8 skills to cultivate joy

I ran across this article 'From Gloom to Gratitude: 8 Skills To Cultivate Joy' while waiting to get off work today. While it appears to be geared more towards caregivers - particularly those with the stressful job of taking care of a loved one with dementia - it seems quite useful for just about anyone dealing with stress or gloom.

Personally, I seem to have found myself stressing over stress lately - what with a new line of equipment and more responsibility at work, and some at church - and I thought this worth remembering for myself.

You can read the entire article by clicking above (it's fairly short), but here is a quick summary of the eight techniques used in study that they found helped cultivate joy:

1. Take a moment to identify one positive event each day.
2. Tell someone about the positive event or share it on social media. This can help you savor the moment a little longer.
3. Start a daily gratitude journal. Aim to find little things you're grateful for, such as a good cup of coffee, a pretty sunrise or nice weather.
4. Identify a personal strength and reflect on how you've used this strength today or in recent weeks.
5. Set a daily goal and track your progress. "This is based on research that shows when we feel progress towards a goal, we have more positive emotions," Moskowitz says. The goal should not be too lofty. You want to be able to perceive progress.
6. Try to practice "positive reappraisal": Identify an event or daily activity that is a hassle. Then, try to reframe the event in a more positive light. Example: If you're stuck in traffic, try to savor the quiet time. If you practice this enough, it can start to become a habit.
7. Do something nice for someone else each day. These daily acts of kindness can be as simple as giving someone a smile or giving up your seat on a crowded train. Research shows we feel better when we're kind to others.
8. Practice mindfulness by paying attention to the present moment. You can also try a 10-minute breathing exercise that uses a focus on breathing to help calm the mind.

Emotional rescue

Lately I've been thinking and researching about understanding and processing emotions. More specifically, MY emotions!

I believe most of my depression issues (or 'sadness' even) are due to trying to inhibit my emotions for much of my life. I convince myself I am wrong for feeling this way or that, so I attempt to stifle any and all emotions, and that stuff has to come out in the wash somehow (almost always negatively).

I do have to admit, now that I've stopped taking Sertraline as a "mood stabilizer," I find I'm a bit more sensitive - or anxious - when I start to feel one way or the other. For instance, if I find myself getting angry, I immediately think, "Oh no! Here it comes again! I knew I couldn't live without being drugged!" Rather than understanding and accepting that everyone gets angry sometimes, I tend to freak out.

I remember one of the things I liked best about one particular counselor I had - he helped me feel okay about how I was feeling. If I was sad, he helped me understand that, yes, I should be feeling sad. If I got angry, there was usually a legitimate reason to be angry. It was not wrong to feel the way I felt, but the challenge was what to do then.

Anyway... I stumbled upon this article by Gregg Henriques, professor of psychology at James Madison University: 'Understanding Emotions and How to Process Them.' This is exactly the sort of thing I was trying to find, and I think it a good place to start for anyone struggling with such. It's mostly something I want to remind myself to revisit now and then.

The article starts off with:

"The mental health of our society is far from ideal. Rates of stress, depression and anxiety are increasing. The data on college students is especially troubling. There are likely many reasons for this increase, including fast paced, rapidly changing society, increasingly levels of social loneliness and isolation, misguided attempts to medicate negative feelings, and existential confusion about the truths of the human condition. But perhaps the central reason I see is that people seem deeply confused about the nature of negative emotions and how to process them."

Yes! As for me and my mind, this is what I need!

So, this is where I have started. We'll see how it goes...

Up and running again

I ran today for the first time since last Friday. It went well.

The foot has been getting better each day. I started off taking 2 ibuprofin Monday, then I just took one with my 8 am breakfast each day after that. I took one today too - just because I could still notice something was there when I woke up this morning. I have been walking on it fine for a couple days now - once I take the ibuprofin.

So, I ran 3 miles at between 6.2-7.5 mph, then walked the rest of an hour, plus I did 10 minutes on the stairclimber.

As for being UP... well, that's because I am no longer feeling any effects of the zoloft/sertraline. My head feels.... strangely clear. I mean, I can literally feel a difference in my thought process, and just the simple 'feel.' I also seem to have more energy throughout the day.

So, while waiting for the now-certain next impending catastrophe to strike... I'm doing pretty well both physically and mentally. :)

Hello, it's me (goodbye sertraline)

Todd Rundgren's, "Hello, It's Me" seems the perfect title and parameter for this first truly post-Sertraline post (Youtube link). It has forever been one of those songs that from the first note puts me back in the Keds of my youth, running free and easy with seasons in the sun in the nine-teen seventies (re: Terry Jacks/Neil Young/etc).

I am now one week removed from my Sertraline (Zoloft) addiction. I have weaned my mind and body from a high of 100 mg a day, down to 50mg, to 25 mg, and the last one was last Saturday (or thereabouts).

The week was a bit long(er) and strang(er) than I'd anticipated... but I do believe I have survived. It should now be entirely out of my system, and... I feel (fairly) fine.

