Random thoughts #466 (taking a backseat)

Hopefully no one is actually keeping track of the number of my 'random thoughts' posts. If you are, then you officially have less of a life than me. Anyway, here are some things currently on my mind...

SEATS
The pic is of the back seat out of my Ford Escape. This is the vehicle I use to drive for Uber. I'd read about this "miracle Do-It-Yourself cleaner" and thought I would give it a try. The cloth seats had a few spots from spillage and normal wear and tear, so I mixed up the vinegar, club soda, and Dawn dishwashing soap, sprayed it on, and it seemed to work pretty good. Unfortunately, several days later and there is still a fairly strong vinegar odor in the car. Not enough to make me sick, but so much so that I wouldn't want to pick up any Uber riders and risk poor ratings. So, after trying several different methods to remove the stench, I finally just removed the seats and washed the covers out in the shower. Hopefully this will help.

SPEAKING OF BACK SEATS...
This seems to be how my life has been going for some time now. I keep hoping for a "win" of some sort, but I continue losing instead. My confidence sinks lower, my countenance more somber, and it's getting harder and harder to keep the chin up. Something needs to change... but I'm tired. I've been telling myself to just sit back and lay low; walk humbly and not try to force anything. Folding towels at the Y seems to be one of my biggest joys lately - because I can actually do that! Yet I am inevitably reminded of how far I've fallen and disappointment stairs me down again and again. So... I trudge on. Slowly.

WORK
Part of my problem is work. And, please understand, I am aware ALL of my problem is of my own doing. It's no one else's fault. Much of it is contained within my own mind even. However, work has me worn down a bit at the moment. The Y does not pay well. I could make more money flipping burgers at McDonalds. It does afford me a place to go and interact with people without having to risk too much thinking or getting outside myself though. I am, however, a tad worn down from the schedule. We are presently short-handed, so I've been trying to help out as much as I can. Yet, as the "morning guy," it seems I'm having to work a lot of closing shifts. So, while I still only get 30-some hours a week, an example of my shedule is: tonight I work from 4-8 pm; tomorrow I work 5 am to 1 pm, then come back and work 5-8 pm; then Friday it's 5-9 AM again. If I can get the smell out of my car I will then add some hours of driving in there where I can. I can't complain about the number of hours, or even the difficulty of the work, but it is not overly inspiring, and most of the time I feel like a zombie walking around.

A 'THING'
Yesterday someone was telling me about when they took a Toastmasters class. I actually think what they were doing was trying to suggest I needed to do something to make myself more.... I don't know..... interesting. I've sensed myself crawling into a shell, and this conversation seemed to confirm others saw it too. So, I started looking into Toastmasters, or an Udemy course on public speaking or writing or something.

To be honest, a Toastmasters meeting scares me to death. I cannot imagine walking into a roomful of people and speaking in front of them. I don't understand how I used to do it on such a regular basis. So maybe an Udemy course...

I think the thing is, though, I need a "thing." I need to find something I can DO again. I don't feel like I can write or speak anymore; I'm struggling as a runner and my left foot has been bothering me; I simply don't have the chops or understanding to play the guitar (and haven't done so, basically since I stopped pastoring). I don't like to cook, sew, work on cars, or anything of the like. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or interests of any kind. I just go to work, come home and watch 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy,' and then go to bed. I don't think playing 'Yahtzee' on my phone counts for anything.

THE CARWASH
I suppose this is pretty sad, but if I'm honest, my biggest joy in life at the moment is pulling into the carwash. Since I'm a "club" member, I get to use a special entrance. So I can drive right past everyone who has to pay, and there's this little part of me that feels just a little superior as I do. I know it's not right, but that's my little power trip. Ugh. It looks worse as printed words...

CONSOLATION
Before anyone starts to feel too bad for me, please understand this is actually part of my "fix." Regardless of how good or bad this blog is, it has always been a place for me to write out my inner issues and that is often impetus enough to help me move forward. Yes, this spot may require more help - and I'm still looking in that direction - but just so everyone knows: I don't write these things to garner pitty, but to process my "stuff."

Things I take away from this dose of drivel:

• I'd like to stop drinking again, and maybe deactivate my Facebook account for awhile (FB would be harder than drinking - I rely on it too much for Uber and other activities).
• Sign up for an Udemy class on public speaking or writing.
• Read a novel or some kind of fiction.

Those seem easy enough, but pretty dern daunting at the same time. Maybe just making the list is a good enough place to start. At least it's something to look at.

{Elaine to Puddy: "So you're just going to sit there and stare at the back of the seat?" Puddy: "Yeah."}

Dreams

I only occasionally remember my dreams, or even that I dreamed. However, I've had some real doozies in the last week or so. They were very vivid while I was dreaming, and I they were still with me the next morning.

Two days in a row I had strange dreams involving kids hanging all over me. They kept wanting to climb on me, or latch onto me, or put their arm around me. It was driving me nuts (in the dream). They just would not give me any space, and they wouldn't listen to me. That was followed up by dreams with small children who were misbehaving and not listening to me.

I have no idea what the children had to do with it, but I suppose these dreams signaled some type of control issues on my part.

On another night I was dreaming about one of the owners of the company I work for, and his wife. They live in Michigan, and are probably in their mid-late 60's or so, yet in my dream they also owned a club for musicians in Fort Wayne. It was crazy, because not only could I not believe they were involved with the local music scene, but they drove down every night to work at the club. I have no idea what that dream means.

On the heels of that came a dream where I was attending a wedding in an unfamiliar place, but when I got there most of the people were relatives on my mom's side of the family. Oddly enough, I had no clue who the bride and groom were. What was not so odd about the dream was that, as has been the case for me in many dreams (and a couple times in real life), the preacher hadn't shown up for the wedding and they wondered if I could officiate the ceremony.

There were a lot of strange elements - like giant poisonous snakes, a kangaroo chasing me on a bicycle, and a big bed in the middle of the area where they were going to be married. Of course, once again, there were a bunch of kids that I had to keep shewing off the bed.

Incidentally, I agreed to perform the ceremony. I rode my bike to my parents house (apparently) and had my "ministers bible" there, and it had sample ceremonies in it (or something). So I really didn't have a problem with doing the service.

So............... there ya go. I don't know what to make of all this weirdness. There were also a couple former church people involved in several of the dreams, but I'd rather not think or talk about them.

You know... as I type this... it just occurred to me that I started taking a bit of apple cider vinegar around the time I began to have these vivid dreams. I wonder if that has anything to do with it? Hmmm....