Random thoughts #466 (taking a backseat)

Hopefully no one is actually keeping track of the number of my 'random thoughts' posts. If you are, then you officially have less of a life than me. Anyway, here are some things currently on my mind...

SEATS
The pic is of the back seat out of my Ford Escape. This is the vehicle I use to drive for Uber. I'd read about this "miracle Do-It-Yourself cleaner" and thought I would give it a try. The cloth seats had a few spots from spillage and normal wear and tear, so I mixed up the vinegar, club soda, and Dawn dishwashing soap, sprayed it on, and it seemed to work pretty good. Unfortunately, several days later and there is still a fairly strong vinegar odor in the car. Not enough to make me sick, but so much so that I wouldn't want to pick up any Uber riders and risk poor ratings. So, after trying several different methods to remove the stench, I finally just removed the seats and washed the covers out in the shower. Hopefully this will help.

SPEAKING OF BACK SEATS...
This seems to be how my life has been going for some time now. I keep hoping for a "win" of some sort, but I continue losing instead. My confidence sinks lower, my countenance more somber, and it's getting harder and harder to keep the chin up. Something needs to change... but I'm tired. I've been telling myself to just sit back and lay low; walk humbly and not try to force anything. Folding towels at the Y seems to be one of my biggest joys lately - because I can actually do that! Yet I am inevitably reminded of how far I've fallen and disappointment stairs me down again and again. So... I trudge on. Slowly.

WORK
Part of my problem is work. And, please understand, I am aware ALL of my problem is of my own doing. It's no one else's fault. Much of it is contained within my own mind even. However, work has me worn down a bit at the moment. The Y does not pay well. I could make more money flipping burgers at McDonalds. It does afford me a place to go and interact with people without having to risk too much thinking or getting outside myself though. I am, however, a tad worn down from the schedule. We are presently short-handed, so I've been trying to help out as much as I can. Yet, as the "morning guy," it seems I'm having to work a lot of closing shifts. So, while I still only get 30-some hours a week, an example of my shedule is: tonight I work from 4-8 pm; tomorrow I work 5 am to 1 pm, then come back and work 5-8 pm; then Friday it's 5-9 AM again. If I can get the smell out of my car I will then add some hours of driving in there where I can. I can't complain about the number of hours, or even the difficulty of the work, but it is not overly inspiring, and most of the time I feel like a zombie walking around.

A 'THING'
Yesterday someone was telling me about when they took a Toastmasters class. I actually think what they were doing was trying to suggest I needed to do something to make myself more.... I don't know..... interesting. I've sensed myself crawling into a shell, and this conversation seemed to confirm others saw it too. So, I started looking into Toastmasters, or an Udemy course on public speaking or writing or something.

To be honest, a Toastmasters meeting scares me to death. I cannot imagine walking into a roomful of people and speaking in front of them. I don't understand how I used to do it on such a regular basis. So maybe an Udemy course...

I think the thing is, though, I need a "thing." I need to find something I can DO again. I don't feel like I can write or speak anymore; I'm struggling as a runner and my left foot has been bothering me; I simply don't have the chops or understanding to play the guitar (and haven't done so, basically since I stopped pastoring). I don't like to cook, sew, work on cars, or anything of the like. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or interests of any kind. I just go to work, come home and watch 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy,' and then go to bed. I don't think playing 'Yahtzee' on my phone counts for anything.

THE CARWASH
I suppose this is pretty sad, but if I'm honest, my biggest joy in life at the moment is pulling into the carwash. Since I'm a "club" member, I get to use a special entrance. So I can drive right past everyone who has to pay, and there's this little part of me that feels just a little superior as I do. I know it's not right, but that's my little power trip. Ugh. It looks worse as printed words...

CONSOLATION
Before anyone starts to feel too bad for me, please understand this is actually part of my "fix." Regardless of how good or bad this blog is, it has always been a place for me to write out my inner issues and that is often impetus enough to help me move forward. Yes, this spot may require more help - and I'm still looking in that direction - but just so everyone knows: I don't write these things to garner pitty, but to process my "stuff."

Things I take away from this dose of drivel:

• I'd like to stop drinking again, and maybe deactivate my Facebook account for awhile (FB would be harder than drinking - I rely on it too much for Uber and other activities).
• Sign up for an Udemy class on public speaking or writing.
• Read a novel or some kind of fiction.

Those seem easy enough, but pretty dern daunting at the same time. Maybe just making the list is a good enough place to start. At least it's something to look at.

{Elaine to Puddy: "So you're just going to sit there and stare at the back of the seat?" Puddy: "Yeah."}

Sorts, sense and stuff

Lately I've found myself running low on sorts. You know, I've been off-kilter, unsettled, unbalanced... mentally and emotionally "out of sorts." The thing is, when my life gets like this, then it's hard for me to make sense of things, and not only do I not have any sorts, but it seems I don't have a lot of sense either (and I do stupid stuff). I don't like it.

I have always been a creature of habit. Not because I necessarily like to be like that, but because I somewhat need to be - for everyone's sake. I would love to be one of those spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants type people, but I can't seem to keep my 'stuff' together for long when I do. I need a regimented routine to keep my head on straight.

I've been trying to earn my keep lately by working two jobs; and I've been trying to regain some sense of self-respect by volunteering for too many things. Unfortunately, not only am I probably not succeeding in either case, but I feel like I am internally unraveling. I'm having a hard time remembering where I'm supposed to be and on what day, and what I'm to be doing and.... sometimes I wake up and have no idea what day it even is.

My job at the Y, while it requires nothing of me mentally, does not come with very many scheduled hours. I am able to pick up hours quite easily though, so you'd think that would be good. But when I work the closing shift one night, and then open the next morning at 5, and do that a couple times a week (plus several other shifts thrown in - between membership and wellness)... it leaves me a bit off.

