(i forgot the title)

I'm still here. It's just been a peculiar week.

I've had a lot on my mind; I've been trying to deep-clean the house; constantly working on the yard; feeling a little less-than-stellar emotionally; and... I don't know... sort of not knowing what to say or feeling up to saying anything.

This morning I met with a friend and he asked how I was doing. At first I said "fine," but after a pause I finally admitted - not so great. I've been struggling with self-worth. There have been a couple instances lately where someone says, "So what do you do?" Of course they're wondering what I do for a living, how do I make money, what's my occupation... that sort of thing. Last night someone asked and I just said: "nothing." They gave me a high-five. That was nice and all but... it didn't really help.

My friend this morning said, "Dude, I think of you as a life-long learner; you're the person who takes the time to think about things, to contemplate, to wonder, to wrestle with the deep truths that so many take for granted." I appreciated that he saw that in me. That is kind of how I see myself. Still, in a world where worth is measured by a resume and paycheck, it's tempting to not think my lack of income equals lack of value. Plus, sometimes I wonder if I'm just missing the point entirely and I'm really nothing more than a lazy fool.

So... I've been thinking about that.

Also, one morning I jotted down some ideas for a series of posts that seemed to have a direction to them:

• Single-issue voters (do you feel like a sucker yet?)
• "Adults these days" (integrity)
• Living in a wisdom-less world (how did we get here?)
  
• Deadly sins vs. life-giving virtues (values)
  

I keep meaning to write on each of those - because they all seem connected, yet they require thoughts all their own - but every time I start... my mind slowly fades to black. You know how your gaze will drop and pretty soon you find yourself just staring into space? It's not quite hopelessness, or despair, or lethargy... but there's a little of each in the cup.

Do I want to drink this or not? I don't know.

I don't know.

In the meantime, I think I will occupy myself with more chores. Today I'm tackling the basement. And... for some reason, I have a hankering to pick up a guitar again.

. . .