The other day I shared a post about 'moving slow.' It was sort of a lament about not having anyplace I'm moving toward; I have no direction; I seem to be passively stagnant in life. That really stuck with me over the next couple days.
There were several things that came to mind during that time:
- Active listening vs. passive living
- Being "centered"
- Fixing my eyes on Jesus
- The "wilderness"
As I contemplated what drives people's lives - things like money, success, providing for family, etc. - I began to wonder what it is that drives me. Nothing really came to mind. I couldn't care less about money; I am not in a position where I 'need' to provide for or be responsible for anyone, and I have no clue what success really is. So I wondered, what is it that even concerns me. I felt sort of stupid as it suddenly dawned on me... being a child of God; a servant of the Savior; a participant in kingdom living. I AM a believer in the God who created, and continues to create in and through his Creation, and who has called me to be actively engaged in Life (even "life to the full" Jn. 10:10).
Continuing into the day Sunday, I went to church by myself (as Jane was in Colorado), and the sermon was a direct hit on my soul. The message was from Hebrews 12:1-15. Just let me drop that in here:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.A ton of bricks hit me that my feeling of "lostness" was due largely to my lack of 'center,' or 'focus,' or a 'relationship with Jesus.' I've always had a bit of trouble understanding what people mean by a "relationship with Jesus," but suddenly it made sense. Not having one, I recognized just how far I'd moved from him. I no longer sensed his presence in my life; he was not much of a consideration in my decisions and choices; there actually was no 'Center' in my life... it was just sort of... "there"... somewhere...
4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
So, as I'm thinking about this need to 'fix my eyes on Jesus'... I then come to this devotional at sacredspace.ie. It's a lenten exercise on what it means to journey into the wilderness with God. As they share on their site:
Lent recalls the forty days that the gospels tell us Jesus spent in the wilderness, immediately before he began his public preaching. He spent his time there praying and fasting, but it was also for him a place of overcoming temptation. The wilderness was a place he would return to later on, when he was in need of rest and quiet. There is also a long tradition in scripture of seeing the wilderness as a place to meet God, away from the distractions of everyday life. In this retreat you are invited to find a place, a time, when you can free yourself from distractions, meet God, and rest in his presence.It occurred to me that I don't have to wander aimlessly. Just because I don't feel like I'm heading in any particular direction doesn't necessarily mean I am lost. It might mean I am right where I need to be...
Part of the Sunday sermon was on the definition of sin as "to be without a share in." In other words, sin is what keeps us from sharing in the fullness of everthing God is offering us. Sin is "settling" which is what I've been doing. And, maybe, just maybe, the difference is simply a matter of perspective. Rather than thinking of it as though God has left me here all alone in the middle of this great big crazy world... what if he has placed me (and you) RIGHT SMACK IN THE CENTER OF IT... as his dearly beloved children, teaching us, guiding us, being with us, through thick and thin, and loving us to the very end?
What if I simply started to be more mindful of His presence in my daily life? What if I/we woke up each day asking, "God, what would you like to show me today?" What if our eyes were fixed on Jesus - the Author and Perfector of life!?
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Well, those are just some of the things sloshing around in my brain. It's a little disjointed... but what if???
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