I was hoping there would be no withdrawal symptoms at all, but after taking it non-stop for 6 years or so, I guess my mind and body did need some time to adjust. The worst of it was the dizziness/unsteadiness/jerkiness and minor flu-like feelings. I also had a bit of the prickling/tingling sensation, and a couple irratibility episodes. Oddly enough, my head felt alright, but my body had a harder time. Something I didn't expect was my blood pressure jumping all over the place. I am thinking random feelings of anxiety/anxiousness contributed to this. Fortunately I was able to keep an eye on it at work several times a day, but it went pretty high for a couple days, then dropped kind of low. At any rate, it has evened back out, and the feelings of weirdness have grown less and less each day.

To be honest, Thursday night I had a bit of a fit where I got overly irritated about something that didn't matter. I think it was a combination of being in a noisy/chaotic environment (small bar/restaurant) and letting myself get worked up. I was super bummed when it happened, because flashing before my eyes were all these thoughts of, "Dammit, I was really hoping I could do this," to "I should have known I can't ever be normal again." Say what you want, but I'm wondering if the biggest stigma of depression and anxiety issues isn't among the sufferers. Those feelings of being broken, and not good enough, and having something forever wrong with you... They can be pretty overwhelming.

I think, though... I think... I just might be alright... maybe. I've been working at reading helpful articles and books, meditation, exercise, and positive self-talk/thought. I'm searching for the Silence at the center of sound again. God knows I'm not there... but I hope. I really hope. I'm going in the right direction.

So, yeah, this past week... I got mad a couple times. I also cried a couple times at things that touched my heart (you have no idea how great that felt). Is it because I stopped my mood 'stabilizer'? I fucking hope so!!! I feel like I can feel again! I can't describe it, but I have missed that feeling. Because... I kind of think... that's who I am, who I was, and who I'm supposed to be. I just hope everyone else is okay with it.

One other thing of note: I told a few significant people in my life about what I was doing. Jane was obviously one, as well as a friend I talk with about the deeper things of life on a regular basis, and a co-worker. I wanted opinions other than my own as to whether I was doing okay or not. That's one of the bad things about not trusting yourself - you're usually not a good judge of yourself. I felt I needed to be as vulnerable and open and honest as I could be. And, hopefully, I can continue to do so. 

Anyway, so, this happened. It probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme, but it's a big deal to me. It feels like progress. Almost like resurrection. Repentance for sure.

We'll see what happens.

Anti-depressant update

I've been trying to wean myself off the Zoloft/Sertraline I've been taking for... too many years. It is actually classified as a "mood stabilizer" more than an anti-depressant. I've found that it seems to render me more emotionless than anything. And I'm tired of feeling like a zombie. That, along with some of the other side effects, are why I would like to try to go without (In other words, this started before the current book I'm reading).

I have taken either this or Celexa off and on since the late 1990's. There have been a few events in there that gave rise to the need, but at this point it seems I mostly just taken them because... I've always taken them. So I thought I'd give it a go without.

The most I've ever had to take was 100 mg of Sertraline. I have continued to get prescriptions for 100 mg, but for some time I have split them in half (50 mg). When I decided to try to stop, at first I tried going every other day with 50 mg. That felt a bit like a roller coaster, so I decided to quarter them and take 25 mg each day for a week or so. I'm not quite yet a week into it.

I do have to say, I can feel it in my head. I don't know how else to describe it. It's just a weirdness. Sometimes unsteady. I don't feel suicidal or anything; just different. So I'm hoping this is simply part of the adjustment phase, and that in another week it will be gone and I can stop altogether. It's also true that I've been fighting some type of sickness - probably what Jane had last weekend. So I haven't felt great physically in general.

At any rate, the plan is... one more week of 25 mg each day, and then stop. If the weirdness doesn't go away by the middle of next week, I may have to reconsider this plan and go back to 50 mg. I'm trying not to give in already though. So we will see...

It's not in your head

I should have included this in my post yesterday from the beginning pages of Johann Hari's book 'Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions.' In the introduction he lays out not only his early beliefs about depression and anxiety, but what most of the world commonly thought as well. So, here's some of what he says (which is better than I could summarize):

"The forces that are making some of us depressed and severely anxious are, at the same time, making even more people unhappy. It turns out there IS a continuum between unhappiness and depression. They're still very different - in the same way that losing a finger in a car accident is different from losing an arm, and falling over in the street is different from falling off a cliff. But they are connected. Depression and anxiety, I was going to learn, are only the sharpest edges of a spear that has been thrust into almost everyone in our culture. That's why even people who are not depressed or severely anxious will recognize a lot of what I'm about to describe..." (p. 13)

"We have been systematically misinformed about what depression and anxiety are.

I had believed two stories about depression in my life. For the first eighteen years of my life, I had thought of it as 'all in my head' -- meaning it was not real, it was imaginary, fake, an indulgence, an embarrassment, a weakness. Then, for the next thirteen years, I believed it was 'all in my head' in a very different way -- it was due to a malfunctioning brain.