On top of that, while you would think Uber driving would be easy-peasy (you just drive around, after all), it has also been confusing the issue. I have set a random goal of simply trying to make $100 a week driving, but it's not always that simple. There are times and places that are better and worse for driving, and sometimes I honestly just don't feel like talking to anyone, so it makes it hard to want to drive. Plus sometimes I'm simply exhausted from lack of sleep. Perhaps the most difficult thing, though, is once I start making money driving... it then becomes difficult to stop! It's like an addiction. It's like gambling. There have been days I've worked 8 hours at the Y, then went out and drove for another 6... because I just couldn't stop myself!

Throw in the volunteering at church - working concerts (usually late), serving food to the homeless, bible study groups, coaching meetings, etc. - and for someone who seemingly has no life -- I have to wonder how I got here. How did my life get so busy and I become so ragged? Or is it even busy? Does it just seem like it because it's all so.... random???

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I suppose it's funny, but as I sit here and type this out, it's seems quite obvious what the problem is: It's my lack of self-esteem. I'm running myself ragged not because I'm accomplishing anything, but because I'm trying to justify my existance. I can't seem to work a regular job, so I dabble in several. I feel insecure about who I am, so I try to prove I'm somebody. What has actually happened, though, is that all this striving, is leaving me out of sorts, and sense, and my 'stuff' is falling apart.

So, I think I'm going to contact my counselor and set something up. It's not like I couldn't do the things I'm doing and be a regularly functioning sort of person. I need to get a grip though. And I need someone to help me get it.

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I'm reminded of the sermon on the mount from chapter 5 in the book of Matthew. Particularly verse 3. Jesus said,

"You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."

THAT'S what I need. Less of me, and more of God. That's the sort of sense I want to make... God-willing.

Expectations

It occurred to me the other day that the source of my current frustrations has nothing to do with anyone but... me! I have let my expectations get out of hand again. This was a big point of discussion when I was in counseling in 2013, and also something I acknowledged in my 'From Burnout To Better' series. So I searched my blog for posts dealing with expectations, and here are a few blurbs I want to remind myself of.

My post 'In Search of Contentment' on 3/13/13:

My counselor told me last week that the place we are trying to arrive at is: contentment. He says it comes about through this formula: Reality/Expectations=Contentment. So, when someone is emotionally unhealthy like me, I either need to change the reality of my situation, my expectations, or both.
The goal is Philippians 4:11-13...
Ultimately everything boils down to trust in God.

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

From my 'Burnout to Better' series on 1/7/2015:

• Expectations - This was/is perhaps the most difficult modification for me. I had to learn to live with little-to-no expectations... for anyone. That included myself. A common phrase my wife used to utter when she managed a pizza place was, "It's only pizza." That's how she dealt with a teenage workforce and a mostly-idiot customer base. When something would happen, she would just say to herself, "It's only pizza." I have been saying that a lot, about a lot of things! Life is long, and most things aren't that important. Friends will fail you, most people don't care, we're all a mess, and so it goes. The same goes for me. I seriously disappointed some people, and the world didn't end. We have to get over it. It also helped to change my...

And from my 'Trying to Find Joy and Peace' post from 5/22/13:

You can't find your purpose if you feel like a failure. 

That came to my mind as I was contemplating my latest assignment. My counselor told me that right now I should only be worried about two things.

1. Do I enjoy doing this?
2. Does this give me a continued sense of peace?

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Ultimately, yes, it's okay for me to get frustrated with people who do frustrating things. However, there isn't a darn thing I can do about them. All I can do is deal with my own level of expectations. So... that's where I will be. Hopefully. Gee. Pee. Wee. Knee...

Up the down weekend

The devil bastard.

It was an up and down weekend. I was planning to visit my parents in Illinois but I developed a cold towards the end of the week and decided to cancel. So it started off pretty down. I did a lot of staring.

ZOMBIE KIOSK
I only had to work three hours on Friday because I'd worked the previous Saturday. So instead of driving to Illinois, and since I was not feeling good, I went home and plopped in the recliner. It was almost 70 degrees outside but I was a zombie. I never did actually sleep, but just sat there and stared at the TV (or the wall, I dunno) all afternoon in the dark. My mind started to darken.

See, they delivered 'the kiosk' at work Friday morning. I haven't been given many details at all about it, but two construction guys were there to unload it off the truck. They planned to put it in Friday afternoon, but apparently didn't get around to it. Anyway, they were kidding me about it being my replacement and they put my business card on the front of it and were calling it Dan the whole time they were there. I know they were just joking, but given all the secrecy and confusion surrounding it, it's not very funny to me.

So I sat at home and sulked and stewed and the later it got the more worthless I felt. Pretty soon I'd convinced myself I would never be able to hold a job again. I ended up staying awake in the recliner until around 5:30 the next morning - I just could not shut my brain down and fall asleep.

Saturday morning Jane went somewhere so I was alone again, and the descent continued. It wasn't like I was suicidal, but I just honestly felt like I didn't know if I could function anymore. I finally made myself put some clothes on and get out of the chair. It was another unusually warm day - the whole weekend was in the mid to upper 60's - so I gradually started cleaning the house and picking up sticks in the yard and eventually realized I was still alive. It was a long day and a half though. I do not like those dark days.

SUNDAY
I've probably stated this before but I have always had a love for Sundays. It has been especially good lately. I like being able to sleep in and get to the church gathering at an agreeable hour for me. We start at 10:30 and it only takes us 10 minutes to get there. I feel so good during the service. Lately I've even been able to envision myself starting to get involved in things again - at least while we're at church. I feel hopeful and positive and it's just a good feeling during the service. At least at the church we are presently attending.

SUNDAY NIGHT PARTY
On this particular Sunday we also hosted a party in the evening. We invited some of the young families from the church I used to pastor. They are all around the age of Drew Carrie (and they were there too). Including us there were 24 altogether. 9 were adults and 15 were kids ranging in age from 2-15. Jane made bbq and everyone brought a dish to share, and we had a great time. The kids were able to play outside until it got dark, and then they all played in the basement. The adults squeezed around the kitchen table for the most part. Jane and I didn't do a lot of talking, but we enjoyed the heck out of just listening and seeing everyone. A couple times I found myself just staring, and smiling. I was partly remembering how fun it used to be to have all these kids running around the church, but I was also marveling at the people they were turning into. Some of them I hadn't seen for four years I suppose, and they were all soooooo good. This was a good feeling for me. It did my heart good. Sure, there were things I wanted to say or ask, but they were things that didn't have all that much to do with life anymore, so it was nice just to hang. Really nice.

