Umm

Um, yes, I now consider myself an 'Umm.'

Mike Moore seems to have classified yet another kind of Christian in his excellent article: "The Rise of the Umms." 

Here's a little snippet to explain:

People end up far from church for lots of reasons, as the nones and dones demonstrate—but the umms represent yet another distinct group worth talking about. I would argue that many of those who have distanced themselves from church attendance, both in-person and online, might be described as umms.

Umms are a different category altogether, and the ones I have spoken with share several common characteristics. They are fond of the local church and were active members in the past. They take Jesus seriously and want to belong to a local congregation. They are not bitter or cynical—in fact, if anything, umms are uncomfortable with not being committed to a church body.

As a result, there is a gap between their desire and their situation. They are umms because they are uncertain and hesitant about how to reengage with the church. And although their individual stories are myriad and diffuse, I would like to present four potential types of umms and their struggles: disoriented, demotivated, discouraged, or disembodied.

Honestly, I'm not sure what type I fit into. I/we just don't feel like we fit in with so many church/people groups. And I hate to admit it, but I'm somewhat afraid to try. Yet again.

I suppose it's somewhat comforting to know we are not alone, but still... we are not as connected even outside the church as the author here.

And... Today is Maundy Thursday. Who knew? I'm reminded how much I used to look forward to Holy Week, and this day in particular. I loved planning and preparing the service. I loved being reminded and mentally reliving the passion every year. Yet, this year it is just another Thursday. No church, no remembrances, no feetwashing, no communion of any kind.

I was reminded this morning of something from the church where I/we used to pastor. We were there from 1999-2013, and it has now been almost 9 full years since we've seen or heard from anyone there. Just cut off, cold. It boggles my mind still. It also makes me wonder what they'll be doing for Maundy Thursday...

Meh, sorry this is a sad post. It just is. And I, um, don't know what more to say about it. Maybe Friday will be... better.

***

Matthew 26:47-50

While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people.  Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.”  Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him. Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.”

 

Sunday worship again - city church

 Hold onto your hats... we went to a church service for the second week in a row!!! Yesterday we attended City Church (not to be confused with Elevate City Church) just a few minutes from our house.

I wasn't really in the mood to go. I didn't drag myself out of bed until 10-ish, and I'd had a bit too much vodka a little too late into the night before. But I was able to muster enough coherence to at least appear presentable for the 11 am service on the old Taylor/Fort Wayne campus.

We discovered before we even entered the building that this is one of those churches that has read all the books (or, more likely, listened to all the podcasts - on how you're supposed to "do" church). The greeter outside the front door complimented me on my shoes. The old running shoes I've been wearing to work every day for like two years. Nice try. Then, once inside, a bright-white smiling woman picked up on the fact we were visitors and immediately ushered us inside and showed us around. I was a little put off by it, but honestly probably wouldn't have found the worship space if we hadn't been told where it was. Fortunately it was nice and dark inside so no one could see the apprehension on our faces. We quickly found a seat in a back section and began to peruse the room.

I noticed a few familiar faces of people who work out at my Y. One of the lead singers, the guy who gave the video announcements, a woman sitting right in front of us. I also noted there weren't a lot of children there. I don't know if they were somewhere else, or if everyone was simply soooooo young that they didn't yet have any children! We were quite possibly the oldest people there. The 100-150-ish people were all very young, including the staff. And it's not that that is a bad thing, but I felt we stuck out like giant thumbs.

The space started filling up once the music started. It was loud and with a nice heavy bass you could feel. Again, not a bad thing. It was also very well done, though a bit too performancy for me. The lead singer had on a hoodie with his backwards hat on top of the hood, and a giant gold chain. To be fair, that is how he dresses normally. And it didn't appear anyone was being "fake" per se, but I'd describe it as more Tik-Tok culture, and we are MySpace folk.

The music lasted about 30 minutes, and I spent most of the time just standing there totally not engaged. I began to feel bad about all those times I chided people for not "getting into" worship music. I watched people so totally lost in 'passion for God' (or something), and it suddenly seemed very foreign. I didn't even feel guilty for not singing. Mostly I just wanted to sit down, or go for a walk outside!

Finally the pastor came up in his camo shirt and skinny jeans. He spoke for almost an hour on James 3. I do have to say it was a really timely, challenging, biblical and good sermon. I appreciated how there was no finger-pointing, but he didn't hold anything back. It was straight up conviction, and it felt nice for a change. I was glad we came if for no other reason. I still remember the three application points: start with the heart, analyze the data, and season with salt.

So, that was that. A 90-minute service of music, video announcements, and a sermon. Nothing more and nothing less. I don't know that this is the group for us (more due to age than anything), but I would be curious to see how this service compares on average.

Anyway, we don't really have a formal plan for this church-shopping endeavor, but hopefully we will continue to take in some different groups. I can see how it makes a difference having no interaction with other Christians and worship "things." It's something we very much want in our lives. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

***

James 3:9-10

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

We went to church on sunday

Yesterday was our first time attending a church service in well over a year. It's been two years (this week) since we'd been to this particular church. It was the last Sunday for this pastor and we felt like we should go and support him. Just one more of the growing number who decided to leave this type of ministry. Today he started work as a full-time hospital chaplain.

There were so many emotions for me/us. I was near tears (or in tears) pretty much the entire time we were there. I was afraid to talk to anyone for fear I'd just break down and cry. Despite our differences he was a good friend and I care a great deal for him, plus just relating to the struggles of pastoral ministry.

We've been intending to venture to a Sunday service for several weeks, if not months. Once you get out of the habit, it's pretty easy to not go back though. Just the thought of trying to find a new church is such a drag.

We've also been torn about this one. We used to love it so much, and want to love it still. It checks so many boxes. Yet it didn't take us long sitting in our seats to be reminded how incredibly frustrating some people can be... and now they're without a pastor...

Anyway, some of the things I was thinking yesterday:

• I was happy for Brian (the pastor) for being able to leave in a good way; I was also sad that it had become somewhat necessary.
• I was hopeful for the church as they shared a new strategy for reaching out to people within walking distance of the church; I was also fearful that it will leave many of these people disappointed because I've seen/heard this kind of thing before.
• I was reminded how much I liked Brian's preaching and how much I'd learned about grace and gentle patience from him over the years; yet I was also reminded how completely different we are and that sometimes as much as we need different it's not always possible to coexist. 
  
• I was thankful that Brian was able to have a chance to speak of his love for the people and give a tear-filled and heartfelt goodbye message after 8+ years of ministry; which then left me feeling sapped by the realization I never had that opportunity after 14 years of ministry in the one church I served (no final sermon, no final lunch, no good-byes, no nothing).
• ........

