive. During the week my alarm goes off at 3:50AM. I often wake up just a few minutes before it goes off. I NEVER hit the snooze. If I've drank too much or gotten less than 6 hours of sleep (though ideally I like 8 hours), I can be a bit out of it and have a hard time dealing with... anything, really. If I arrive at work (4:45AM) and the place is in disarray, hasn't been cleaned, or I'm simply in an anti-establishment mood... you really don't want to be around me. Otherwise, though, that can also be one of my BEST hours of the day (sober, somber, and satisfied). 

The last hour of my workday is consistently when I am the most tired and frazzled. I either work too hard, or I am too bored, and both leave me equally hard to get along with. I basically work a job with no supervision. We have multiple bosses - none of whom are on site - which also kind of means we have NO boss. At least no supervision. That's okay by me, but it makes it difficult when my three co-workers are all in their early twenties.... and I have no authority to tell any of them what they can and cannot do. It works out that basically only two of us actually do anything, and while the one tries really hard (and I consider her a great employee), because of my age and experience, I tend to carry the most responsibility. Considering our two immediate supervisors are brand new, and the director over us all has no clue, there's really no one to even complain to or about. And that's only the HALF OF IT. It is also not only a physically demanding job at times (I do the bulk of the cleaning), but is emotionally draining for me as an introvert in that I have to be "on" at all times!

Anyway, I say all that as part apology (sorry Carrie) for those who have to deal with my towards the end of my workday. Fortunately I am learning not to send emails for the first 3-4 hours of work (so I can temper them somewhat). It's also part lament. I totally understand why no one wants to be around me. I am a grump. Every day I set out to NOT be a grump.... but inevitably it gets the best of me. I wouldn't want to be around me either, most of the time. But sometimes... I mean, really, honestly, sometimes I can still be okay. Those times are just so few and far between, it seems.

So, I say all that to say.... I've been thinking about a sharper focus for this blog. Actually, for some time now, I've been trying to make it more focused. That has kind of resulted in me just not blogging at all. But what I would like to do is take this "everyday" a bit further. Something like... these are my everyday attempts at making it through the day... Or, everyday, making my way.

Honestly, I've been depressed lately. I don't think it's chemical at all. It's because my life sucks. Read Yohan whats-his-names book. I'm just not in a good place. Every day I go to work I envision yet another scenario of how I'm going to quit (yeah, that's not healthy, but true). Every day I regret where I am and what I do. Every day I wish things were different. Yet, there are very few days where I have hope.

Some time ago I decided maybe it was time for this blog to have a purpose. Something that would be useful not only for me, but others as well. It was shortly after I changed from 'Every Day' to Everyday.' I came up with some possible tag lines like:

Seeking the magic in the everyday moments/events/happenings of life

Looking for the magic in the ordinary

The magic of ordinary moments

Seeking the spiritual in the everyday ordinary

The spiritual side of everyday ordinary

Seeing the spiritual in the everyday ordinary

Seeing the spiritual side of life

Ordinary moments; extraordinary life

Finding the magic in the mundane

Yeah, most of those sound totally stupid right now. But "making my way," or "making a way" sound more plausible. I mean, it's like every day is a chore just to get through. These are my thoughts (or even someone elses) on how I made it through TODAY. 

Like I said earlier, every single day is a 50/50 crap shoot as to whether I will finish the day with a job or not. Sometimes it's even a bit more serious. Yet, every day I seem to make it through. Somehow I find my way.

The good news for this day? I'm still on my streak of running every day. I've only run like four days per week for several years. Since early November I've been doing between 1-4 miles each day. Interestingly enough, I can feel the difference in my legs. Today I actually ran my fastest mile, km, and 5k since getting my current watch in April of this year. I ran an 8:36 mile, 5:09 km, and 28:10 5k. The weird thing was, I wasn't even trying! It was just a nice day and I felt pretty good! So that's what I'm holding onto today. That's how I made my way on this day. 

And... that's where I'm at. We'll see where it goes tomorrow.

[Note: I'm not even going to proofread. I'm just posting without reading it through again. As much as I hate that. Why not?]

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1 Corinthians 13:12

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"