AND THEN...
And then when I tried to go to bed last night... I couldn't fall asleep again. My mind was stuck on work again. Part of the problem is that I know the ridiculousness of the situation. I do not have a bad job, but I just feel such angst and uncertainty.

EXPECTATIONS
Ultimately, I know in my head the crux of the problem comes down to me and my expectations. I remember from the last time I was in counseling being told the way to contentment was dependent on reality/expectations. We either need to change our reality (which we can't really do, contrary to what you hear today), or we need to change our expectations. That is by and large my biggest issue right now. I am placing expectations on others that are not being met. And it's not THEIR fault they're not meeting MY expectations. So, while it's nice to know, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with.


Well, that's about all there is to say about that. I was pretty low at the end of the week, then very high, and then back to low again at the start of this week. I've been trying to do the Brother Lawrence thing of 'practicing the presence' of God lately. It helps sometimes, but I always end up forgetting at some point. So, try, try again.

When I hate myself

I'm writing this on Wednesday, August 10th, from my thousand foot hole of darkness (and at work). It's one of those days. Those days when I hate myself.

I don't really know what caused it. Maybe nothing did. But I started feeling down last night. Then I got up and went for a jog with Jane this morning. That didn't really help. Just made me miss the days when I could run by myself; when running was 'my' thing.

Anyway, I got to work and started my day job. I was putting air in the golf cart tires when the GM pulled in. That is rarely ever a good thing for me. Interestingly enough, he had some really good news to share with me about a pretty sizable raise. Unfortunately it was delivered in such a way, and taken by me in such a way, that it was anything but joyful. How messed up does someone have to be to not even want a raise?

I hate it when I am hard to talk to. I hate it when I'm hard to get along with. I hate it when I can't get someone to understand what I'm thinking, feeling, saying. I hate it when *I* don't understand what I'm thinking, feeling, saying. I hate it when I get frustrated, and then angry, and then I hate myself some more and then I want to just go hide from the world and have everybody leave me alone.

I so hate to be like this. I hate to be difficult. I hate to draw attention to myself. I hate to make others feel uncomfortable. I hate when the darkness closes in and my eyes narrow and my head feels like it's going to burst. It makes me feel hopeless. Like I will never not feel this way. Like no one will ever understand me. Like I will forever be a burden to people and will be a source of pain and confusion to them. Like I will never be normal. I so do not want to be like this.

Right now I am listening to the Bob Dylan station on Pandora and giving a thumbs down to anything not slow and quiet.

So far I've managed to not have to talk to very many people today. I hate talking to people when I hate myself. I also hate listening to people when I hate myself. The last thing I want to hear are "nice" things when I hate myself. I really, really, really hate being patronized, in this condition or any. It ranks right up there with people trying to figure me out. I hate being asked questions. I hate hearing noise. I hate everything.

So... this is the way it is right now. If and when I get around to posting this it means I am no longer in this hate-filled hole. Until then, I'm trying to minimize the damage to others.

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Okay, this is today. Whew, I'm glad that's over. Yesterday was a miserable rotten day. I stayed that way until well into the evening. Then it finally lifted. It was almost like a fever breaking. I could suddenly relax.

I went to bed and slept well last night. Interestingly enough, when I got up this morning, the pain I'd been having in my neck was completely gone. That makes me wonder if I'd had some kind of a bug or something, and yesterday it fought its way out of my body. I don't know. Regardless, today I have a better outlook, even though I actually am a bit physically worn from the stress of yesterday.

I don't remember the last time I'd gotten that depressed/stressed. It's been awhile. And I hope it's a good long while before it happens again. Gah... I hate it when that happens. ;)

Sorry for the little dalliance into my psyche. I felt it personally worthwhile to write it down WHILE I was feeling that way though - for later consideration.

Definition of an addict

During one of our recent small group gatherings, a new member - who happens to live in a homeless shelter for veterans - said something that really struck me. In fact, I'm still not quite sure what to make of it, but it seems significant. He was talking about his struggles with drug addiction and said...

"An addict is an egomaniac with no self-esteem."

I think what he meant was, someone who wants the world to revolve around themselves (or thinks it does), but they can't handle the pressure. Therefore... they turn to some form of addiction to help them cope.

I'm having a hard time fully wrapping my mind around this, and I don't know where he came up with the idea, but it makes a lot of sense to me. So, that has been occupying some of my thinking lately. What are the implications of this on a society increasingly becoming more preoccupied with self, and ever more lacking in self-worth/esteem??

Remembering

One of my professors from seminary ended his life recently. I had a great deal of respect for all my professors, but I have to admit there were a couple I felt more of a connection to. Gene was one of them. My friend, Lance, who is the director of our denomination, had a very nice tribute here: http://cggcenews.weebly.com/blog/a-time-to-reach-out.