I do have to admit, while sitting during the service I was also struck by a couple things that have nothing to do with this particular pastor or church: 

1. I really dislike "performance worship." I think that's a pet peeve I'd had for awhile at this church (and others). Not that I don't like to listen to a good "worship" band. However, I miss being able to sing. Not "lead" singing, but just sing along. 
2. As is often the case, while listening to the sermon, thoughts popped into my head about the possibility of doing so again sometime myself. It always works out better in my mind than reality though.
3. I suppose I'm weird in that I really like large church gatherings with great music, teaching, and whatnot; but I think what I miss the most is a small gathering, singing old hymns (maybe not with an organ), and simple scripture readings and prayers. I suppose I would be most enticed by the notion of a small congregation with 15-30 people who just needed someone to lead a simple Sunday service without much expectation of excellence. But it doesn't take long for me to snap out of it. I guess.

<Sigh>. Thoughts like this leave me sad. It's a sad week in general. Another friend is leaving pastoral ministry; we're still without a church; my boss is leaving this week and there are so many unknowns as to what will happen; my wife's work is in a bit of turmoil as well; and it seems like summer is on the verge of screeching to a halt. So, I dunno....

Sorry there isn't anything helpful to write today. I don't think it makes sense even to me. But... it felt like I should write something. There ya have it. [Written early this morning]

***

 Ecclesiastes 1:18

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief."

 

No church for a year

Facebook reminded me this morning that our last time in church was exactly 1 year ago today! That's the longest I've gone without since I was in my mid-twenties; it may be the longest for Jane ever!

The above pic is from our last Sunday. We hadn't been attending that particular church too long, what with the shut-down and all, but when my friend stopped pastoring there, we simply didn't know where else to go.

I'm not proud of that, nor happy. We didn't intend to stop going. I guess it just sort of happened... and I believe we are honestly worse people for it.

Certainly I've had my issues with 'the church' over the years, but even at it's worst I've always liked attending worship services and being a part of a church community. Not only do I miss the spiritual element, but the social as well. We are lonely, discouraged, and lacking purpose in life. I attribute all three at least partially to not being part of a church.

I know there is nothing keeping us from starting again. It's just hard. For starters, I wouldn't know where to go. I'm also aware of virtual or online options. We tried for awhile. It just doesn't work for us.

And, please, spare me the dishonor of trying to alleviate guilt by saying 'the church isn't the building' or 'it isn't only on Sundays' or whatever. I know all that, and I don't really feel any guilt. We simply miss gathering with others to worship and being part of a community. I believe there's a power in that and we are feeling the effects of its absence.

I suppose there are alternatives we may not have thought about, and certainly people in places all over the world manage to cope without "church life." I'm not looking for pity (I know we're not alone in this) but simply lamenting the fact. We aren't very happy with our lives, and I think this is a big part of the reason.

So, if you're the praying sort, I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers in this regard. It's no fun.

 ***

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." - Hebrews 10:23-25

We went to church on sunday

I know, I know... we didn't actually "go" to church (we are the church), but this past Sunday we attended our first in-person Sunday gathering since probably mid-March.

The group we've been gathering with started meeting on Sundays again on the previous weekend. I believe the doors to the building had been shut for 10 or 11 weeks due to the pandemic shut-down. We didn't attend that first time back. I heard there were maybe 25 people there.

Fortunately we were able to meet outside on this date, so that made it a little better (this is an actual picture from our lawn chairs in the back). It was a beautiful day, and the second to last time my friend will be preaching at this place. Next week is his last Sunday as pastor here before moving to Michigan.

I was still not in favor of going, but Jane talked me into it. She has much less anxiety than I do about the whole virus thing. It's kind of starting to freak me out again. It seems people are all of a sudden 'over it'... and that worries me. The rate of infection in our county is spiking right now, but no one seems to care. I actually have the biggest problem with my boss, as he does not practice social distancing AT ALL... I don't know...

Anyway, next week will probably be our last time worshiping with these people. Although, after the service, the head elder asked me if I would be available to preach after Tom leaves. I told him it was possible, but I hoped I wasn't their first choice, as it's been seven years since I've done so. ...Ugh. I doubt that I will have to, but until then... I'm trying not to think about it.

I do have to admit, sometimes I think it would be nice to pastor a church like this again. Just preach the word, sing some simple songs of faith and such... But then I remember, and... gah, I don't know.

After next week, I have no idea what we will do for "church." Many are still not meeting, yet even if they were... the thought of trying to find another one... it's depressing. One Sunday at a time, I guess.

Sunday in the park; two popes

We did not attend a Sunday worship gathering again yesterday. We kept the grand kids overnight and... while we had more than enough time to make it 'somewhere'... it's honestly just easier to not even bother. And I really hate that...

Instead... after the wee ones were picked up, we opted to take a walk in the park, so to speak. We drove downtown and walked through Promenade Park and over to the Lawton skate park, looped around by the Old Fort, and wound our way back through Headwaters Park and The Landing on Columbia Street. It was a nice 45-minute stroll. I took the above pic from the bridge that connects the Fort and Headwaters Park East.

Sure, it's great to take in some nature and feel the cool against your face; to be free from the obligation of "church." But I don't like it, and I don't think it's right. Not for me anyway. Not that we shouldn't enjoy long walks and the beauty of creation... but I don't for one second think that's what Jesus gave his life for and called me to.

It is frustrating. I/we feel like there is no place we fit, and I lack confidence in my ability to get along with others (to tolerate them) and not be a nuisance to some innocent God-loving group of people. It seems everyone is either so liberal that anything goes, or we've got to be praying for our military from the pulpit to be "Christian"... and... well... I know... the real problem is... ME.

Yesterday I did wonder to myself what it would be like to try starting up the "Beer & Hymns" thing... Simply open up our house even, and anyone that wanted to join us in singing hymns together (if Jane would play the piano for us), and people could bring the beverage of their choice (or none at all)...

I also thought about the prospect of trying to do a 'worship in the park' thing. You know, just be present at the same time and in the same place each Sunday morning... I don't know. Stupid stuff. And why would I do that to myself again????

--

Anyway, yesterday afternoon we decided to try watching a movie. Of course Amazon Prime wouldn't work, as seems to be getting more and more common. So we watched 'The Two Popes' on Netflix. I'd seen ads for it, and heard other people talk about how good it was. It was actually WAY BETTER than I anticipated. It was funny, intense... emotionally powerful. I was fighting back tears throughout.