But I was going to learn that neither of these stories is true. The primary cause of all this rising depression and anxiety is not in our heads. It is, I discovered, largely in the world, and the way we are living in it. I learned there are at least nine proven causes of depression and anxiety (although nobody had brought them together like this before), and many of them are rising all around us -- causing us to feel radically worse..." (p. 14)

And this is what the book is about. The nine causes of depression and anxiety are "disconnections." I shared them before. They are:

• Disconnection from Meaningful Work
• Disconnection from Other People
• Disconnection from Meaningful Values
• Disconnection from Childhood Trauma
• Disconnection from Status and Respect
• Disconnection from the Natural World
• Disconnection from a Hopeful or Secure Future
• Causes 8 and 9: The Real Role of Genes and Brain Changes

So, over the course of however long, I will share snippets from each, and then the resulting "re-connections" we need to make. Unless, of course, I get tired of it. If you're interested you should probably just buy the book...

At any rate, I still go back and forth on things. One minute I think this is all hogwash, and then in the next I think it is right on the money. Whichever is the case, even given these findings are correct, the "fix" - if you will - is a little depressing in and of itself. Yet... it's still worth exploring. I think.

Anna's birthday, and other things

What the what? For ten days now I've been telling myself I need to sit down and write something... when I get home. Yet it seems every day I get home and I'm tired and worn out and no longer in the mood. So I'm forcing myself to write something now. What it will be, I don't yet know.

ANNA TURNS 8
I do know I need to make note of granddaughter Anna's 8th birthday. That happened on Wednesday 1/23. We joined the Feipel Five at the mall so we could enjoy Anna's birthday supper choice of Panda Express. As evidenced by the pic above, she was in a good mood.

I believe she was having some friends over this morning, and tomorrow afternoon we will go to their house for ice cream.

Rather than write something myself, this year I will include a piece her mother wrote about her:

“I’m glad I don’t have to go anywhere today because a bunch of people will pretend to be so excited that it’s my birthday and I won’t want to talk to them.” She’s still shy. She still doesn’t talk to people she doesn’t know. And she still doesn’t like being outside of her comfort zone. BUT, her comfort zone has grown exponentially this past year and her circle of people she’ll talk to has grown by about 500. Okay, maybe not quite, but these last 365 days were days of growth for our Anna. She’s still goofy as all get out when we’re at home but is pretty quiet and a great rule follower while we’re out and about (although I think some silliness has even been leaking out at school this year). I cannot wait to see what this next year holds for her. Watching her grow up is such a treat - even if she can’t take a serious picture so save her life 😂🤣❤️ #8isgreat #birthdaypost

DEPRESSED
One of the reasons I haven't written anything lately is because, honestly, I've been in a hole. Sure, I can still function - go to work, chit-chat, and whatnot - but it's not been much fun. I am not excited or interested in much of anything. So I spend my days doing crossword puzzles and playing Yahtzee.

I don't know why it's so hard for people to just say they're depressed (myself included). It happens. I've been taking my medicine, but I've been dwelling on regrets and feeling sorry for myself. My job doesn't help either. Which, I know, is my own fault for being in this position.

Anyway, it is what it is. Life goes on. Somehow...

RUNNING/KNEE
I actually did not run or do any exercise on Wednesday and Thursday of this week. I just wasn't into it. Also, my left knee has been bothering me for a week or two. Nothing serious, but I must have aggravated something under the kneecap. I'm wondering if adding the rowing machine and Stairmaster to my workouts is the problem.

It's nothing serious, and I'm sure it will be fine eventually, but I think this has added to my mood somewhat.

BOOKS
I did finally finish Greg Boyd's 'Cross Vision: How the Crucifixion of Jesus Makes Sense of Old Testament Violence.' It was quite interesting, and I liked it, even if it wasn't the easiest read for me. I had plans to share a few more posts about it. We'll see.

I am now well into Scott  Jurek's 'North: Finding My Way While Running the Appalachian Trail.' Isaac and Ricci got me this for Christmas. I am really enjoying it. I need to read more books like this. I can kind of lose myself in the story, and I like it.

----

So, that's what's been happening for the most part. Well, along with watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. We've also had another couple snows that required the snow blower, and it's gotten kind of chilly now and then. Winter in the Midwest.

Well, I can't think of anything else, so I guess it's time to stop.

Random thoughts #466 (taking a backseat)

Hopefully no one is actually keeping track of the number of my 'random thoughts' posts. If you are, then you officially have less of a life than me. Anyway, here are some things currently on my mind...

SEATS
The pic is of the back seat out of my Ford Escape. This is the vehicle I use to drive for Uber. I'd read about this "miracle Do-It-Yourself cleaner" and thought I would give it a try. The cloth seats had a few spots from spillage and normal wear and tear, so I mixed up the vinegar, club soda, and Dawn dishwashing soap, sprayed it on, and it seemed to work pretty good. Unfortunately, several days later and there is still a fairly strong vinegar odor in the car. Not enough to make me sick, but so much so that I wouldn't want to pick up any Uber riders and risk poor ratings. So, after trying several different methods to remove the stench, I finally just removed the seats and washed the covers out in the shower. Hopefully this will help.