Here are just a few thoughts and memories I have myself:

• When we first moved to Findlay so I could attend seminary, the first church we connected with was call New Hope. It was a small gathering of people, led by a group of people of which Gene was one of. It seemed like just the type of church/group we had been looking for all our lives. And Gene was the first person I'd ever seen preach while sitting on a stool (instead of behind a podium). Unfortunately they decided to close the doors on the church within months of us falling in love with it.
• I remember after they had the closing service for the church - I still hadn't talked to Gene too many times, but I could tell he was a sincere and deep thinker - and I stopped by the library when he was working one day and gave him the lyrics to the Rich Mullins tune "Peace." I'm not sure why, and he probably thought it was pretty strange, but it just felt like something I thought he needed at the time. We never discussed it.
• I remember one other occasion during a time when I was feeling rather low and confused about life. I had a night class and he was teaching in another building, I just felt like I needed to talk to him. So I pretended to lock my keys in my car and asked him if he would take me by my house to get the other set (this was before cell phones). He did, and even though we didn't really even talk about anything important, I guess it meant something to me to just spend a bit of time with someone who I felt understood me. I know, I'm strange.
• I thoroughly enjoyed his teaching - he taught my theology classes - and he opened my eyes perhaps like no one else ever had. He could challenge anyone's thoughts and reasoning in ways I'd never known possible. He preached in much the same way - putting a spin on things that often left me speechless, but with a mind so full like the perfect sunshiny day.
• I'm sure the fact that he was a big Bob Dylan fan and an avid runner helped to feed the connection, but I guess I knew there was something else as well.
• We were in a small group together with our spouses and another couple for a brief time. I never felt like he really thought much of me, but I wasn't all that concerned about it.
• I did have him come and preach at our church one time when I was pastoring. I remember I started the service out by singing the Beatles song "Help" and had Carrie placing different images on the overhead projector while I sang (again, this was a long time ago). Gene did comment that he'd never heard anyone sing a Beatles song in church before.
• I suppose the biggest, and maybe only, reason his suicide has impacted me so is because... almost every time I hear that someone has taken their life, I feel like, "Dang, another one of us has lost the battle." Please don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal - or even close to it - but I feel a definite connection to people like Gene who have gone that route. There, but for the grace of God, go I. I tend to think I can relate to the pain they were feeling. I feel a kindred connection in my spirit. It's almost like a part of *me* has died. There is a deep sense of longing in my soul.
• I've heard it said that people who work those suicide hotlines are told to listen for two scenarios which mean people are serious: 1) they have thought out how they're going to go about committing suicide, and 2) they say they don't want to do it, but they just can't stand the pain anymore. I have never had a plan, but I have sensed #2. Again, I am not right now, but those times when I have been my lowest, I have probably used those exact words. I don't want to feel that way, but it hurts so much. I don't know how to describe soul pain. So when someone "does it"... I don't get upset; I understand; and my heart aches. My heart aches now.

So, that's about all I've got as far as that goes. I have fond memories of my old professor and friend. I have no judgment to make. I'm not sure if there was anything that could have been done to prevent it; I don't know. He was a remarkable person, though, and I'm glad I had the privilege of knowing him and learning from him. It is what it is. I feel bad for his family.

Who's driving?

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I've been wrestling with a lot of stuff going on inside my mind/heart. It's been good, actually. Reading Miller's 'Scary Close' has brought some things to mind, and also forced me to face some things about myself I'd been trying to neglect. So, all told, I felt a sense of relief and freedom yesterday. I am always amazed how sometimes just writing something out can do that. Not that it works for everybody, or that everyone necessarily has things they need to work out, but it works for me.

So, in keeping with yesterday's reading from Miller's book, Don talks about the story we live by. Everyone has a story, or at least should. He says that what often happens is we live the story written by our 'false self' - the one trying to compensate for our shame and pain - and we overlook (or fail to recognize) our 'real' story.

This reminded me of something my counselor explained to me a couple years ago. I'm just going to re-post what I wrote on March 21, 2013...

I was recently told to imagine the brain as though it were a tiny car inside your head with 3 people in it. 

The ADULT is the one driving the car. This is the person who controls behavior and ultimately determines where you go - they hold the steering wheel.

The PARENT sits in the passenger seat, and is sort of the navigator. They hold the map. It is good to have them there to give you boundaries and direction, however, depending on how things go they can also be a source of guilt and shame.

The CHILD sits in the back seat. As long as everything is going smoothly up front, the child stays pretty quiet and doesn't cause any problems. Once the child senses something is amiss though, they can start to act up. The child wants everyone to get along, and they also want to do things that make them feel good. So they are not the best guide. They want pleasure without parameters.

When people are operating normally the adult drives along with the contented parent and child there with them. When the adult starts to question things, or can't make a decision, or doesn't know what to do, the parent and child will start to speak up and try to give their input. When the adult gives in to the inner parent or inner child is when bad decisions (and behavior) come into play.

There is also a part of the brain that controls the insula (or something like that). This is where the "gut feeling" that we can get comes from. This "gut" part of the brain is likened to our GPS system. This is really where we want to go. The challenge is getting ourselves in tune with this and listening to it rather than the parent or the child. In other words, you could think of this as the "walk by faith and not by sight" aspect. Or, perhaps think of this as where the Holy Spirit resides (in the Christian).

So our goal is to get the driver of our car to follow the "gut" part of our mind. This is when we find inner peace and contentment.

That makes sense to me. Letting the "adult" drive the car is the same as living my life based on the story of my real self, instead of my false self. I am no longer "little Danny Horwedel," but am now a capable adult. While it's true that "things" have happened to me, they do not have to define me. Everyone has "stuff." Our shame might be our own fault or it may have been caused by someone else. It doesn't really matter who's to blame. What matters is how we're going to react to it or what we're going to do with our life AFTER.

Honestly, I don't blame anyone for any hurt they may have caused to me. We're all human. I have hurt many people myself. And it's not that there aren't consequences for our actions, but to live as a victim is to live from the wrong, false story of our lives.

That's what I think right now anyway. Who knows. Just writing stuff down as it comes to mind.

It's a new day...

Cake: good grief

Jane and I had nothing to do last night, so we decided to see if there were any mediocre movies on Netflix. We stumbled onto the movie "Cake." I don't think I had heard of it, but Jane said she'd heard it was supposed to be good. It has Jennifer Aniston and Anna Kendrick in it, so I thought "How bad can it be?"

Wow. It is powerful! I wouldn't exactly say it is a "good" movie... It's dark, emotionally gut-wrenching, and should leave you weeping... It was very worthwhile and thought-provoking though.

The iMDb storyline reads:

The acerbic, hilarious CLAIRE SIMMONS becomes fascinated by the suicide of a woman in her chronic pain support group. As she uncovers the details of Nina's suicide and develops a poignant relationship with Nina's husband, she also grapples with her own, very raw personal tragedy.