It also stirred within me many of the thoughts above. The tension between following the disciplines of the church (respect/love for God), and the call to social action (the mission of God). It's a fine line. When the one Cardinal remarks, "Maybe I could just be a parish priest again"... I found myself longing for that life. Yet, at the same time, I know there is no "just be a..." involved. Not for me.

---

So, here I sit. The sweat towels are in the washing machine at the ol' YMCA. I'm listening to the whir of treadmills and whatnot. I can feel life seeping away from me every day I am here, as I force myself to not make waves, trying to fit into the system, trying to be a good little boy who 'knows my place'...

... ... ...

Bah... I want to scream!!!!!

"Back" to church... somewhere else

We had not attended a Sunday worship gathering for 3 full months. That is by far the longest stretch for us in many a' moon (or, decades, actually).

We didn't intend to take this long of a break. Even after deciding we maybe didn't want to go back to where we had been, we thought we would visit other places much sooner. It just hadn't worked out yet.

So, yesterday morning we decided to visit a place on the northeast side of town (https://nefw.org/). Interestingly enough, the pic on their website (above) is from the street where I work, which is not very close to their church building. I suppose there could be a couple reasons for that. Anyway...

Several years ago someone recommended that I/we might like this church. I also somewhat "know" one of the pastors. That's about all we knew about it. For some reason - maybe because we knew so little about it, compared to what we do know about so many other churches in town - it just seemed like the place to go today. It's also interesting that this was the first Sunday of Advent (the start of a new "Christian year").

As we parked the car and walked toward the building, we wondered if we would be ignored or swarmed when we walked inside. It wasn't bad. We were greeted at the door by a guy who gave us a bulletin and simply said "hi," and that was about it for interaction. We found a seat in the 'pew chairs' about 2/3 of the way back and on the outside aisle. Our safe spot. It seemed nice.

Some observations:

• It seemed we were two of the younger people there (although we were at the 11 am service, and there may be more older people - like us - at the 9:15 service). 
• I saw several people I recognized. Ironically, a guy I actually know came in and sat down right in front of us (without knowing it was us). Apparently all the guys in the band 'James and the Drifters' are part of this church.
• It seemed smaller than I expected. A small-ish entryway, with what appeared to be a kitchen-type space in the far corner. The "sanctuary" was pretty small too - maybe just a little larger than our old church where I used to pastor. 
• It was decorated very "home-y." Obviously, it's Christmas season, so there was a tree, and lots of Christmas lights hung throughout the sanctuary. Otherwise, it was very simple, yet tastefully done.
• The music was similar to the decorating. They had a band, but it wasn't "in-your-face" with the instruments. I really didn't even notice the acoustic guitar, bass, keyboard and drums. They were mere accompaniment to the voices... and voices of the PEOPLE IN THE PEWS! I liked that! The songs were very familiar to us, and incorporated some old hymns that were familiar to us. I hadn't realized (or maybe I had) just how much I missed this type and way of music/singing. It wasn't perfect, but it was "good"... in a good way.
• I was surprised that the speaker this morning was the guy I actually somewhat know. I didn't know he was the "preaching pastor" - and maybe he isn't, or maybe he is - I don't know. But he preached this morning and it seemed, at least in my mind, to be very much like I used to. He used a music stand and a manuscript, and spoke with his hands a lot. He also quoted some of my favorite people and used terminology and phrases I tend to like. It felt very "right" to me.
• They shared communion at the end, and then we closed with several more songs. The kicker was a spur-of-the-moment addition of "How Great Is Our God." I can't believe I'd forgotten one of my all-time favorite songs. They even threw in the "How Great Thou Art" chorus part.
• As far as people interaction, the only people that spoke to us were the guy who said "hi" and gave us a bulletin, the guy I knew that sat in front of us, and the guy who preached gave me a one-shoulder hug on my way back from getting communion.

 
So... it was an interesting morning. I/we didn't attend this church expecting it to be where we would continue going, and I can't imagine we will. It's like 20 minutes from our house. However, it felt kind of like home - to me at least. Reggie McNeal talks about the need to worship in your own "heart language." This felt like that. Although, it was one Sunday, and there are likely many other churches where it can happen too.

Anyway, I sat there fighting tears most of the morning. I don't know if it was because it had been so long since we'd attended a Sunday service, or because it seemed like one thing after another touched my heart somehow. Regardless of everything else, it was a nice morning of worship. On this first Sunday of Advent...

Sense of purpose/meaningful contribution

Remember what I wrote yesterday about leaving a church community? I listed three reasons: consumerism, lack of meaningful engagement, and incompatibility.

Well, I read this nice little interview with Bob Weir last night, and it sparked a tad more clarity (yes, the former Grateful Dead co-founder sparked clarity).

Weir says you need to do three things in life to be happy. He says you need to (1) dedicate your life to the pursuit of a sense of purpose, (2) meditate, and (3) work out (I do #2 and #3).

I prefer "sense of purpose" to "meaningful engagement" from yesterday's post. It describes more what I was trying to say. It also makes it a more legitimate reason, in my opinion.

Now, I say all this, and I don't know that I/we are looking for happiness necessarily. I'm also not looking for any particular church community to meet every single need we have. And, everyone is different. So... speaking for myself, a sense of purpose is pretty important to my life and livelihood. I need to feel like I am making a meaningful contribution (and maybe 'contribution' is better than engagement too!).

I don't know that this is the main reason for our unhappiness, but it doesn't help. There are simply no expectations whatsoever placed on people at this church. And even when you do things - like we were doing with finding people to pray and serve communion and the parking lot and whatnot - there was no sense of purpose to any of it. It was fairly meaningless work that didn't matter. Plus, the pastor treats just about everything in the same manner. It's like nothing matters! And I think that's his theological position. God/Jesus has already done everything that needs doing, and there's nothing we can do to add or take away from that. I'd say this not only leaves "man" out of the equation, but the Spirit as well. I mean, what did Jesus mean by us doing "even greater things than he"?

So, I'm debating whether to go back and 'update' yesterday's post, or just leave it. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme, but I think this is an important distinction for me).

Reasons to leave a church community:

- CONSUMERISM (not valid)
- LACK SENSE OF PURPOSE OR MEANINGFUL CONTRIBUTION (somewhat valid)
- INCOMPATIBILITY (valid)

Reasons for leaving a church community

First off, let me say, I am not talking about the "nones" (those no longer affiliated with any religion - more specifically the Christian tradition). This is about leaving a specific church community, rather than "the church" at large.