SPEAKING OF BACK SEATS...
This seems to be how my life has been going for some time now. I keep hoping for a "win" of some sort, but I continue losing instead. My confidence sinks lower, my countenance more somber, and it's getting harder and harder to keep the chin up. Something needs to change... but I'm tired. I've been telling myself to just sit back and lay low; walk humbly and not try to force anything. Folding towels at the Y seems to be one of my biggest joys lately - because I can actually do that! Yet I am inevitably reminded of how far I've fallen and disappointment stairs me down again and again. So... I trudge on. Slowly.

WORK
Part of my problem is work. And, please understand, I am aware ALL of my problem is of my own doing. It's no one else's fault. Much of it is contained within my own mind even. However, work has me worn down a bit at the moment. The Y does not pay well. I could make more money flipping burgers at McDonalds. It does afford me a place to go and interact with people without having to risk too much thinking or getting outside myself though. I am, however, a tad worn down from the schedule. We are presently short-handed, so I've been trying to help out as much as I can. Yet, as the "morning guy," it seems I'm having to work a lot of closing shifts. So, while I still only get 30-some hours a week, an example of my shedule is: tonight I work from 4-8 pm; tomorrow I work 5 am to 1 pm, then come back and work 5-8 pm; then Friday it's 5-9 AM again. If I can get the smell out of my car I will then add some hours of driving in there where I can. I can't complain about the number of hours, or even the difficulty of the work, but it is not overly inspiring, and most of the time I feel like a zombie walking around.

A 'THING'
Yesterday someone was telling me about when they took a Toastmasters class. I actually think what they were doing was trying to suggest I needed to do something to make myself more.... I don't know..... interesting. I've sensed myself crawling into a shell, and this conversation seemed to confirm others saw it too. So, I started looking into Toastmasters, or an Udemy course on public speaking or writing or something.

To be honest, a Toastmasters meeting scares me to death. I cannot imagine walking into a roomful of people and speaking in front of them. I don't understand how I used to do it on such a regular basis. So maybe an Udemy course...

I think the thing is, though, I need a "thing." I need to find something I can DO again. I don't feel like I can write or speak anymore; I'm struggling as a runner and my left foot has been bothering me; I simply don't have the chops or understanding to play the guitar (and haven't done so, basically since I stopped pastoring). I don't like to cook, sew, work on cars, or anything of the like. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or interests of any kind. I just go to work, come home and watch 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy,' and then go to bed. I don't think playing 'Yahtzee' on my phone counts for anything.

THE CARWASH
I suppose this is pretty sad, but if I'm honest, my biggest joy in life at the moment is pulling into the carwash. Since I'm a "club" member, I get to use a special entrance. So I can drive right past everyone who has to pay, and there's this little part of me that feels just a little superior as I do. I know it's not right, but that's my little power trip. Ugh. It looks worse as printed words...

CONSOLATION
Before anyone starts to feel too bad for me, please understand this is actually part of my "fix." Regardless of how good or bad this blog is, it has always been a place for me to write out my inner issues and that is often impetus enough to help me move forward. Yes, this spot may require more help - and I'm still looking in that direction - but just so everyone knows: I don't write these things to garner pitty, but to process my "stuff."

Things I take away from this dose of drivel:

• I'd like to stop drinking again, and maybe deactivate my Facebook account for awhile (FB would be harder than drinking - I rely on it too much for Uber and other activities).
• Sign up for an Udemy class on public speaking or writing.
• Read a novel or some kind of fiction.

Those seem easy enough, but pretty dern daunting at the same time. Maybe just making the list is a good enough place to start. At least it's something to look at.

{Elaine to Puddy: "So you're just going to sit there and stare at the back of the seat?" Puddy: "Yeah."}

Depressed

I guess I must just be depressed. It's not all the time, and I recently upped my Sertraline dosage which brought me out of the deep. I simply have no desire though. I don't really care to do anything, go anywhere, or read or learn or run or... pretty much everything. I play a lot of Yahtzee on my phone - at work, at home, just passing the time. Waiting.

So, there, I said it. This is one of those rambles I'm hoping will help by writing it out. The last thing I want is pity, or sympothy, or people to be dejected around me. I am simply facing the fact. I actually feel okay mentally/emotionally. I've been kind of run down physically lately. I've got an ear/throat discomfort going on right now that's more a nuisance than anything. Just some bug I'm fighting I suppose. But I want to want again. I want to enjoy things. I want to look forward to things. I want to be interested in things.

I guess this is my prayer, Lord. Please speak. Help me hear. Amen.

Up the down weekend

The devil bastard.

It was an up and down weekend. I was planning to visit my parents in Illinois but I developed a cold towards the end of the week and decided to cancel. So it started off pretty down. I did a lot of staring.