I particularly liked one reviewer's comment:

Our culture asks us to forgive. Sociopaths want us to forgive and forget. "Cake" explores the difficulty of navigating the real and brutal emotions we face when a tragedy crashes in to our lives.

Yes. That is how I felt while watching this movie. My mind went over the 5 stages of grief coined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I was trained in understanding these at seminary and as a pastor. I've heard countless professionals and church leaders talk about helping people deal with and move through the process. Unfortunately, when Jane and I were trying to navigate a very ugly period in our lives (being let go by our church), we saw very little of this extended to us by those very same people.

I can still remember the person who was/is supposed to be my "supervisor" (the pastor to the pastors) repeatedly telling me, "Dan, you just need to get over it and move on!" This was just a couple weeks after the incident happened. I was trying, but it hurt. At one point I lost it and apparently said a "cuss word." He basically cut off all contact with me after that.

Yes, I understand that it is not healthy to get stuck in any one of the stages, and that we are still accountable for our actions... But do we really want to acknowledge ALL five stages? There seems to be a hesitance to allow for the middle three: Anger, Bargaining & Depression. I know I have trouble accepting those myself, in others. We want the grieving process to be almost... neat. We certainly want it to be peaceful, and probably nice (especially among church leaders).

I know I do not always handle things well. I didn't handle the church departure well. What I still have a hard time with, more than anything, is the alienation by supposed friends and colleagues because I had the audacity to wear my grief openly - to actually go through all five stages. Maybe someday it will make sense. Maybe not.

Anyway, the movie 'Cake' does a good job of showing the grieving process in a very raw and probably honest way. I can't imagine losing a child or a spouse. I'm sure movies don't do it justice. However, I was moved by watching 'Cake,' and glad we spent that time together last night. In the future I hope to be better at not only accepting the behavior of others going through the grieving process, but also showing support to them while they do. I know I am thankful for the few people who have and are assisting me. May God bless them.

From burnout to... better (pt. 4)

As I was writing yesterday's post "Beginning to Get Better," I actually thought that was going to be the final segment in this series. All of a sudden it occurred to me, though, that I was leaving out some important pieces of my journey through pastoral burnout. So, excuse me while I drop a few F-bombs on you: faith, family, and friends. Sometimes it's easiest to overlook the most obvious.

FAITH
I must confess, my faith took some serious hits over the past few years. How could God let this happen? Does the church really work? Is any of it worth it? Do I really even believe? Those were all questions that floated through my mind all too often. Honestly, I still have a lot of questions, but in many ways my faith is stronger than it was before. While I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy, I think it's possible I could come out of this with an even better perspective on God, faith, and the church.

To be clear, I don't think we ever gave up on God. We were plenty hurt, we got mad (at God and people), there are still some pretty serious scars, but our basic beliefs are intact. And even though we've been frustrated with church at times - we wanted to be more involved, and wanted to be more connected with a group - we were fortunate to find a good church that provided solid biblical teaching. We've been allowed the time to work through our stuff without being doted on for what we could contribute or guilted into some kind of service. Ultimately, I'm glad we stuck with church even though there were plenty of times we felt like giving up. 

FAMILY
Certainly my wife made a huge difference in this journey for me. She originally came to faith before I did, and she always seemed to be there just when I needed her during this time. We continued to be near-constant companions and leaned on one another in new and different ways over this last year especially. Even when I sunk into old, bad habits, she never once nagged at me. She let me know she cared, but she also remained silent and trusting at crucial times when I needed it most. I can't imagine having gone through this without her.

My daughter and her family were a huge help too. Carrie is cut from the same mold as me, and she has a canny way of doing or saying just the right thing at just the right time. Drew helped me get the job I have, and he has a way of touching people in his own uniquely quiet and unassuming way. Of course Anna, Bennett and Caleb didn't hurt. One of my biggest disappointments at no longer being a pastor is my grandchildren no longer being able to see that side of me. However, they are still constant reminders of my calling as a husband, father, and grandfather to live out my faith in a real and authentic way.

Isaac and Ricci, even while not being around a lot, actually had a lot to do with my restoration too. Seeing them step out in faith - moving to Atlanta and Isaac going back to school for his MDiv - was a real encouragement to me that it WAS worthwhile. I trust both my kids a great deal, and to see Isaac going in this direction was affirmation and encouragement to stick with it myself. I have been blessed with a great family.

FRIENDS
I also have some pretty incredible friends. At first it seemed like I had lost most of them - we had so many friends in the former church who turned their backs on us - sometimes I/we forgot just how many other friends we did have though. We were fortunate to be friends with a number of people outside the church. My occupation didn't matter to them and they provided invaluable support, encouragement, and understanding. I also have a handful of pastor friends who stuck by my side and continued to support and encourage me regardless of my moods and behavior. I hoped for more from those with denominational ties, but... well, you know. Anyway, whether it was the pastors group that let me continue meeting with them, or Bill on the East coast, or people I've never even met like Pastor D and Jim L.... I feel blessed to be their friend. There are also a number of you who sent periodic emails or other types of encouragement. You have no idea how important that was.

I've had plenty of people tell me they don't want anything to do with 'religion' because it's "just a crutch." You know, I don't disagree that it is... but I, for one, NEED a crutch to help me limp along sometimes. I honestly don't know where I would be without the object of my faith, the love and support of my family, and the continued encouragement of my friends. Perhaps the best thing I did during this time of burnout and betrayal was to let my guard down and allow my faith, family, and friends minister to me. I am blessed, indeed.

The first 3 parts:
1. From burnout to...
2. From burnout to... -pt. 2
3. From burnout to... beginning to get better (pt. 3)

From burnout to... beginning to get better (pt. 3)

This is the third post in my series on pastoral burnout. You can find parts #1 and #2 by clicking the respective links (or scrolling down). Initially I was going to call this 'How I Survived Pastoral Burnout'... and that may still be an apt title. However, I would like to hold off making that call for awhile yet. You know, just in case. This is how I started to get 'better' though.