The other day my friend/coach/mentor was asking about our lack of church attendance lately. He mentioned three reasons people leave a church. I don't know if this was his list, or if he'd read it somewhere, but I thought it worth writing down.

Three reasons people may leave a church community:

CONSUMERISM
Much has been written about people leaving churches - either hopping from one to another, or leaving "the church" altogether - who feel their needs are not being met, they are "not being fed," they don't like the music, the color of the carpet, the preaching style, or any other number of things that aren't really what you might call 'essential.' This is generally considered an immature mindset.

LACK OF MEANINGFUL ENGAGEMENT (See the next post for an edit)
I'm hesitant to use the word "engagement" (and I don't think that was the word used). At any rate, if your gifts are being overlooked or ignored, your participation or involvement is not really welcome or encouraged, there isn't a good ministry "fit"... you have the choice of either "toughing it out," or finding someplace else where you can find meaningful participation as part of the body. This could be due to poor leadership, or poor follower-ship. This is not as bad as the consumer mindset, but it would seem someone is dropping the ball somewhere.

INCOMPATIBILITY
Perhaps there are legitimate reasons a person doesn't fit with a particular church though. It could be something like a personality clash or disagreement. Sometimes things can be worked out, but sometimes it may be necessary to part ways, like Barnabas and Paul. Or, maybe you are theologically incompatible with the teachings of the group. If it hinders your spiritual walk, finding more compatible teaching/leanings might be necessary. I suppose there could be any number of other reasons as well, where it's not necessarily anyone's fault, but just best to leave.
---

So, I'm trying to look at our present situation through this three-sided lens.

I honestly don't believe consumerism is our problem. Not that we don't have needs or wants, but we're fairly capable of "feeding" ourselves.

It's possible lack of meaningful engagement is an issue. We don't feel our gifts are being utilized, and it's not really even something that's talked about in the church. However, the pastor has been pretty open that leadership is lacking. I have been asked to help with that, and I tried. I believe, however, it may be more a case of...

Incompatibility. We were raised and trained as low-church evangelicals. Even though the church we've been at is not a typical ELCA Lutheran church, it may be the theology is simply too different for us. Not that we feel much like evangelicals anymore either. It may also be more of a drastically different ministry mindset. We value small groups, talk of life transformation and personal repentance, a balance of invitation and challenge, missional living and such... and these are not shared by the pastor and leadership. At least not in our opinion.

So, while we have yet to make any firm decisions one way or another, I think this helps (at least me). There are many things we like about the church community - especially since our grandchildren are there - but it may be time to face the facts. Assuming they're not made up! ;)

We'll see...

A busy weekend

Do you ever have those weekends where you think, "Man, I can't wait to get back to work Monday so I can rest"? Well, okay, so that NEVER happens. But we did have a busy weekend. And I'm not complaining.

ALMOST LIKE A 3-DAY WEEKEND
I didn't have three days off, but I had to close on Friday night. Instead of the usual 5 am - 9 am (or 5 am to 1 pm), I worked noon to 8 pm. So I got to sleep in Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That rarely happens anymore.

Friday nights at the Y where I work are usually pretty slow. The place was empty from 7-7:30, and then, of course, someone came in at 7:30, and another at 7:40. It turned out they were meeting each other there. At least they left right at 8 pm.

TRUNK OR TREAT
Saturday we helped daughter Carrie at an event she was running at her Y branch. She decorated her van and asked if we would help pass out candy out of it. You know what they say about old men handing out candy from a van. Still, there were A TON of people!

The event was from 1:30-3 pm. We arrived a little after noon to see if they needed help anywhere else. As with most Y events (and probably everywhere), volunteers are not always super dependable. So I watched the entrance and let the "trunk people" in when they arrived.

We actually handed out trinkets instead of candy. Carrie's van was decorated as a monster. The back door was the mouth, and we set the trinket bowl just inside the mouth. There was a red "tongue" on the ground. I made the kids walk up the tongue and try to reach in and grab a trinket before the "monster" closed his mouth on them. :) It was actually fun - other than the poor little kids that I scared half to death.

Anyway, we had places to be and had to leave right at 3 pm. There was still a long line of people waiting to go through. Fortunately sil Drew took over for us.

THE BIRTHDAY OUTING
Saturday night we went out with our usual group of friends that go to Takaoka (Japanese restaurant) when there's a birthday. This one was between Mike's and mine, so we both got happy birthday sung to us and received a sherbet dessert with a sparkler on top.

Afterward the eight of us went to Mike's house where we laughed and drank and relaxed amid his museum of all our childhood's memories. He has this classic house he has decorated as close to the home he grew up in as he can get. I think it's awesome.

HIGH CHURCH SUNDAY
Sunday morning we actually went to church! Well, we went to a church anyway. The oldest grandchild was singing in the choir on this particular Sunday. This is the church where they go to school. It is a massively beautiful work of art of a building downtown. I think it's incredible and could sit and look around for hours.

This is pretty "high church" for us. It's something we are not used to, so I think it's pretty neat. We did have a little trouble following along at the start. I thought I had the right page for the reading and song, but it didn't sound like the words I was seeing. For a minute I thought people were singing in a different language. Eventually we figured things out. The sermon was actually quite good, and I was surprisingly inspired. I'm glad we went.

We sat in the front row of the balcony. It was great for seeing all the empty pews down below. I got a little freaked out when we had to stand though. I was afraid I would drop the hymnal over the rail. Worse yet, I didn't like feeling that *I* might go over the rail. We managed to survive.

RIVER CITY RAT RACE
After church we rushed home and changed into our running clothes. At 2 pm was the annual River City Rat Race 5k/10k. This event is also put on by Carrie's Y, so she was helping with everything there. Jane, myself and Drew all ran the 5k.

This was my first time running since the marathon three weeks prior. I wasn't sure if I would walk or run or both because my legs haven't quite recovered yet. I let Jane run ahead and I just did a nice easy job. I think I came in right about 30 minutes. The legs were a little sore, but it did feel good to get out and go again. It was also a gorgeous 70-degrees and sunny.

THIRD SUNDAY SUPPER
A little later in the afternoon we headed out to the Feipel homestead and partook the first of the new Third Sunday Supper.

I'd kind of forgotten we did this at the church I used to pastor. Every third Sunday we would just get together, everybody would bring a dish to share, and we would hang out.

Carrie invited us, another couple from their church, and some other friends. There weren't a lot of people, and I was feeling absolutely beat, but we had food and conversation and enjoyed ourselves.

