Try softer - pt. 3 (emotions)

Back to my highlights from Aundi Kolber's fabulous book 'Try Softer.'  In Part 1 of this series I shared from the first section of the book on the Process of Becoming; Part 2 started in on the second section detailing Practices for trying softer. Today I want to continue with that, and my focus is strictly chapter 8: Try Softer With Your Emotions.

I found this particularly helpful for me, beginning with the opening quote from Brené Brown (p.163):

"Most of us were not taught how to recognize pain, name it, and be with it. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain."

This was true for me, and, likely, so many who grew up in the same culture I did where the "stiff upper lip" was expected. Emotion of any kind was bad, unless it was the faux elation of social gatherings. Just look "proper," you know...

Also helpful is being aware of the clinical distinction between our emotions and our feelings: "The sensations and nervous system states that we experience in our bodies = Emotions; The names we give those expressions = Feelings." (p.170)

On. p.172 Kolber shares the above chart. Psychologist Paul Ekman identified six emotions he said are shared by people in every culture (some say seven, but, whatever). This list starts with those basic emotions and then provides many more gradations. Though it is not complete, she says referring to this chart can help us identify our emotions; and this is important because: "Research shows that naming your emotion may calm your limbic system and support the integration of your brain" (my interpretation of that is: it helps us think more clearly/maturely with ALL of our brain, rather than just the reactionary part).

So, for example, say you find yourself in a bad mood. The idea is to pause and think about that. Not only what has caused you to be in a bad mood, but what are you really feeling? Let's say you determine you're angry. What kind of anger? Well (looks down list under "anger")... actually you're feeling "frustrated." As you sit with that awhile and address the source of your frustration, you can begin to process and work through it, rather than letting your foul mood simply ruin the rest of your afternoon.

I don't know about you, but I have done this several times since reading the book (and there were likely other times I should have), and I found it amazing the insight I gained and the RELIEF it provided. Kolber quotes Peter Scazzero in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (p.169),

"To feel is to be human. To minimize or deny what we feel is a distortion of what it means to be image bearers of our personal God. To the degree that we are unable to express our emotions, we remain impaired in our ability to love God, others, and ourselves well."

Also in this chapter (p. 176-178) she discusses how those who have had difficulty living from a place of emotional health typically experience either hyperarousal (overwhelm) or hypoarousal (disconnect).

Towards the end she includes practices to help us strengthen our emotional muscles by incorporating these principles for better emotional health:

1. Name the experience (see the chart)
2. Ride the wave (emotions are like waves - they form, rise to a peak, then decrease)
3. Practice containment (grounding and containment exercises from pp. 111 & 87)
4. Employ curiosity ("Hmm... I wonder why I had such a big reaction to that..." - or whatever)
5. Speak grounding statements: I am safe. I can make choices. I am capable. I am lovable. I am valuable. I am in process. I can set boundaries. (in other words, we have feelings, but we are not our feelings)
   

 And, like that's not enough, at the very end of the chapter are exercises for addressing an overwhelmed rhythm (for those who overidentify with emotions), and addressing a disconnect (for those who feel disconnected from their emotions). 

Like I said, this was an important chapter for me in that I found it quite helpful. This was stuff I needed! 

Hopefully tomorrow we can wrap up the last two chapters and move on. :)