ZOMBIE KIOSK
I only had to work three hours on Friday because I'd worked the previous Saturday. So instead of driving to Illinois, and since I was not feeling good, I went home and plopped in the recliner. It was almost 70 degrees outside but I was a zombie. I never did actually sleep, but just sat there and stared at the TV (or the wall, I dunno) all afternoon in the dark. My mind started to darken.

See, they delivered 'the kiosk' at work Friday morning. I haven't been given many details at all about it, but two construction guys were there to unload it off the truck. They planned to put it in Friday afternoon, but apparently didn't get around to it. Anyway, they were kidding me about it being my replacement and they put my business card on the front of it and were calling it Dan the whole time they were there. I know they were just joking, but given all the secrecy and confusion surrounding it, it's not very funny to me.

So I sat at home and sulked and stewed and the later it got the more worthless I felt. Pretty soon I'd convinced myself I would never be able to hold a job again. I ended up staying awake in the recliner until around 5:30 the next morning - I just could not shut my brain down and fall asleep.

Saturday morning Jane went somewhere so I was alone again, and the descent continued. It wasn't like I was suicidal, but I just honestly felt like I didn't know if I could function anymore. I finally made myself put some clothes on and get out of the chair. It was another unusually warm day - the whole weekend was in the mid to upper 60's - so I gradually started cleaning the house and picking up sticks in the yard and eventually realized I was still alive. It was a long day and a half though. I do not like those dark days.

SUNDAY
I've probably stated this before but I have always had a love for Sundays. It has been especially good lately. I like being able to sleep in and get to the church gathering at an agreeable hour for me. We start at 10:30 and it only takes us 10 minutes to get there. I feel so good during the service. Lately I've even been able to envision myself starting to get involved in things again - at least while we're at church. I feel hopeful and positive and it's just a good feeling during the service. At least at the church we are presently attending.

SUNDAY NIGHT PARTY
On this particular Sunday we also hosted a party in the evening. We invited some of the young families from the church I used to pastor. They are all around the age of Drew Carrie (and they were there too). Including us there were 24 altogether. 9 were adults and 15 were kids ranging in age from 2-15. Jane made bbq and everyone brought a dish to share, and we had a great time. The kids were able to play outside until it got dark, and then they all played in the basement. The adults squeezed around the kitchen table for the most part. Jane and I didn't do a lot of talking, but we enjoyed the heck out of just listening and seeing everyone. A couple times I found myself just staring, and smiling. I was partly remembering how fun it used to be to have all these kids running around the church, but I was also marveling at the people they were turning into. Some of them I hadn't seen for four years I suppose, and they were all soooooo good. This was a good feeling for me. It did my heart good. Sure, there were things I wanted to say or ask, but they were things that didn't have all that much to do with life anymore, so it was nice just to hang. Really nice.

AND THEN...
And then when I tried to go to bed last night... I couldn't fall asleep again. My mind was stuck on work again. Part of the problem is that I know the ridiculousness of the situation. I do not have a bad job, but I just feel such angst and uncertainty.

EXPECTATIONS
Ultimately, I know in my head the crux of the problem comes down to me and my expectations. I remember from the last time I was in counseling being told the way to contentment was dependent on reality/expectations. We either need to change our reality (which we can't really do, contrary to what you hear today), or we need to change our expectations. That is by and large my biggest issue right now. I am placing expectations on others that are not being met. And it's not THEIR fault they're not meeting MY expectations. So, while it's nice to know, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with.


Well, that's about all there is to say about that. I was pretty low at the end of the week, then very high, and then back to low again at the start of this week. I've been trying to do the Brother Lawrence thing of 'practicing the presence' of God lately. It helps sometimes, but I always end up forgetting at some point. So, try, try again.

Awkwardness

This morning I was reminded of this great little post from Sammy Rhodes: "6 Ways to Love A Depressed Person." I've shared it before, and shared it on Facebook this morning, but I wanted to copy it in its entirety here today for fear it may not always be available for public perusal.

First off let me just say, I do not know Sammy at all, but I greatly appreciate his brief insights here in regard to those of us who suffer in such a way.

Secondly, the one thing I might take exception to is the fact that anyone can actually LOVE a depressed person. Yes, we can be tolerated, cared about, tended to, and dealt with... but I would say most people do not really want to be around depressed people. I know I don't! Although semantics would suggest 'loving' and 'wanting to be around' are two different things. I still often hear the words of a "friend" from my Sophomore year of high school. We were riding the bus to a football game and he stated very honestly and with no ill intention, "Man, you make me depressed just being around you." Yeah... I know. And in my best Eeyore voice I said inside, "Thanks for noticing me." Oh the memories that stick... However, I do realize there are a few gems who opt to love us, and my hat's off to them. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is possible (and I think worth it).