We finally left a little after 6 pm before I collapsed. We went home and had the pre-bedtime glass of wine, watched a little GritTV, and I crawled under the covers around 8:30.

So, it was a busy weekend. All good stuff. I have not been feeling the greatest this morning. Not sure if I caught a bug, or it's simply the effects of too much fun. We will see...

Our 'break' from church - update

We have now gone over month without attending or participating in church (maybe 5 or 6 or 7 weeks?). This is the longest we've gone without attending a worship service or being involved in a local church in over thirty years.

While it was an intentional "break" from church, I can't say I feel all that good about it. In fact, I don't. I hate it. It's not like we wanted to do this, but things happen, so we're trying to 'trust the process' (whatever that means), and hang on.

Some random thoughts I'm having during this period of churchless-ness:

1. We can't expect other people to be or do what we want them to be or do.

I'm not surprised we haven't heard from anyone at the church we had been attending. Well, other than two text messages the pastor sent saying he was "praying for us." It's just not one of those type of churches. Although, while we didn't want people fawning over us, it would be nice to know someone at least noticed our absence. But this is not about them.

I thought stepping away for a time might make us miss the 'community.' We do miss being part of a community, but I'm not sure we ever were at this church. If anything, it has reinforced that feeling in us.

I'd rather not get into any of the issues we have with the church itself, or the pastor. It may not even be them, after all, and instead may just be 'us' that's the problem. So we need to keep this mindset when thinking about the situation.

2. We can't expect to find something when we don't know what we're looking for.

I/we do value the Sunday rhythm of attending ...something. We've thought about visiting some other churches, but, honestly, that seems so 'not fun.' I long for friendship and social interaction though. I want to be challenged and encouraged to grow. I'd like to think we could maybe, possibly, even feel like we "belong" somewhere. But... I don't know where...

It could be that we simply need rest. So far we've not done anything on Sunday mornings but laze around the house. It's not the end of the world if we miss some Sunday services. Yet it feels so foreign, and it leaves me feeling really lonely. Unattached. Sorrowful.

I don't know, maybe we've been missing the point. Not that belonging and community and all that aren't important, but maybe we've been looking for the wrong things... and that's why we feel the way we do. And maybe we've been so intent on looking, that we haven't been listening... (to God, the Holy Spirit, wisdom...).

3. We can't lose hope.

The only thing worse than having no friends and no social circle... is having no hope. And I think this is exactly how the enemy wants us to think. Yes, feeling alone sitting in a room full of people is lonelier than sitting at home alone, but we must resist hopelessness. This is not the end. It may not even be up to us to figure out.

There certainly seems to be a void in our lives. A pretty dramatic one. And I'm not entirely sure taking a break was the right thing to do. Yet, oddly enough, my daily devotions have led me to some really good insights about Scripture, the Trinity, and life. I hadn't thought of it until just now, but it's been awhile since I've been able to say that.

So, in an attempt to keep this brief - because I could probably ramble for days, and I've actually been trying to write this post for weeks - I'm going to stop here. I think this is a good place to start: this is not about what anyone else is or isn't doing, we need to listen instead of merely looking, and we can't lose hope. We cannot lose hope.

I don't really know what else to do... I guess we simply have to trust that He is faithful and just and will never leave us or forsake us... So we will.

No church and yes bs

I've alluded to the fact that we have not been attending Sunday worship gatherings for several weeks (not since 9/1/19). I have been intending to write something about it, but... I honestly don't know what to say.

We did this intentionally. We'd kind of been "hanging on" since before minor league baseball season ended. Being the volunteer coordinator for the church and baseball parking lot, I didn't feel right about not being there on Sundays while the season was still going on. So we made the decision before then that once the season was over, we were going to take a break.

I was kind of thinking just a few weeks away would suffice. You know, we simply needed a break; needed to recharge. Now... I'm not sure it will be that easy.

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is... it's sad. Really sad. I am sad. Jane is sad. We LOVE church! We love Sunday mornings worshiping together with others. Unfortunately, for some reason we just haven't been able to do that for awhile. It's like we're on the outside looking in.

I wish I could point to a culprit or specific reason... but it seems like there are just so many. I miss singing - as in 'congregational singing'... 'participatory singing.' I miss being in a small group (or Bible Study or whatever you want to call it). I miss having a sense of community. I miss the sense of being involved in ministry, or kingdom work (again, or 'whatever you want to call it'). I miss being allowed to use my "gifts" and live out my "calling," if you will.

While I don't believe anyone is doing anything outwardly "wrong"... there is a lot that seems to be lacking when writing it out like this.

So, I don't know... Thus far we've just been sleeping in on Sunday mornings and not trying to be overly fixated on any path forward. We needed a break, and I think we are taking one.

It's not that we are church "shopping"... and I certainly don't want to be part of the trending "formerly churched." I think it's more that we are "church hoping." We're hoping for something. I don't even know what.

Maybe we will visit some other churches, or not. Maybe we will do some traveling; take some weekend getaways. I honestly don't know where we're headed at this point. Again, I didn't think it would be this complicated. It appears I underestimated things, as usual.

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One positive to note: We have begun meeting with another couple for a weekly BS session. I call it that, but it's actually Bible Study. We met together with Tom and Kim last year until baseball season started. This is something Jane and I definitely need in our lives. It's also such that the discussions we have with Tom and Kim are perhaps deeper than we would get in a more public setting, and that helps too.

Still, for as good as the bs is... I don't feel right not being part of a church community. I long for one. I'm just not sure where to find one. We will see...

Eric Gales takes us to church

We worked the Eric Gales concert at C2G Music Hall last Friday, September 20th. It was actually the second time we had worked one of his shows here. You can read about the first one - which was the first show we ever worked as volunteers at C2G - at my post here on September 29, 2017.

Once again, Eric blew our faces off with his guitar playing, and blew our minds with his testimony. He is not a "Christian musician," mind you. But he is a blues/rock musician who is a deep believer in Jesus. The first time we saw him he was just over a year sober. Now he is celebrating three years! He held nothing back in his praise to God and, with a little editing, the founder of the church/music hall is hoping to have video of him sharing what an honor it is to play at C2G/Come2Go and how God has impacted his life.

Just like the first concert of his, we once again worked Gold Circle tickets and seating. We normally either do that or the regular ticket counter. The difference between the two tonight was $20 vs. $40 (but it's only about three feet!). The sixty or so Gold Circle people pretty much covered the cost of the show though, so I'm glad they were there (in addition to another 100 or so general admission)!

