Try softer - pt. 4 (final chapters and summary)

Okay... we've been through Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of Aundi Kolber's fine book 'Try Softer,' and today I think we can finally wrap up with my personal highlights from chapters 9 & 10.

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all;

he has compassion on all he has made."

Psalm 145:8-9 seems an appropriate way to begin chapter 9 on 'Trying Softer With Our Inner Critic.' 

P.191 - There is a big difference between healthy guilt and shame. Guilt = I did something bad; Shame = I am bad.

P.192 - Powerful quote from Peggy O'Mara: ***"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."*** (Wowza!)

P.193 - "Trying softer isn't about knowing or doing the right thing; it's about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can't hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward growth."

P. 194 - "...compassion is different from empathy in that empathy is feeling with someone else, whereas compassion means to suffer with someone and then allow ourselves to be moved by that pain so we are motivated into action" (this may be from Kristin Neff).

P. 201- (after the section on 'undoing self-hate,' and 'a kind, good God') "Perhaps this will be your faith walk throughout your lifetime -- to gently step toward the truth of who you are in Him."

I found the first exercise at the end of this chapter on p. 204, Speak Compassionately to Yourself, to be helpful:

1. Place your hand on your heart, allow yourself to inhale and exhale, and simply notice what this feels like.
2. Next say these words to yourself:
1. I am experiencing pain (observe your emotion mindfully without judging it)
2. I am not alone (Remember that we are all surrounded by many others who have suffered or who are suffering)
3. May I be gentle with myself (God is deeply kind and compassionate with us, so we can be the same with ourselves too)  

 

The final chapter, 10, is on Trying Softer with Resilience; and begins with Jesus's words in John 10:10: 

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 

P. 213-214 - "Trying softer is not a destination but a way to journey through life. And it's in the trying, in the moving forward -- sometimes slowly and haltingly -- that we develop resilience. Brokenness and disappointment are inevitable; resilience is a way to pick ourselves up and fight another day."

P.214 - I love the list of "Try Softer Language": -What is the gentlest thing I could do today? -What words or affirmations remind me of my true self? -I wonder if I could take this in smaller steps? -What would help me stay in my WOT (window of tolerance)? -What kind of support do I need to make this happen? -Whom could I reach out to if I'm feeling overwhelmed? -How could I help my body feel safe right now? -What part of myself needs support right now? -What activity would be soothing for me when I'm feeling triggered? -Is there a way I could move my body to help me feel more connected to myself?

P.217 - a few practices that can improve our vagal tone (the vagus nerve is the longest cranial nerve in the body that runs from our brains down to major organs like the heart, lungs, intestines, and stomach; and is part of our physiology that enables us to stay in our WOT... A healthy vagal tone is the physiological reason behind learning to tolerate - or even enjoy - experiences that were once overwhelming to our bodies... this is how our WOT expands...): 

• Humming or singing
• Shaking out any part of the body that feels tense or needs additional activation
• Mind/body exercises such as yoga or loving-kindness meditation (p.206)
• Mind/body therapy (see practices on pp.137-139)
• Driver's Response: You can replicate this by splashing cold water on your face while holding your breath. There is strong evidence to show that this practice stimulates the vagus nerve.
• Conscious Breathing: See the breath prayer on p.88

 

* * * * *

 This ends my personal highlights from reading therapist and author Aundi Kolber's book 'Try Softer.' I found it a fairly easy read for those wanting to escape the "try harder" approach to getting through life, and towards a more compassionate way of being ... "human" ... in this crazy, mixed up world we now live in. And, to be honest, I actually appreciated this ai summary of the book:

"In Try Softer, counselor Aundi Kolber invites readers to release the pressure of striving and embrace a gentler path toward healing. Drawing on faith, psychology, and practical tools, she shows how paying compassionate attention to our bodies and emotions can free us from cycles of overwhelm and help us live with greater wholeness, resilience, and connection to God and others."

 

And... that's all for that. I got this book as part of our church's Mental Health Initiative this year, and appreciate what it offered in that regard.

Coming up I hope to share some thoughts on 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running' by Haruki Murakami (which I read after Try Softer), as well as the book I'm currently reading, 'The Shape of Joy,' by Richard Beck... among other things. :)