Monday, February 16, 2026

Make sense of your story (but not alone) - the end

We did it! We have finally made it to my final post on Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

Today we will cover my highlights from the final chapter... chapter 13: "What If You Didn't Have to Do This Alone?" 

p. 241 - "A story that has not been shared communally is a story that has you bound in shame." (Dan Allender)

"Neuroscientist Stephen Porges asserts that 'connection is a biological imperative.' His point is that if you don't have sufficient connection with other human beings, you will become a little bit less alive each day." 

p. 242 - "It's important to understand that you cannot adequately engage your story alone. Sitting in your favorite chair with a journal, a Bible, a cup of coffee, and a good view out your window is not sufficient to heal your wounds." (ouch!)

p. 243 - "Moreover, adding God to the mix is also insufficient. You cannot engage your story merely with God's help and God's presence. Why? Because you were made to need other people. Again, this is God's fault. It's the natural by-product of being created in the image of The Relationship." ... "God made our brains and nervous systems to need one another. And this is particularly true when it comes to healing from wounds."

"The resurrected Christ is alive on planet Earth -- living in and through other human beings."

*****"Here's the really good news: when your nervous system is sufficiently supported by another settled, wise nervous system (another human being offering witness and presence), then your nervous system will heal."

"In neurobiological terms, healing equals neural integration." 

*****"Your wounds will heal naturally when the environment is right. The right environment for healing is the empathetic presence of another person."

p. 244 - "The opposite of trauma is not 'no trauma.' The opposite of trauma is connection." 

p. 244-247 In response to: Do I really need to share my story with another person?...

"First, in order to heal, you need to experience what is called limbic resonance. This is a fancy way of saying that your brain needs to experience someone attuning to you and empathizing with your big emotions (feeling felt)."

"Second, in order to heal, you need to feel your unfelt feelings from the past, and you can't feel these by yourself (because these feelings are inherently dysregulating)."

"A third reason you need another human being to experience healing is that healing requires the accurate co-construction of your autobiographical narrative. In other words, your story needs to make sense to you. This inevitably requires the outside perspective of another person. ...each character's dignity and depravity must be clearly articulated..."

p. 247 - "The process of reflecting on your story, sharing your story with another person, and hearing that person's reaction to your story connects neural networks that were previously separated."

p. 248 - "The single most important key to healing is connecting. Connecting with another person's attuned presence, connecting with your physical body from the neck down, connecting neural networks in your brain that are separated from one another, connecting with God." 

p. 249 - *****(The Village) "In Francis Weller's book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, he points out that most modern people are 'waiting for the village to appear.' The 'village' refers to a few other people who have these characteristics:

  1. They care deeply about your growth, maturation, and healing.
  2. They are more mature than you and stronger than you (they've done their own work of healing and transformation).
  3. They are eager to respond to you by providing comfort, care, and guidance.
  4. They are willing to make themselves available to you when you need them.

p. 250 - ***** "The village is another way of speaking about elders. Most modern cultures lack elders. And 'elder' is simply someone who knows how to handle their power. Elders are warrior kings and queens who know that (a) they have power, and (b) their power is intended to be used on behalf of the community, particularly on behalf of the wounded."***** 


Final thoughts:

Young acknowledges at the end that "this book is NOT the definitive word on the subject, but it is an offering of goodness." He also says the "someone else" we share with does not necessarily need to be a trained counselor, and that all trained counselors are not necessarily even qualified (or the same). He does offer some suggestions at the end of the book on who to look for.

He ends the book with these three paragraphs:

Good books are full of good information. The dilemma is that information does not change the human heart. What changes the human heart is engaging your story -- with kindness and with others. 

Let me say that again: what changes the human heart is engaging your story . . . with kindness . . . and with others.

Engaging your story is not going to make all your pain go away. However, it will lead to genuine healing. And, more importantly, engaging your story will bring rest to your body. There is a rest in finally understanding why you are the way you are. Why you behave the way you behave. Why you feel the way you feel. There is profound rest that comes with finally understanding these things. At last, your life makes sense.

---

As I bring this to a close (at least on the blog), it actually brought a tear to my eye. Not a tear of sadness - though I'm always a bit sad when I end a good book - but it's more tears of joy. Having gone through a workshop with Adam, reading this book, and some work I've done through The Allender Center (as well as with my wife)... I do finally feel like my life is starting to make a little better sense. Imagine that! :)

So, hopefully my little offering here has been somewhat helpful... or at least not harmful.

Peace.

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