Ironically, for as vocal as Eric was about God and faith, this was actually our first time in the building in about three weeks. We decided to take a little "break" from church at the beginning of September. We'd already agreed to work this show before that decision, so it was a little awkward at times. We did manage to survive.

I plan to write more about the church exit at some point (have been meaning to for three weeks now). What makes it worse is... events like this concert are actually what we really LOVE about the church. Unfortunately, the founding pastor (who still oversees the concert hall) and the current pastor do not share the same vision. I/we really like the current pastor as a person, but honestly, we are much more in tune with the founding pastor's vision. So, it's a bit of a quandary for us at the moment.

Anyway, this was a nice night of some much needed blues music, as well as a reminder by Eric of the value of a real faith in God. We were blessed.

Forty dollars and a box of hymnals

So...... I've been thinking about "church" again. Going, leaving, starting, stopping... all sort of things.

I don't really even know where to begin, or what to say. We're tired, mostly. Frustrated. Tired of trying. Maybe it's 'trying to make things work,' or 'trying to fit in'... I don't know.

Last Saturday night I was a bit drunk and I blurted out to some friends that I actually felt more ready to plant a church now than I ever had - and that's what I actually went to seminary for over twenty years ago! I don't know that I'm more ready, or simply feel like I'm running out of options. Anyway...

In my stupor, I relayed the story I'd heard Eddie Gibbs tell a number of years ago at a discussion on his book 'Emerging Churches.' I can't recall all the details, but it was a time when everyone was big into church planting and throwing oodles of money towards it. Yet he knew of a group of people who were planting churches like crazy, and their organization was providing them with a mere forty dollars and a box of hymnals to get started! And the kicker, which I can still hear him saying, "and most of them didn't know what to do with the forty dollars!!"

I've always liked that story. So it got me started thinking again about just what it would take to start a "church." You know, a church church. One fixated on making disciples, focused on Scripture, and encouraging one another in faith and good deeds, and ministering to the 'least of these,' and that sort of thing...

I've written about this before, so I looked back through my blog and found a few old posts. I want to include them here for my own personal reflection, and hopefully I may have some more to say about this later. Who knows.

But... I say all that... and I don't want anyone to think I am planning to start a church! I'm just thinking about stuff. That's all. Seriously.

Anyway... some posts I want to re-read...

• Foundational Elements of A Church
• Grace Gatherings
• Description of the Church Using Only the Bible
• I Miss Those Scripture Choruses
• Thinking About... Church

 So, we will see where this goes. It's a place to start.

I've never much cared for lemonade

Sometimes I like when Facebook pops up a "memory" for me... Sometimes, not so much. Last night I posted this memory from six years ago on Facebook:

I honestly did start to make a joke about it. I mean, it seems so stupid and far-away now. Yet at the same time, I also wanted to post how pathetic I think it is that I/we STILL have not heard a word from any of the people responsible. In the end, it was kind of just "meh, who cares."

I'm really glad no one left a comment on the Facebook post like, "You know what they say when life gives you lemons? Make lemonade!" Honestly, I have never much cared for lemonade - the drink or the sentiment! It's either too bitter or too sweet... and I prefer things somewhere much more in the middle.

Anyway, so what am I thinking now that six years has passed? Well, a lot has happened. Both good and bad. I guess that would be the case regardless of all 'that' though. One part of me feels it was pretty much a necessity that I was let go. Things had gone too far and I knew long before the sabbatical that I needed to leave. So in that sense I don't blame anyone but myself for what happened. I stayed too long.

On the other hand, as necessary as it may have been, I still don't understand why it was handled the way it was. I guess the people responsible are no better than I though... and my only hope is that they may regret how things ended too. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we will ever know for sure.

What bothers me most is that it didn't need to impact so many people, and for so long. I mean, I know I was going to be pissed and say a bunch of stupid and hurtful things, but to totally abandon my family... that just seems uncalled for. Whether that's my fault or not, I don't know. But I don't like it.

At any rate, before I wrote this this morning, I read my devotions from N.T. Wright's "John For Everyone" on the text of John 8:12-20. This is where Jesus tells the Pharisees he is the "light of the world." They, of course, don't believe him. Then Wright sums up with this...

"Are you ever tempted to reject the light? As you read John 8, do you ever find yourself siding with the Pharisees? Have we all, perhaps, allowed ourselves to forget just how deep the darkness goes within each of us, not least when we are called to be God's people for the world but decide to turn this calling into a privilege for ourselves?"

Damn... guilty as charged. People make mistakes. Me, you, and everyone else. I think I've come to accept my share of the blame for the situation, and I don't even hold what happened against anyone. It happened. We're humans. Life goes on. Yet, I can only pray that someday God would soften my heart to be able to forgive... whether it is ever asked for or not. When I think of the pain my wife and daughter, especially, have suffered, and how different the lives of my grandchildren might be... and so much else... It might not be anyone's fault, but that doesn't make what happened any less sad.

So, it's been six years. So what, I guess. I honestly do not think about it anymore. I can't imagine if we were still there. I do, though, wish I could savor some of the memories. Maybe someday...

Regular routine right now

I have not been doing a very good job of keeping up on the blog here lately. It seems time has been slipping away this summer... again. Anyway, I thought today would be a good day to simply jot down some of the places it's going. Or, in other words, for posterity's sake, 'how am I spending my time at this point in life?'

FITNESS

• I'm going into my second month of working out regularly using the eGYM equipment where I work. The more I use this, the more I like it. For years I have wanted to start doing weight training, and this is the perfect way to do it! The equipment literally does everything for you (except lift the weights)! There are no adjustments of any kind to be made. So on Monday and Friday I do three circuits through on the eight machines. On Wednesdays I generally just do 1 (because I also have a medium run as well). I can tell it's made a difference in my strength, and even though it may not be visibly noticeable, it has converted some fat to muscle.
• Running has jumped up a notch too. I've started training for my second marathon, and while I have done a couple double-digit long runs already, after this next Saturday they will all be that way until late September. Tuesdays and Thursdays are just 3-4 mile runs, Wednesdays vary from 6-8, and Saturdays are the long ones. I did 12 miles this past Saturday. Next week it drops to 9. After that I will run at least a half-marathon or more every week until just a few weeks before the race on the last weekend of September. I am beginning to feel the grind... but this is what I do.
• I honestly haven't been stretching as much as I used to. I still try to go through some basic yoga moves in the morning (when I have time). I do stretch a little after my running, but not much. Before running I have been doing either jumping jacks, jumping rope, or the Stair Master. I need to use the foam roller more, but... dang, that thing hurts! Maybe I will again one of these days.