Having been a pastor in the same small, rural, "family" church for 14 years, I believe I started down the road to burnout around year 5 or 6 (this is detailed in pt. 1). I have to wonder how much a sabbatical would have helped at year 7. Unfortunately, I didn't get one until year 14... and then when I finally got one, the church council asked me to resign while I was still on sabbatical. So this is a brief description of how I survived not only the burnout, but also the uncalled for dismissal.

MEDICATION -
First and foremost I would suggest anyone suffering from pastoral burnout should be in counseling. It should go without saying, but probably needs to be said in most cases. It was when I finally started seeing a professional counselor (as opposed to pastor friends) that I was fully convinced of the need to take a sabbatical. He also put me on antidepressants. For years I fought to stay off them by exercising more, praying more, and any number of others things, but I needed help. Sure, there will be those who accuse you of being "crazy," or "mentally unstable," but they probably already have a low opinion of you anyway. However, medication for your symptoms of burnout probably isn't enough still.

MEDITATION -
Even if the meds help, you can't depend on them to solve your problems. My counselor suggested not only antidepressants, but he also prescribed meditation three times daily. As a Christian, and since I was seeing a Christian counselor, he prescribed "Christian" meditation. The difference is that, while general meditation is more of a 'clearing' your mind, "Christian" meditation is a 'filling' of your mind - filling it with truths of Scripture and attempting to create more God-centered thoughts, ideas and emotions. My counselor offers a 30-minute meditation audio for free on his website. To this day I still practice a variety of forms of Christian meditation on a regular basis (there are apps for that too!). It helps me focus, as well as fill my mind with "whatever is true... noble... right... pure... lovely... and admirable" (Phil. 4:8). Recovering from burnout requires someone better than ourselves to speak into our lives.

MODIFICATION -
It's one thing to finally come to grips with your pastoral burnout, but ultimately you are going to have to make some modifications to your life in order to survive long-term. My survival required modification of my activities, expectations, and occupation.

• Activities - As I shared previously, I was already doing a number of things that were supposed to help. I was an avid runner, I was in accountability groups, I prayed, studied, read a ton... but they were all things 'I' was doing. So how did I modify my activities? I quit doing those things, and actually started drinking more, I started smoking (after having quit for 25 years), and generally living a little reckless. While I do not recommend it, it happened, and I think it helped (me). If I was going to survive, it would have to be at the hands of God, not something I could control myself. I needed to bottom out; and I did.
• Expectations - This was/is perhaps the most difficult modification for me. I had to learn to live with little-to-no expectations... for anyone. That included myself. A common phrase my wife used to utter when she managed a pizza place was, "It's only pizza." That's how she dealt with a teenage workforce and a mostly-idiot customer base. When something would happen, she would just say to herself, "It's only pizza." I have been saying that a lot, about a lot of things! Life is long, and most things aren't that important. Friends will fail you, most people don't care, we're all a mess, and so it goes. The same goes for me. I seriously disappointed some people, and the world didn't end. We have to get over it. It also helped to change my...
• Occupation - This may not be necessary for everyone, but it became necessary for me. However, it wasn't the burnout that made it necessary... it was the treatment I/we received following the dismissal. I needed to re-learn that I did have some value and am able to make a contribution to the world again. Regardless of all that, and whether I ever return to pastoral ministry or not, the change has been good and I believe I am (or will be) a better person for it. 

So, again, I don't know that I can suggest this as a path for others who may be suffering from pastoral burnout, but this is what worked for me: medication, meditation, and modification of activities, expectations, and my occupation. I have no interest in returning to pastoral ministry at this time - I don't know that I ever will - but I survived this experience with my faith intact when I wasn't sure I would. You can too.

Next I will share some further findings in my continuing story of survival.

From burnout to... - pt. 2

As a follow-up to the post the other day where I listed the 12 Steps of Burnout, I just want to share a few random thoughts about some things that may have led to my pastoral burnout. 

INFATUATION WITH LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT
As I stated in the previous post, I believe my burnout simmered for about 10 years. When the two elders I had been working with were suddenly gone, leaving our church with no formal leaders, I felt like a lot depended on me. I needed to develop some leaders! Prior to that, I didn't really view our times together as "leadership development." It was more just learning together, growing together, sharing together, etc. However, when I was faced with a leadership void in the church, I believed it was up to me to fill it. I probably tried to rush the process, and tried to do too much myself. Apparently I didn't trust the Spirit enough to work in and through the people he had in mind.

IS IT SIN
This kind of leads me to wonder just how much my burnout came about because of sin. Certainly not ALL cases of burnout are a result of sin, but it could be. If we define sin as anything that interferes in our relationship with God, then I would guess not trusting the Holy Spirit would be such.

Not listening to God is another sticky area. For a number of years I felt like God was calling me AWAY from that church community, but I didn't go because I never felt him calling me TO another place. I lived for a long time in that space where I wondered if it was God, or if I was being tempted by another. So I drug my feet and told myself I was being 'faithful to my call.' Maybe I was, or maybe I was refusing to listen to where God was calling me to (or away from). It's not like God hasn't called people to wander before...

TOO DISCIPLINED
I believe another contributing factor to my burnout was... I was too disciplined. I have always been a very disciplined person. When I put my mind to something, I can generally accomplish it. Every day I prayed over the names (and imagined the faces) of everyone connected with our church community, I studied diligently, I read continually, I was in accountability groups, I ran and worked out... I did all the things I was supposed to do to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy... but, perhaps I was doing them all in my own power. It's possible I was 'masking' the symptoms of burnout - at least in my mind - therefore not only delaying the inevitable, but making it that much worse in the end. I don't know. I suppose it's also possible it could have been even worse had I not done those things.

INTROVERTS AND BURNOUT
Introverts gain energy from spending time alone. I would think it would be more difficult to notice symptoms of burnout in an introvert over an extrovert. Being withdrawn, spending time alone, socially awkward... those behaviors can make a person a little harder to read. Looking through the 12 steps, I can see where many of them may outwardly appear as normal behavior for introverts, making it harder to tell anything is going on.