Third, I should note that the people I most enjoy being around, as well as the handful I consider to be my best friends, seem to inherently be aware of the six things Sammy shares. They don't make me feel I have to act a certain way, but they aren't afraid to say when they're irritated with me either. They're there regardless. Those I am most grateful for are the ones I know are willing to just sit with me - even if we don't talk - but more than that, they're honest with me. Conversely, nothing turns me off more than those who give the impression they don't have time to "waste" on me, or those who patronize me with fake-ness.

Anyway... not that any of that really matters, but I say all that to simply bring this to you (or me). This is about as clear as the muddled waters of depression can get imho.

6 Ways to Love a Depressed Person

Two things aren't easy: pimping and loving a depressed person. Whether you're depressed and want to passive aggressively send this to some friends, or whether you have a friend who's depressed and are about to throw your hands in the air like you just don't know how to care, here are six tips that might help you love a depressed person a little better:

1. Keep the pin in the shame grenade.

Depressed people feel tremendous amounts of shame. The voice they hear most often in their head is like the anti-Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting: “It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault.” The problem is not that they don’t know what they should do. The problem is finding the strength to do it. They’re carrying a heavy load. Don’t be the kind of friend who adds to it. Be the kind of friend who helps lighten it. Don’t patronize, empathize. In the words of Brene Brown, “Shame cannot survive empathy.” 

2. Don’t be simplistic.

Depression is like a bruise. Sometimes you know how it got there, and sometimes you genuinely don’t. What makes it hard is that it’s “like a bruise in your mind” (Jeffrey Eugenides, Marriage Plot). Nothing is worse than treating it simplistically. It’s not always as simple as “Take medicine,” or “Go see a counselor,” or “Repent” (usually all three will be part of the healing process). To make one of those the “end all be all” is extremely unhelpful. Help them simplify things, yes. But don’t be simplistic. 

3. Take the physical as seriously as the spiritual.

Don’t give a depressed friend a book. Give them a steak instead. Preferably an expensive one. And pair it with a loaded baked potato, a bottle of merlot, and if you want to get really spiritual, a whole pan of Sister Schubert rolls. That’s what God did for Elijah when he was depressed to the point of wanting life to be over. He didn’t give him a lecture, or even a devotional. He gave him a meal and then let him sleep (1 Kings 19:4-7). He didn't Jesus juke him. He took the physical as seriously as the spiritual. Because sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap (or a walk, or a meal). 

4. Embrace awkward silence.

If depressed people could take a book title for a life motto it would be More Baths, Less Talking (Nick Hornby). If they’re really depressed, the last thing they want to do is talk about why they’re really depressed. Don’t take this as a sign that they don’t want you around. They desperately do. They just want you to embrace the awkward silence with them. It shows them that sometimes it’s ok to sit in silence because life is hard and we don’t have all the answers. 

5. Help them take themselves less seriously.

One of the best things you can do for a depressed person is to help them take themselves less seriously. Sometimes when Martin Luther would get depressed to the point of spending entire days in bed, his wife Katharine would dress herself in all black and put on a veil. And when he asked her whose funeral she was going to she would say, “God’s, because the way you’re acting so hopeless he must be dead.” She had a great sense of humor. Humor is actually a vital part of dealing with depression, because if you listen closely enough to laughter you can hear the echoes of hope. Which is why an incredibly wise pastor once told a struggling friend the most important thing he could do for his depression was to watch an episode of Seinfeld with friends every night before bed. “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly” (GK Chesterton). 

6. Give them grace by giving them space.

Depressed people need the space to be alone, yet the security that you’re not going anywhere. Don’t get all up in their grill. Be content to hang out on their back porch while they’re inside on the couch watching their seventh episode of New Girl in a row. They need the space of you leaving them alone, with the grace of knowing you’ll never leave them. It’s the Lord saying he won’t “break the bruised reed, or quench the smoking flax” (Isaiah 42:3) Even though our depression is hard, he’ll be gentle. Even though our depression may never go away, he promises he’s not going anywhere.

Remembering

One of my professors from seminary ended his life recently. I had a great deal of respect for all my professors, but I have to admit there were a couple I felt more of a connection to. Gene was one of them. My friend, Lance, who is the director of our denomination, had a very nice tribute here: http://cggcenews.weebly.com/blog/a-time-to-reach-out.

Here are just a few thoughts and memories I have myself:

• When we first moved to Findlay so I could attend seminary, the first church we connected with was call New Hope. It was a small gathering of people, led by a group of people of which Gene was one of. It seemed like just the type of church/group we had been looking for all our lives. And Gene was the first person I'd ever seen preach while sitting on a stool (instead of behind a podium). Unfortunately they decided to close the doors on the church within months of us falling in love with it.
• I remember after they had the closing service for the church - I still hadn't talked to Gene too many times, but I could tell he was a sincere and deep thinker - and I stopped by the library when he was working one day and gave him the lyrics to the Rich Mullins tune "Peace." I'm not sure why, and he probably thought it was pretty strange, but it just felt like something I thought he needed at the time. We never discussed it.
• I remember one other occasion during a time when I was feeling rather low and confused about life. I had a night class and he was teaching in another building, I just felt like I needed to talk to him. So I pretended to lock my keys in my car and asked him if he would take me by my house to get the other set (this was before cell phones). He did, and even though we didn't really even talk about anything important, I guess it meant something to me to just spend a bit of time with someone who I felt understood me. I know, I'm strange.
• I thoroughly enjoyed his teaching - he taught my theology classes - and he opened my eyes perhaps like no one else ever had. He could challenge anyone's thoughts and reasoning in ways I'd never known possible. He preached in much the same way - putting a spin on things that often left me speechless, but with a mind so full like the perfect sunshiny day.
• I'm sure the fact that he was a big Bob Dylan fan and an avid runner helped to feed the connection, but I guess I knew there was something else as well.
• We were in a small group together with our spouses and another couple for a brief time. I never felt like he really thought much of me, but I wasn't all that concerned about it.
• I did have him come and preach at our church one time when I was pastoring. I remember I started the service out by singing the Beatles song "Help" and had Carrie placing different images on the overhead projector while I sang (again, this was a long time ago). Gene did comment that he'd never heard anyone sing a Beatles song in church before.
• I suppose the biggest, and maybe only, reason his suicide has impacted me so is because... almost every time I hear that someone has taken their life, I feel like, "Dang, another one of us has lost the battle." Please don't misunderstand, I am not suicidal - or even close to it - but I feel a definite connection to people like Gene who have gone that route. There, but for the grace of God, go I. I tend to think I can relate to the pain they were feeling. I feel a kindred connection in my spirit. It's almost like a part of *me* has died. There is a deep sense of longing in my soul.
• I've heard it said that people who work those suicide hotlines are told to listen for two scenarios which mean people are serious: 1) they have thought out how they're going to go about committing suicide, and 2) they say they don't want to do it, but they just can't stand the pain anymore. I have never had a plan, but I have sensed #2. Again, I am not right now, but those times when I have been my lowest, I have probably used those exact words. I don't want to feel that way, but it hurts so much. I don't know how to describe soul pain. So when someone "does it"... I don't get upset; I understand; and my heart aches. My heart aches now.

So, that's about all I've got as far as that goes. I have fond memories of my old professor and friend. I have no judgment to make. I'm not sure if there was anything that could have been done to prevent it; I don't know. He was a remarkable person, though, and I'm glad I had the privilege of knowing him and learning from him. It is what it is. I feel bad for his family.

Two into one

I don't like to write about work too much. God knows it caused me enough problems in my last job. However, yesterday I had a customer come in..... and he was acting a little strange. I greeted him as he walked in the door, and he didn't really respond but simply asked for a piece of paper. So I gave him one, he wrote something down, and he handed it back to me. It was an email address. I knew what it meant as soon as I read it.

His old email address had been twodogday@______.com. The new one that he wrote down - that he wanted me to update in his customer profile - was onedogday. He had lost a dog. He was barely able to tell me the story of having to put his long-time friend down. This guy was grieving, and it made me sad.

I was thinking about that when I woke up this morning. I lay in bed a long time thinking about it, and it helped me make some sense of my life. I think I have often misdiagnosed myself as being a 'depressed' person - someone who struggles with depression. Certainly I have had bouts of it over the years. I can often 'feel' it in my head when I get that way. But depression - for me - is a more temporary condition that is a symptom of something else. For instance, when I was seeing a counselor last year, he kept trying to convince me that my depression was just one symptom of my being burned out. It wasn't 'how I was,' it came about as a result of something else. Now it makes sense. For too long I have been using two entirely different words to describe one condition.

I am not prone to depression.... but I am prone to sadness. Some people refer to it as melancholy. Certainly I am not ALWAYS sad, but I get sad when I see someone else who is sad. I get sad when I hear someone talk about their grief - whether it is losing a loved one, a misfortune that has beset them, mistreatment, etc. - but I also get sad thinking about all the hatred and violence and injustice in the world; when I see people stuck in self-destructive patterns; when I think about the criminal way politics is often carried out; when I witness manipulation and degradation of fellow human beings. Those things weigh heavy on my heart. It doesn't cause me to be 'depressed'..... it causes me to grieve! They are not two words describing the same thing.

So, I still feel bad for the poor guy who came in to change his email address. Gosh, I grieved for a long time when I had to put our dog down. It doesn't mean I am depressed about it. It means I care. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It means that is how I manifest compassion for the souls around me; for the world I live in.

As I lay in bed this morning it started to rile me up a bit. There have been a number of people who have made me feel 'wrong' because they wanted me to "get over my depression." You know what? F*ck those people. I like who I am. I like that my heart hurts for other people in their grief. I like that I give a damn about not only individuals, but entire groups of people who are mistreated, misguided, or maybe even simply mistaken sometimes. I think this is how God made me, and just maybe that's how God wants me to be. It's my way of identifying with those around me... The broken, hurting, struggling people I do life with. Not that other people don't care either, but this is how I do it.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking about as I lay in bed this morning. The two are not the same thing. And maybe I'm okay after all.