WORK

• The Y still continues to frustrate me. Mostly just my boss. Of course, that's probably how it is for most people. During normal weeks I am still working 5 am - 1 pm on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Then on Wednesday and Friday I work 5 am - 9 am. If I didn't have the parking lot detail I could easily add another shift or two just about every week (though I can't go over 40 hours).
• Speaking of the parking lot... Ugh. There are only something like 30 homes games left, so at least there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I've honestly just given up on trying to make it any kind of ministry. Every now and then someone will volunteer to help, but for the most part I don't even care. It's just easier not having to worry about whether they will show up or not, whether they are capable of doing it or not, or where they will put the money and signs and everything else. Of course, that means I will usually be there about 3 hours for every home game, plus the counting and recording of the money and statistics, as well as changing the money out for the next game. Oh, and did I mention it is all VOLUNTARY? I know... it's "for the kids." What I don't know is exactly who or what that means... Oh well. (and we just got done with a 7-game home stand last night, so I am especially tired).
• I do also still meet with two pastors I am associated with. Both are on Wednesdays. So, even though it's only a half day at the Y, Wednesday is still pretty much a full day. Friday is the only weekday that's a truly half day. When I get off at 9 am there is no workout and nowhere else I generally have to be. I try to spend the rest of that day reading, cleaning the house, and recuperating and preparing for my long run on Saturday.

RECREATION

• It occurred to me the other day that I really don't have much of a recreational life in the summer. Between work, the parking lot, and running... that's about all I've got time for. By the time I get done with my long runs on Saturdays I am basically just toast. This is where I feel I need to make some changes, because I think this is where I'm losing steam.
• I don't really have much in the way of friends anymore. There is no one I work with I consider a friend. I do enjoy some conversations with some of the members who come into work, but it's not much more than that. Tom is certainly a long-time friend, but we only get together at our weekly breakfasts. Otherwise... other than Jane, and an occasional dinner out with another couple... there's no one to laugh with, or joke with, or talk about politics, sports, religion... or life in general. I kind of miss that, but it also seems like kind of a hassle at times too. Ugh.
• Relaxation is probably what I need the most though. I feel stressed - not from stress - but from a lack of rest. This is where I probably need to make changes on the weekend. I really NEED Saturday afternoons and evenings to recover not only from the week, but from my long runs. I don't know if it's more of a mental thing or a physical thing, but it seems like there is always something going on. And, actually, Jane and I have yet to spend a Saturday night for just the two of us to sit and listen to music and people-watch at the library (which is one of my favorite things). And I'm certainly not blaming anyone but myself - just noting to myself that I need to be more diligent (or get over it).
• It seems a little odd to list Sunday under the 'recreation' heading but... I don't know where else to put it. Sunday is not a very restful day anymore for me either. I wish now I hadn't taken on the responsibility of lining people up to participate in the service at church. It's just one more thing to worry about, and... I don't know... I've just not been feeling it. Still. Honestly, I think some of the stress is that I have certain responsibilities now, but I have no authority. And I'm not going to 'take' authority, but I don't foresee anyone 'giving' me any either. It's just a little awkward asking people to do things and I feel like they're like, "Who the heck are you? And why are YOU asking me?" Anyway, this is a whole other issue, but more and more I've been toying with the idea of just taking a break from church. I know it's a dangerous notion (especially for me), but something needs to change.

Okay....... well, that was way more than I expected it to be. Especially that last section. I actually started this post yesterday and intended it to be much shorter and more precise. Fatigue from early mornings and late nights and HOT, HOT, HOT weather has a pretty good grip on my mind and body right now. So, I should probably just stop writing.

That's all. For now.

Monday morning miniscules

I think every day last week I was going to post some sort of "tidbits" type thing. Wednesday Words, Thursday Thoughts, Friday Fragments, etc... I made it back around to Monday, so I guess it's 'miniscules.' I think that's a proper term for "mini thoughts." Either which way, that's about all I can seem to muster at the moment.

• I don't know how it is I seem so busy anymore. I mean, I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life, yet I seem busier than I've ever been. It makes no sense.

• I suppose the summer baseball schedule doesn't help. At least the minor league season is almost half over. The middle of June will mark 35 of the 70 home games scheduled. I still do enjoy working the parking lot. It's dealing with volunteers, staff, and the money that are the difficult parts for me.

• My marathon training started last week. I follow an 18-week program of 4 days running per week. Last week was 3 miles on Tuesday and Thursday, 5 miles on Wednesday, and 8 miles Saturday. This week will be the same but I add a mile on Saturday.

• I feel good except I can't seem to shake the blister on my right foot. I had it in the same exact spot last year and I just can't pinpoint what's causing it. It's between the ball of my foot and my big toe. It doesn't really hurt or anything, but it's annoying and takes time to "deal with" every day. This weekend I ordered some of those "toe socks" that I will wear for my long runs at least.

• Another thing I've become involved in is the 'preaching team' at church. I think there are 6 of us (including the pastor). One thing I'd been encouraging the pastor to do was to preach less on Sunday mornings. He already knew he should, but it's one of those things he enjoys, and I think it's maybe hard for him to let other people do it. So it may be a big step for everyone involved. Anyway, about every 5th week or so one of the other of us will preach that Sunday. There are 4 men and 2 women, and all of us have experience with public speaking, and all the men have served as pastors at some point. It will be interesting, but I'm not overly confident in it ever coming to fruition. We'll see.

• On a completely different note... one morning last week I mistakenly woke up at 2:45 a.m. and thought it was 3:45. My alarm goes off at 3:50 a.m., and I will often wake up just before. I thought that's what happened. Just as I was leaving for work I checked the calendar on my phone and it said I was to be at work in an hour and a half. I was like, "what?!" Sure enough, it was only 3:30, instead of 4:30. It's really hard to take an hour nap at 3:30 in the morning after getting yourself ready to GO. Anyway, I sat on the couch with the cat and maybe got in a 10-minute "cat nap."

•  I am writing this at work on a Monday morning and I was just interrupted by several people wanting to chat. One is the bike mechanic across from me who has traveled the world and leads an interesting life, and the other two are members who come to the Y to work out. Anyway, for as much as I get discouraged by my boss, I actually really like working here. It allows me to rub shoulders with some quite interesting characters. Of course, I'm sure I will want to quit by the end of the day...

•  I almost forgot that Jane and Carrie (and the kids) went back to Illinois this past weekend to visit my parents. They both ran in the 1st ever 5k in Buda, and Jane was actually the first woman finisher! She said it was the most difficult 5k she'd ever run due to hills and a few logistical elements, and she wasn't very happy with her time. But still... she won!

I suppose I could go on for some time now that I've actually taken the time to write. That's the way it goes, and why I need to be better about forcing something out on a more regular basis again. We'll see. Now I should probably do some work... so here's a thought I've been pondering since Friday:

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincare

Friday frazzle (for you three)

I heard a joke some time ago. It goes like this:
"There may be no 'I' in 'team,' but there's three of you ("u") in 'Shut the f*&k up!"

I apologize for the (alleged) foul language, but that sentiment has been running through my veins lately. I have been frazzled and I've run out of more than just bubble gum... I simply can't LISTEN or be around people anymore!

Rest assured, today has been better. It's my short day of work (5 am - 9 am), and we're heading into a three-day weekend. But the last two weeks have taken their toll on me. I was running pretty ragged the last few days.

The reasons have to do with work changes, church responsibilities, and my own issues with setting boundaries.

WORK CHANGES
We got some new equipment at work, and it has completely changed my day-to-day job (though I'm not sure anyone knows this, much less the negative effect it is having on me). Not only had I just taken on more responsibility in the membership area of my job, but with this new equipment we are now required to take everyone through a 30-minute orientation to use it. I have lost track of how many people we've processed, but just in the first three days we had taken over 100 people through the orientation. This requires much more of me, but also the addition of more staff.

I used to be the only staff person there for the first 2-4 hours of each day. Lately there has been someone there an hour after I arrive, and while I like this person and they are good at what they do, they talk NON-STOP!

So, not only am I not there by myself, but I have more responsibilities (with the new equipment and onboarding), I have to deal with new staff, and there are just more people in general. I know it's not the end of the world, but quite honestly, IT WEARS ME OUT. Being around people wears me out, the work wears me out, simply having to listen to someone talk to me wears me out.

Again, it's not that I dislike the work, or the people... but it puts a strain on someone with my personality. I honestly don't know how much more of it I can take.

CHURCH RESPONSIBILITIES
On top of this, there are the added responsibilities at church. I have started meeting with the pastor once a week. He is a great person, but... we are kind of two very different people. So it's a bit of a challenge for me trying to be helpful to him. And I want to be... It's just going to take some time.

We are also now doing the weekly chore of trying to find someone to pray for each Sunday service, as well as three people to help with communion each week. While it's not terribly difficult, it's just another thing to do.

Plus we just ended an eight-game home stand last night doing the parking lot for the minor league baseball team. That means - at least - I have to have the money bag ready, set up the parking lot, and collect the money after the game... for each and every game. Some nights I work the parking lot too (either alone or with Jane). It's usually at least 8 pm by the time I'm done, and I have to get up at 3:50 a.m. each morning.

BOUNDARIES
I think you can probably surmise that the common thread in the first two parts of this are... my struggle with setting boundaries for myself. I know how much I can take, and I've been spreading myself too thin. Especially with my marathon training beginning next week!

So... what I need to work at is:

• Better communication with my boss. I will be the first to admit, I have a hard time talking to him. I don't have a lot of respect for him, and whether that's warranted or not, I need to be better about speaking for myself and communicating well. There is no room for pouting or the proving-of-points.
• The parking lot responsibility has got to go. I have already shared with the pastor that this will be my last year being responsible for the parking lot for baseball games. While I actually do enjoy working the lot during games, it is more work than I anticipated. That's made worse by a string of games all in a row. It just doesn't jibe well with my sleep schedule. Plus, the time commitment is more than I care to commit to. Mostly, though, is that I think I would rather spend my time on "church stuff" in the area of actual kingdom/disciple-making stuff, rather than making money for... wherever it is it goes.
• In general, though, I just need to continue working at speaking my mind without being rude or overly sensitive. It's difficult for me to set boundaries because I am overly afraid of hurting someone's feelings. However, that also makes me prone to just be downright mean when I let it build up for too long. It's a problem I've always had, and while I may make strides here and there, it's something I still need to work on.

So, there ya go. That's where I'm at on this Friday. Yesterday seemed to last a decade, but at least there is hope for tomorrow. Hopefully.

Now, for you three...

Painting the church entryway

Jane and I painted the entryway to the church building this week. Technically we only painted two walls - the two with drywall - and didn't have enough paint to do the two brick walls. Still, it looks much nicer than it did.

This was something we had thought about doing, because it just looked so hideously terrible. One day the pastor said something about it, and I said we had just been talking about it. It turns out, someone had bought the paint to do it a year ago but had just never gotten around to it. So we used the already-purchased paint, and it all worked out.

Jane did the taping and put on the first coat on Thursday night while I did the parking lot for a baseball game. I put the second coat on the next afternoon after I got off work.

I will be surprised if anyone ever gets around to bothering with the brick walls, but like I said, it looks way nicer just with these two done. So, while it's not a big thing, it was something.

Striking out in the parking lot

I am in year two as the volunteer coordinator for our church parking lot (during minor league baseball games). If I make it to the end of the year - and that's a pretty big "if" at the moment - this will also be my final year. I informed the pastor yesterday.

I admit, maybe this was a bad idea to begin with. When the church was searching for someone last year, it seemed like a good idea. I am dependable and trustworthy. I thought this would be the perfect way for me to serve in the church, as well as maybe help me build some confidence that I could actually take on a project again (successfully).

Unfortunately, only a month into the season and I am frustrated, making other people frustrated, and I have no joy. Part of me wishes I could quit now, but the other part recognizes that's not fair to the church or myself.

The problem: Well, I know I am over-reacting, and also way too sensitive. I was told when I started that they had a bad system, which is why the last person quit. So over the course of last season and into this one I tried to gradually install some subtle changes to make things better. As is the case with most things though - especially church things - those changes are ruffling some feathers and I'm just not in the mood to deal with it anymore. For a church that is so non-traditional, they sure have a lot of tradionalism.

Other than the others, though, the biggest problem is me. I simply don't want to deal with it anymore. I consider the experiment a failure and it's time to move on. It did not instill confidence but instead has made me realize I struggle getting along with certain types of people. Even though I actually do enjoy working in the parking lot, that's apparently not what "they" want. Ultimately, it's too hard on me trying to deal with people who aren't happy with me or who are constantly trying to undermine what I do.

So, I will do things the way the "powers that be" want them done, try to find some joy in the remaining games I work the lot, and the rest of the time do my best to keep my tail between my legs. It's unfortunate, but not the end of the world. I failed, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure.

And there ya go.