At any rate, those are just some random thoughts. I could be completely wrong about all of them. My wife has a saying she is fond of repeating: "Any strength taken to an extreme can become a weakness" (or something like that). I doubt that trying to help develop leadership skills is bad, or being disciplined, or introverted. However, surrendering our selves to God and living a Kingdom-minded life may involve a lot less of 'us' and a lot more simple obedience to His still-small-voice. Shoot, 'less' of us, and more of Him may even make us LOOK a lot less religious to some people. I dunno...

I hope to write more about this later.

From burnout to...

I've been formulating some ideas lately in regard to my journey into, and now out of, pastoral burnout. As I look back, the road to being burned out probably started as far back as 2004 for me.

At the time there were two elders in the church, and I was the "pastor." The three of us met quite a lot. We studied together, prayed together, shared a lot of things together. I felt like we were a pretty good team and provided some decent leadership for the church. In August of that year, though, one of those two elders died of cancer... and the other one abruptly left the church. So there I was - in many ways - alone.

I really think that's when it all started. It wasn't anyone's fault; I don't blame anyone; certainly there were still plenty of positives after that; but that's when I first remember feeling completely overwhelmed and had the feeling that 'I' needed to do something.

I came across this list of '12 Stages of Burnout'... This, they say, is a summary of how it goes:

1. The Compulsion to Prove Oneself; demonstrating worth obsessively; tends to hit the best employees, those with enthusiasm who accept responsibility readily.

2. Working Harder; an inability to switch off.

3. Neglecting Their Needs; erratic sleeping, eating disrupted, lack of social interaction.

4. Displacement of Conflicts; problems are dismissed, we may feel threatened, panicky and jittery.

5. Revision of Values; values are skewed, friends and family dismissed, hobbies seen as irrelevant, work is only focus.

6. Denial of Emerging Problems; intolerance, perceiving collaborators as stupid, lazy, demanding, or undisciplined, social contacts harder; cynicism, aggression; problems are viewed as caused by time pressure and work, not because of life changes.

7. Withdrawal; social life small or non-existent, need to feel relief from stress, alcohol/drugs/porn.

8. Odd Behavioral Changes; changes in behavior obvious, friends and family concerned.

9. Depersonalization; seeing neither self nor others as valuable, and no longer perceive own needs.

10. Inner Emptiness; feeling empty inside and to overcome this, look for activity such as overeating, sex, alcohol, porn or drugs; activities are often exaggerated.

11. Depression; feeling lost and unsure, exhausted, future feels bleak and dark.

12. Burnout Syndrome; can include total mental and physical collapse; time for full medical attention.

The way this works out in one's life is certainly not as nice and neat as this list, but it seems about right to me. I didn't necessarily go through them 'in order' - if there is such a thing - but over time, and at different rates of speed, it all happened. Right down to the near-total mental and physical collapse.

I can still remember when I told the board that my counselor said I was on the verge of needing hospitalization - and that was why he suggested the sabbatical - I guess I thought they understood what I was talking about. Given the fact that they told the congregation I had a 'mental illness' (why they were letting me go), I can see now that I had not explained my situation to them very well. I believe they saw my symptoms as being the issue, rather than the cause of the symptoms. Such is life.

So... that's where I will stop for now. One of these days I hope to delve further into my ongoing journey OUT of burnout. I am tempted to call it "How I Survived Pastoral Burnout," but there are days I'm not sure if I've really survived it, or if I'm still in the midst of surviving. We'll see.

Two into one

I don't like to write about work too much. God knows it caused me enough problems in my last job. However, yesterday I had a customer come in..... and he was acting a little strange. I greeted him as he walked in the door, and he didn't really respond but simply asked for a piece of paper. So I gave him one, he wrote something down, and he handed it back to me. It was an email address. I knew what it meant as soon as I read it.

His old email address had been twodogday@______.com. The new one that he wrote down - that he wanted me to update in his customer profile - was onedogday. He had lost a dog. He was barely able to tell me the story of having to put his long-time friend down. This guy was grieving, and it made me sad.

I was thinking about that when I woke up this morning. I lay in bed a long time thinking about it, and it helped me make some sense of my life. I think I have often misdiagnosed myself as being a 'depressed' person - someone who struggles with depression. Certainly I have had bouts of it over the years. I can often 'feel' it in my head when I get that way. But depression - for me - is a more temporary condition that is a symptom of something else. For instance, when I was seeing a counselor last year, he kept trying to convince me that my depression was just one symptom of my being burned out. It wasn't 'how I was,' it came about as a result of something else. Now it makes sense. For too long I have been using two entirely different words to describe one condition.

I am not prone to depression.... but I am prone to sadness. Some people refer to it as melancholy. Certainly I am not ALWAYS sad, but I get sad when I see someone else who is sad. I get sad when I hear someone talk about their grief - whether it is losing a loved one, a misfortune that has beset them, mistreatment, etc. - but I also get sad thinking about all the hatred and violence and injustice in the world; when I see people stuck in self-destructive patterns; when I think about the criminal way politics is often carried out; when I witness manipulation and degradation of fellow human beings. Those things weigh heavy on my heart. It doesn't cause me to be 'depressed'..... it causes me to grieve! They are not two words describing the same thing.

So, I still feel bad for the poor guy who came in to change his email address. Gosh, I grieved for a long time when I had to put our dog down. It doesn't mean I am depressed about it. It means I care. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It means that is how I manifest compassion for the souls around me; for the world I live in.

As I lay in bed this morning it started to rile me up a bit. There have been a number of people who have made me feel 'wrong' because they wanted me to "get over my depression." You know what? F*ck those people. I like who I am. I like that my heart hurts for other people in their grief. I like that I give a damn about not only individuals, but entire groups of people who are mistreated, misguided, or maybe even simply mistaken sometimes. I think this is how God made me, and just maybe that's how God wants me to be. It's my way of identifying with those around me... The broken, hurting, struggling people I do life with. Not that other people don't care either, but this is how I do it.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking about as I lay in bed this morning. The two are not the same thing. And maybe I'm okay after all.