Robin williams, mark driscoll, and me

There's been a lot of news lately - both in the church and in the world at large. Much of the 'church' hub-bub dealt with Mark Driscoll and his latest exploits and the resulting... whatever it is that happened to him. I think Acts 29 asked him to step down, or something or other. I'm not really even sure.

I have never been a "fan" of Mark's, but nor was I a serious detractor either. We both entered ministry around the same time. There were many things of his that I'd read and heard that were quite profound and helpful. He also spoke of many, many things I disagreed with. Even though we didn't line up theologically, and in many ways, socially, I still had a fair amount of respect for who he was and what he did. Sure, he often seemed brash and arrogant - and maybe he was - but that is also part of what made him who he was. So when I see people tearing him down - especially people who don't know him at all or know specifics of the situation - I tend to pull back a bit. Now that there is talk that he may lose his ministry... I feel for him. I still don't agree with him on a lot of things, but I don't see him as an enemy.

It's kind of the same with Robin Williams tragic death yesterday. I was never a big fan of his, but it's not that I didn't like him either. However, I know there are people who will think we're making much ado about some celebrity, or they'll denounce him for running from his responsibilities or problems by taking the "cowards" way out. And everyone has the right to their own opinion. But I think he represents a lot of other folks too. And, at his core, he was very much a human being just like the rest of us. It's easy to judge someone when you don't suffer in the same way they do. It's okay to not understand. But we are all human beings here. I could always sense there was a terrible struggle going on inside Robin just from looking at him. It's the same with Mark.

You know, we all have our "thing." That little glitch in our system that makes us human. We are all uniquely made, but also made from the same core. Some of us are wired like others, and some of us are wired like someone else. For me, personally, I think I am wired similar to these two guys. So I have a soft spot for them. I grieve with them. In a very small and distant way, I can relate a little bit to what they were/are going through.

A friend shared something on Facebook this morning (in regard to RW) that made a lot of sense to me. I think I'll just share it, and leave it at that. "Funny" is in the eye of the beholder. This is from Matt Conner:

 The funniest among us often stand along the outside. I am not referring to comedians who settle for the easy joke intended for the lowest common denominator. Rather, the women and men who make us laugh despite the unsettling things they are saying, who move us with their keen insights -- insights that come precisely *because* they stand on the outside.

Culture needs such critics. In Biblical times, you had those labeled as "prophets", people who were largely outsiders offering a necessary critique of the culture. I've long believed that many of our finest comedians were just that -- prophetic types who tell us the truth about ourselves and our world. Robin Williams was certainly one such person.

Such wisdom and insight is a gift, and Williams was among the most talented. Even in his serious roles, he offered uncomfortable looks at our deepest longings to connect and belong. But I cannot help but feel that there's a price to be paid for standing on the outside. To be outside is to be alone. To be the truth-teller is to be the one saying what some of us (most of us) do not want to hear. Packaging it in ways that are funny make it palatable, but they're painful truths just the same.

Williams' documented history with depression and rehab and such is out there, and there's likely more information to come in the weeks ahead. Such a reality might be hard to stomach, but it reminds us of the price paid by those willing to be honest with us. Whatever comes out about Williams' death, I'm grateful for the laughs and insights he shared, and for those who continue to carry such a torch today, revealing truth to us in ways that are both humorous and poignant.

Anxiety/depression helps

They say 30 minutes of meditation a day can lower anxiety and depression levels as much as 38 percent - about the same as an antidepressant. I have experienced the help it provides first hand. Somehow I need to get myself back there.

While I prefer a "Christian" approach, I think there can be value found in other traditions too. Here were a couple interesting sources I ran across this morning.

- A Men's Health article "Quieting Anxiety, Depression Without Drugs."

- An interesting website: Franticworld.com... for a book "Mindfulness: An 8-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World."

I'm not necessarily endorsing or opposing either. I just wanted a spot to keep them so I could look into them further at a later date.

For today, it will be the 'Jesus Prayer': "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

6 ways to love a depressed person

I saw this article this morning by Sammy Rhodes "6 Ways To Love A Depressed Person" and thought it was fantastic. If you live with, or are a friend of, someone who struggles with depression, this is a must read. I won't share the entire article, but these are just the six headings and a sentence from each point. I strongly recommend reading the entire (short) article. Here are the main points:

1. Keep the pin in the shame grenade - Depressed people feel tremendous amounts of shame...

2. Don't be simplistic - It's not always as simple as "Take medicine," or "Go see a counselor," or "Repent."

3. Take the physical as seriously as the spiritual - ...Because sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap (or a walk, or a meal).

4. Embrace awkward silence - If they're really depressed, the last thing they want to do is talk about why they're really depressed.

5. Help them take themselves less seriously -Humor is actually a vital part of dealing with depression, because if you listen closely enough to laughter you can hear the echoes of hope.

6. Give them grace by giving them space - Depressed people need the space to be alone, yet the security to know that you're not going anywhere.

Good, good stuff.