Try softer - pt. 1

I read Aundi Kolber's helpful book 'Try Softer' a couple weeks ago. It was good. It's one of those that I want to re-visit, and I'm going to start by just listing some of the parts I highlighted and maybe offer a bit of expression with them underneath.

Pt. 1 covers the first section of the book "The Process of Becoming" (chapters 1-5) 

P.6 - "What's happened in your life matters."

She wanted this emphasized at the beginning, and I think it's important. Regardless of how you or I may feel, our lives DO matter! I know I need to say that to myself from time to time. Maybe you need to hear it too: What has happened in your life matters; and you matter!

P.16 - Psalm 56:8 (NLT) "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

Such a beautiful picture.

 P.28ff - Understanding how the three parts of the brain work: Brain Stem - asks "Am I safe?" and connects brain to information provided by the body; Limbic System - asks "Am I loved? Is this good or bad? and assigns meaning to emotions... coordinates with brain stem to assess danger; Prefrontal Cortex - asks "Can I learn? Can I problem-solve? Can I regulate? Can I empathize?" and facilitates higher-level learning. 

This is important, and helps us understand why we do what we do sometimes (Why we reacted well, or poorly, at different times).

P.32ff - "Big T and little t trauma... Hyperarousal vs hypoarousal... fight/flight/fawn/freeze, etc.

The previous two sections in chapter 2 were quite enlightening. I was vaguely familiar with some of the terms, and she does a good job explaining them.

Chapter 3 has quite a bit... P.51ff - The Strange Situation Experiment... Classifications for attachment (secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized... **P.61 "I didn't realize then that our wounds often surface only when at last we feel physically or emotionally safe."**

Yeah, this was a lot for me. Not as in "too much to take in," but more "Aha! So that's why..." Good and helpful stuff.

P.72ff - Window of Tolerance (WOT)... I need to go over this again because it comes up a lot.

P.80 - "If you grew up without a secure attachment, you may not feel you can reach out for help when scared -- this is a clue that your experiences have made your WOT smaller."

P.84 - Psalm 139:3-5 (TPT) "You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I'm about to speak before I even start a sentence! You know every step I will take before my journey even begins. You've gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. With your hand of love upon my life, you impart a blessing to me."

P.88 - "Research shows that taking longer to exhale than to inhale signals to our nervous systems that we are safe, stimulating the vagus nerve. Both help us stay in our WOT."

I loved that version of Psalm 139. And the quote from p.88 on 'Breath Prayer' is actually something I use when running. I always breathe out more than in (either 3 out and 2 in, or 4 and 3). And... this chapter along with the previous really helped me become aware of some issues I've had back to my birth (and time in the hospital as a newborn) and resulting lack of security. It was pretty helpful.

 P.91 - "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm." (unknown author)***

P.106-112 on Attentional Control, Grounding Exercises, and Boundaries Script...  

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There is so much good stuff in this first section, and I really should read the whole thing again. It's almost like reading the bible in that, even though I was somewhat familiar with most of it, there was still so much I learned going through it again. Even since I've been done reading the book, I've forgotten just how much I uncovered about myself from clear back in early childhood and how that still frames my behavior. 

Next up I will at least start on Section 2 of the book: "Practices to Try Softer"...