The wellness center

Dr. Tim and his lovely wife are in a video for the new non-profit they have established back in our old stomping grounds (he is our nephew). It's called Cornerstone Community Wellness. You can hear all about it in the 7 minute video. It sounds like they must have made this for their church. Pretty neat stuff. Very proud of them. And... interestingly enough, I think Jane recommended the book Radical to her brother Mark, who then recommended it to his son Tim. I believe Jane may have also recommended Not A Fan to Tim. Here's the link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scUm3xxu8K8

One year later

So I guess it's been (over) a year since I got fired from my pastor gig. The last time I preached was actually the first Sunday in May of 2013. Then I 'thought' I was on sabbatical for several months. It was sometime in late July - as I was preparing/looking forward to returning - that I was informed the church leaders (and a few others) didn't want me to return. Some days it seems like it was just yesterday, or that it didn't really happen, but most of the time.... I really couldn't care less at this point.

I think I've pretty much come to grips with the getting fired aspect. Certainly there were a ton of things I could have - maybe even should have - been fired for in my 14 years of ministry there. But I have to admit that I still don't understand the logic as to why or how it was actually done the way it was. I guess I mistakenly thought I had the full support of the church leadership in taking a sabbatical - because I was burned out. I admitted I was, I confessed it before the entire church, I sought help to rectify the situation.... I 'thought' that was the right way to go about it.... But apparently not in everyone's eyes.

The counseling was a huge help to me. I had actually been working with my counselor on my return strategy, a plan for the next year at the church, a way to assess my continuing or leaving... and he had even asked me to write a booklet on sabbaticals for small church pastors. Then the rug was just pulled out from under me/us - without anyone from the church so much as having one single conversation with me. In fact, the only time any of them have even spoken to me this whole time was the night two of them came to our house and told us that we were no longer welcome in 'their' church.

There are many things I miss about the life I used to live, personally, but I can't really say that I miss pastoring. I have no desire at all to preach or lead worship. My creative juices have pretty much dried up. I also don't miss the hospital visits, the agonizing over struggles and burdens others were going through, the social occasions I didn't really want to attend, etc., etc., etc.. However, I/we do desperately miss being part of a church family. We miss our friends. I miss 'church' discussions. I even miss our old church (the people AND the building). I guess it is what it is though. None of us really gets to determine our life situation. We take it as it comes.

So, I have accepted the firing. I have accepted not being a pastor. I have not, however, gotten over the betrayal by the people I thought were our friends. At one point I had forgiven them, but their behavior since then has made forgiveness seem like a candle in the wind. I just don't see it happening anytime soon. I maintain to this day that the people we thought were our very best friends lied to us, lied about us to the church, and then just completely ignored us... and in our deepest time of need. That's going to be hard to get over. I mostly blame one person for the entire thing, but there were several accomplices.

As far as church goes.... I am pretty much just a Sunday attender now. I would like to be more involved. I would like to be in a small group or bible study or something... We just can't seem to find our way into one. I also seem to have a hard time finding church leaders who want to talk to me - other than Tom. Sure, many will make small talk, but Tom is the only one who is willing to discuss discipleship, or strategy, or books, or ministry in general. I probably miss that more than anything else. I suppose that's the Apostle in me. My online friend, Dan, has been perhaps my biggest source of encouragement. I thank God for these guys (and a handful of others).

As for the denomination (or at least the Regional leadership), I am still deeply saddened by their role in the whole thing. Not surprised, but disappointed. The initial response - which they openly shared with me - was they thought I got too nice of a severance package, and they were worried about the precedent that might set. That was their main concern. Personally, I thought they should have been more worried about the precedent the church set in firing a pastor who was on sabbatical. But... what do I know.

So.... here it is... August 2014. I/we are getting by. I still think we have something to offer. I think we did a lot of good things. For sure, I was not perfect, but contrary to what the leaders at my old church have led me to believe, I think I was good at some things. But now... I honestly spend most of my time fighting the urge to drink-so-I-won't-think, and smoking to try to occupy my restless heart. So that's pretty much where I am. Fortunately I/we have had a small group of friends from outside the church that have helped us immensely. God certainly works in mysterious ways. And my soul right now is... okay. Even with a smoldering smidgen of pain and anger.

Anxiety/depression helps

They say 30 minutes of meditation a day can lower anxiety and depression levels as much as 38 percent - about the same as an antidepressant. I have experienced the help it provides first hand. Somehow I need to get myself back there.

While I prefer a "Christian" approach, I think there can be value found in other traditions too. Here were a couple interesting sources I ran across this morning.

- A Men's Health article "Quieting Anxiety, Depression Without Drugs."

- An interesting website: Franticworld.com... for a book "Mindfulness: An 8-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World."

I'm not necessarily endorsing or opposing either. I just wanted a spot to keep them so I could look into them further at a later date.

For today, it will be the 'Jesus Prayer': "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

You're okay

If you haven't seen the movie Captain Phillips and you plan to, then don't read any further or watch this clip from the end of it. When I wrote about watching it earlier I mentioned the ending, but not everything.

The first time I saw the movie, what brought me to tears was this final scene. It was the woman who kept saying, "You're okay"... "You're safe now"... You're okay." Again, not that what we have been through the past year was anything like what the real Captain Phillips had to endure, but what I think we have longed for the most while trying to deal with the pain and heartache is someone to simply do that for us... Someone to just tell us that "we're okay;" "everything will be alright."

Fear and doubt and pain are things we all have to deal with from time to time. They do not have to do us in, but they're sure a lot easier to manage when we have someone to assure us in those times. Someone willing to speak the truth that we know to be true, but we're just not fully able to process it ourselves at the time.

So... I was just thinking about this again on Sunday afternoon. We heard a great sermon on forgiveness. I think forgiveness (and reconciliation) is possible... but I/we sure could use someone to tell us "we're okay" from time to time. Call us weak if you will. It is what it is.

Here is the scene from the end of Captain Phillips: